Gucci sunglasses from Vinnies? Check.
Pyjamas from K-Mart? Check.
Havaianas Thongs? Check.
Single mother biorhythm energy level: Chewed up and spat out.
Trashy single mother reporting for duty at the school gate. I’d love to look fancy like all the yummy mummies at my school with their beautiful hair but I really don’t give a rats. Blame my 80s childhood, then my 90s grungey youth. Where I grew up every mother wore beige and navy Country Road separates, so as a result I’m allergic to fashion marketing. I think if women spent less time looking at handbags we’d have more time to change the world. The older I get the more I know that anti wrinkle cream is a useless weapon in our fight for equality. Maybe my look is called old bag trashion. I’m doing motherhood my way. Thank you Frank Sinatra.
Shoplifting is not considered an after school sport for children
Prams look trashy for shopping once your youngest child is 10
Scary stories are for daddy’s house. Kids don’t need to be spooked by their mothers, they get enough terrifying experiences with step families
Try to stick with one father for all your children, it’s much easier on Father’s Day
Children don’t need to be disinfected with your brandy kisses daily
Try not to pick a boyfriend who has a crush on your teenager
Apparently not every man finds single mother cougars attractive, sometimes we need to put our puppies away; you really don’t need to flash your cleavage at the school Mother’s Day breakfast
Don’t leave your ashtray in your kid’s bedroom
A petticoat is a skirt. End of story
If you find a hot boyfriend, choose a lovely elderly babysitter for your kids
If you’re running late, groom your locks with a fork; make sure you remove the tines from your hair before you pick up
Six o’clock mother medication is not compulsory every day
Be an inspiring mother: When your children think of cranky, belligerent women they think of you