Important stuff single mothers must do before we die

The items I most want to tick off my chuck it in the bucket list:
1. Find a single 97-year-old billionaire outside a Las Vegas wedding chapel
2. Earn enough money for cask wine, Prozac, Phenergan & 2-minute noodles

3. Post about single motherhood money challenges without being contacted by a self-employed pyramid scheming guru wanting me to invest in their ‘incredible once in lifetime opportunity, don’t miss out, fast-growing’ business
4. Finish a sentence without being interrupted by a chatty child
5. Block well-meaning women on social media whose side career is marketing anti-aging cosmetics, life-changing cleanses and other ‘green’ products of dubious nutritional value
6. Get thrown off a mechanical bull into an enormous foam pit full of cash
7. Strip without grimacing
8. Skydive into a ginormous bucket of French champagne
9. Do a poo in peace in a toilet that has been cleaned by someone else
10. Get ex to pay for kids (dreaming)
11. Dare to live fully while sleeping 16 hours a day in a room with a view
12. Draft legislation to outlaw the word ‘panties’
13. Have a holiday that doesn’t involve child-friendly parks
14. Fly a hot air balloon into a massive pot of gold
15. Children shoplift without getting caught
16. Doze on a beach for 12 months while servants cater to every whim
17. Hear the sound of silence in my head
18. Smile because I’m not worrying about bills I can’t pay

19. Snorkel with old friends in an Olympic-sized pool of gin

20. Outlaw bucket lists

Winner, winner, dog food dinner

You won $1.25M AUD in the ICC WORLD TWENTY20 PROMO 2016 with Reference [INDIA-RSA-PRT-279-30-2016]. Reply to; or call 00447937349377 for details. T’s and C’s apply!

Can’t hardly believe it or not, I am a winner. My astrologer told me that 2016 was going to be tops for someone with a moon in Uranus and now I’ve won enough to put a deposit on a house only three hours from Sydney. Incredible.

Prince Thieves in the Temple

I’m sure this is legitimate

I’m so thrilled! I’ve just received an email from the lead singer of one of my favourite bands. I can’t believe Paul Weller sent me an email. I didn’t know he had a connection to The Abu Dhabi Families. Paul Weller is not usually a fan of the internet but he decided I was worth his time. This is the single mother get rich quick scheme I’ve been looking for


Good Day,

I am Paul Weller, Abu Dhabi Investment LLP; a business developer, stock broker and portfolio Manager. I went through your profile and will like to develop a business partnership with you; The Abu Dhabi Families are interested in investing seven to eight figure British currencies.

The reason why I have contacted you is because, we are specially interested to invest in your Country and after checking the world business directory, I decided to contact you, I will like to keep the details short for now. If you are interested and have a project worth investing on, kindly reply to this email. Do not forget to include your direct cell phone number and the best time to call you, in your reply. I will call you to discuss the modality and other details once I get a reply from you.

I am looking forward to your response and working with you on this Investment project.

Yours Faithfully

Paul Weller

Aussie Code of Conduct

Apparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:

1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath

2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber

3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.

4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’

5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart

6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool

7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old

8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed

9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.

10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country

Shopping for a mate on the internet

I joined Badoo, E-Harmony and RSVP and numerous other internet dating sites about two years ago. I wrote profiles and answered a million questions but never followed them up. It was too overwhelming and scary and as my girlfriends tell me I am a ‘bad picker’ so I couldn’t tell if some hot guy was right for me anyway. Today I had a look at the quality of available males and my main thought was still, ‘Am I bothered?’

I checked out 24 year old Marius with a view of the Alps in the back of his photo. I’d love a toy boy but long distance, need help from a translator because I don’t speak German and I’m terrified about his music taste because I haven’t heard of most of it because he was born in the 80s when I was partying hard, and he’d be up for a relationship with an old bag like me? No thank you.

E Harmony
Do I really want to meet Brenton from Belconnen? Apparently he is a highly compatible match, but he smokes, likes motocross and doesn’t read books. I don’t know what motocross is, I’m a hypocritical two packs a day ex-smoker, now rabidly on my soapbox about non-smoking because cancer sticks cause death, and I’ll read a cereal packet if I can’t get my daily reading fix. And why did I tick the box that said I’d be up for a date with anyone anywhere in the world? Brenton lives in Canberra.

Nice guys, oozing sincerity but why are they all so bad at spelling? Why can’t these men use a spell check before they post their desperation on the internet? And they’re in their 40s and they want their own child and/or they want a step parent for their children. Me as a step mother? I would be a wicked stepmother, and I don’t mean that in a wick-ed cool way. I would be a nightmare stepmother favouring my own children over anyone else’s kids.

Am I being too fussy? Maybe I just don’t want a new husband. I think I’d rather buy a male cocker spaniel who will love and worship me unconditionally.

I want to be a Lady Boy

I’ve just been to Thailand and while I was there my daughter and I developed an obsession with the beauty of the local lady boys. I don’t mean meathead rugby league players dressed up as women. I’m talking about drop dead gorgeous looking, I want to look like her, erhmegerd I want her body, you are incredible, you are so pretty ladies. I got excited every time we saw one of these divine specimens on the street or the train. In 35 degree heat and high humidity their make up was flawless. I only saw one trashy, out of it lady boy at the markets. Thai Lady Boys have perfected the art of flirtatious flattery. A male Western friend who lives in Bangkok told us, “If I’m feeling low, I go to where there are a lot of lady boys and they all tell me I’m hot.” They didn’t tell me that.

If you look like your passport photo you need the trip

Today we head for a family adventure, visiting my big brother and his elephant friends. My two youngest kids have never been overseas before so this is a scary and exciting day for them. Hopefully I can show them that travelling is one of the great joys of life.

“We live in a wonderful world that is full of beauty, charm and adventure. There is no end to the adventures we can have if only we seek them with our eyes open” – Jawaharial Nehru

Perhaps travelling with three kids, one of whom likes eating the same sandwich every day, will test my limits as a mother and make me appreciate the dull routine and comforts of home. Maybe I’ll pretend they’re not with me when my youngest talks to everyone on the plane. Maybe when we come back to Australia I’ll be taken to a home for the bewildered. And maybe I’ll throw away some of my emotional baggage somewhere over the ocean.

“I travel not to go anywhere, but to go. I travel for travel’s sake. The great affair is to move” –

Robert Louis Stevenson