Am I really a single mother?

Happy Mother’s Day! Single mothers will now have to provide ‘verification’ of their relationship status in order to claim Centrelink’s Parenting Payment Single. Single mums who leave parenting Payment Single and then return to the payment will also have to send the Human Services Department a photograph of themselves sitting alone crying into their one glass of Aldi wine on a Saturday night.

“From 20 September 2018 new claimants seeking Parenting Payment (Single) or single parents claiming Newstart Allowance will be required to have a third party sign a new form verifying that they are in fact single, then we can tattoo their scrawny necks and microchip them before we release them back into the wild,” the government announced as part of the 2017 Budget this week.

To be rewarded with vast sums from the government’s welfare-bludgers’ prize pool, I will have to find someone whom I don’t want to share the horizontal tango with, to verify that I am in fact raising my children single-handedly. I’m really not sure who I’m going to ask to help me with this. Will it be the merchant banker who picked me up at an art gallery and then took me on an incredibly boring date? The 22-year-old man working at my local servo who thought if he gave me a free juice and a bag of chips, that I’d go on a date with him? The guy who sent me ‘sexy’ pics of himself late at night on Facebook while his wife was asleep? He may be my best choice. Hopefully, he’ll get confused and tell the authorities that he and I have been shacked up for years with my children, his kids from three relationships, our cat and a feral budgie. Apparently, the penalty for making a false declaration is up to 12 months in jail. Which could mean I’m in for a nice break (Wentworth prison here I come) from mothering and working if my dreamy battler beau brags about our imaginary sexy times on social media.

“This is offensive and deeply disturbing,” said Terese Edwards, chief executive of the National Council of Single Mothers and their Children.

“Who verifies? Do children get asked? Is there a neighbour watch alert? This is a slippery slope back into the dark days. I’m proud of our single mothers, they are doing a damn good job and don’t need the burden of Government prejudice.”

Terese is right, single mothers are doing a damn fine job, they’re the hardest workers I’ve ever met. But I quite like the neighbourhood watch idea as I’m a bad picker. I could have a panel of people telling me if I’m going out with the wrong dude. My neighbours could shout out to me, “If you bring that guy home, we’ll tell Centrelink,” and I’d be dissuaded from making a bad move on Tinder.  Happy Mum’s Day from the Liberal Government. Scott Morrison what a generous man you are, you have saved me from a lifetime of bad relationships. I think I’ll stay home tonight knitting myself an old cat lady chastity belt.


3 Comments on “Am I really a single mother?”

  1. The Hot Comedian says:

    Love this post Lou, so much I want to say especially growing up in a single parent household. Single Mothers are amazing and the government are a bunch of old fashioned idiots (NZ included) and if you are dating anyone they have no right to assume that man financially assists you and your children. Welfare is hard. I remember being on welfare between jobs, in a defacto relationship, no kids years ago in NZ and doing volunteer work. My partner worked part time. To the government we told them we were two single flatmates’ in order to receive enough money to pay the rent. Food, which they didn’t know we had to pay for by having a flatmate. We struggled and that’s without kids. We couldn’t be 100% honest. Shouldn’t they be making it easier? It will also be an excuse to cut funding to those who need it most. I’m furious. Do you think it’s a good ideal to create a petition or to stage a protest? Single Mums and their children ?

    • loupollard says:

      We may have to! Will be interesting to see if these budget decisions are passed in Federal Parliament. The National Council of Single Mothers is keeping a close eye on this issue particularly

      • The Hot Comedian says:

        I will share all over social media if you march and if I’m free I will join you xx petition the gov too.


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