December 18 birthdays

Keith Richards and Christina Aguilera were born today. And so was my dream husband Brad Pitt. Keith is too haggard from smack, and Christina too shrill, so it’s Brad for me.

Today also marks the start of long summer school holidays. To stave off boredom while watching my children trash the house, I imagine I am a lithe sprite running down a Caribbean beach chased by Brad Pitt. In the midst of my reverie, my youngest hits me in the face with a nude Ken doll. After I threaten to send Ken and his girlfriends to the local op shop she runs away to her giggling sister. Back on the couch it is no longer a daydream, it has become my reality. Brad Pitt is still chasing me, but Jen is chasing him as Angelina aims a shotgun at all of us. Brad wants me bad. He’s only human…