Privacy update

Dear Mr Joyce,
As you don’t seem to have the necessary skills or desire to spare the people of our great country, I’ve updated your privacy policy. Let’s clarify a few items:

Your new money-making model, the Vicki-made-me-do-it-defense belongs in the bin with Adam’s “Eve made me bite the apple”, and poor white trash dude shot up the school because his girlfriend dumped him excuses.

We, the people of Australia, don’t have any questions about the personal information you have chosen to share with us. We don’t want the media to inform us how your baby was conceived, how many times you cheated on your wife or how you fell for Vicki. We would like you to review your Terms of Use and really want you to prioritise transparency about when you’re going to pay back the money you owe the Australian people and the deals you were a part of when you were not eligible to be the Deputy Prime Minister.

As a politician Barnaby, you have obviously signed the Hypocrite Oath, compulsory for anyone willing to join a party that locks up children in detention indefinitely and lies about it. For the sake of your four daughters, we would like to unsubscribe from the tacky details of your personal life immediately, please feel free not to get in touch, not to update any television station journalists, and have a long think about resigning immediately.

And Vicki, please feel free to shut the fuck up at any time via the link below.

These changes reflect the new TMI privacy regulations that will shortly come into effect, as we the over-subscribed, over-stimulated, over it Australian population have demanded of all politicians.

Stop showing us your privates Barnaby.

Thank you


Beetroot stains

It’s been a bloody grouse week for those of us who speak fluent Strine. We’ve had ripper new words and phrases added to our lingo:

Rejoyce – lying to your constituents then getting re-elected

Beetrooter – older white male who preys on young female work mates

Beetrorter – doing dodgy deals to ensure a parliamentary pension

Fang a Canavan* – protecting your mates despite their ability to act like a dickhead

Go Full Barnaby – chucking a sickie when the top job awaits

Ucken Joyce mate – to flick your wife and kids with no wucken furries

Chuck a Vikki – to root someone whom even Stevie Wonder would find fuggly

*See also nepotism & cronyism

 

Machine Gun Fellatio – Pussytown