Beetroot stains
Posted: February 18, 2018 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Self improvement | Tags: auspol, Aussie lingo, Australian politicians, Australian Politics, Barnaby Joyce, Beetrooter, Machine Gun Fellatio - Pussytown, pale stale male Australian politicians, Political hypocrisy, political rorts, Rootgate, Strine Leave a commentIt’s been a bloody grouse week for those of us who speak fluent Strine. We’ve had ripper new words and phrases added to our lingo:
Rejoyce – lying to your constituents then getting re-elected
Beetrooter – older white male who preys on young female work mates
Beetrorter – doing dodgy deals to ensure a parliamentary pension
Fang a Canavan* – protecting your mates despite their ability to act like a dickhead
Go Full Barnaby – chucking a sickie when the top job awaits
Ucken Joyce mate – to flick your wife and kids with no wucken furries
Chuck a Vikki – to root someone whom even Stevie Wonder would find fuggly
*See also nepotism & cronyism
Machine Gun Fellatio – Pussytown
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Vote for me
Posted: March 21, 2016 Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: auspol, Australian politicians, Australian Politics, I didn't vote for whasisname, Lou Pollard for the Arts Party, Lou Pollard Sydney Comedy Festival show, Midnight Oil - Don't Wanna Be The One - Live 13/1/1985, political rorts, single mother ambitions, single mother party, Sydney Comedy Festival 2016, The Arts Party, vote early, vote often, Vote One Lou Pollard Leave a commentIn a month, I’m performing my fourth solo comedy show for the Sydney Comedy Festival at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville. I’ve written a show about my brief but dazzling foray into the political arena at last year’s North Sydney by election.
Vote One Lou Pollard
Written and authorised by Lou Pollard for the Single Mothers having a party Party
Buy tickets: Vote One show tickets
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Blessed are the meme makers
Posted: February 7, 2015 Filed under: ART | Tags: Australian politicians, Australian Politics, memes, no more rude heads on show, online political posts, pale stale male Australian politicians, photos of politicians, political memes, put them away, Radiohead - Electioneering, viral memes 2 CommentsI love talented photographers, dazzling designers and clever people who can make me look like I’m 19 again with their magic photoshop thingymajiggies. But for the love of what’s left of my eyesight can you dear funny political meme makers please stop creating images of politicians that feature their actual photos? Especially with the upcoming ‘Liberal spill’ in the Australian federal parliament next week. I say no more budgie smugglers, evil smirks, lecherous winks, creepy smiles, insincere poses and TA masquerading as a human being. Stop it, put those faces away, I can’t stand looking at them online any more. Please use cartoon characters or goat’s heads instead. TMI. If I see one more ugly pollie kissing a baby or pretending to be a hero I may….
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Aussie Code of Conduct
Posted: November 27, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, TRAVEL | Tags: Aussie cricketers sledging the English cricket team, Aussie kultcha, Aussie lingo, Aussie national sports, Aussie sporting traditions, Australian cricketers, Australian customs, Australian politicians, Australian relationships with other countries, australian songs, Australian-Indonesian diplomacy, bastards, bewdiful Aussie names, bewdy mate, Christine Anu My Island Home, cricket, drinking competitions, in Australia consonants are optional, Ken Oath, Oztraylian, pollies, rich oral tradition, spying in Australia, wankers Leave a commentApparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:
1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath
2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber
3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.
4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’
5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart
6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool
7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old
8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed
9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.
10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country
loupollard 