Beetroot stains

It’s been a bloody grouse week for those of us who speak fluent Strine. We’ve had ripper new words and phrases added to our lingo:

Rejoyce – lying to your constituents then getting re-elected

Beetrooter – older white male who preys on young female work mates

Beetrorter – doing dodgy deals to ensure a parliamentary pension

Fang a Canavan* – protecting your mates despite their ability to act like a dickhead

Go Full Barnaby – chucking a sickie when the top job awaits

Ucken Joyce mate – to flick your wife and kids with no wucken furries

Chuck a Vikki – to root someone whom even Stevie Wonder would find fuggly

*See also nepotism & cronyism


Machine Gun Fellatio – Pussytown

Vote for me

In a month, I’m performing my fourth solo comedy show for the Sydney Comedy Festival at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville. I’ve written a show about my brief but dazzling foray into the political arena at last year’s North Sydney by election.

Vote One Lou Pollard

Lou Pollard politician

Written and authorised by Lou Pollard for the Single Mothers having a party Party

Buy tickets: Vote One show tickets

Blessed are the meme makers

I love talented photographers, dazzling designers and clever people who can make me look like I’m 19 again with their magic photoshop thingymajiggies. But for the love of what’s left of my eyesight can you dear funny political meme makers please stop creating images of politicians that feature their actual photos? Especially with the upcoming ‘Liberal spill’ in the Australian federal parliament next week. I say no more budgie smugglers, evil smirks, lecherous winks, creepy smiles, insincere poses and TA masquerading as a human being. Stop it, put those faces away, I can’t stand looking at them online any more. Please use cartoon characters or goat’s heads instead. TMI. If I see one more ugly pollie kissing a baby or pretending to be a hero I may….

Aussie Code of Conduct

Apparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:

1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath

2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber

3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.

4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’

5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart

6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool

7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old

8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed

9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.

10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country