Unmothered

Posted: May 14, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

On Mother bothering Sunday I realise that although I no longer have a mother, I can share the gifts she gave me

I can embarrass my teenager with my fashion choices

I can be a loving presence with sick children

I can swim with my head out of the water

I can talk to cats on my walk

I can deliver a lengthy sermon to the kids who have grown too old to live at home

I can hand-feed an animal who is in pain

I can argue about politics

I can sing along to corny, nostalgic music

I can read books and impart their wisdom

I can kiss dogs at the dog park and frighten their owners

I can dance in the garden of my dreams

thank you dearest mother

Give it away, give it away, give it away

Posted: February 4, 2022 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

We’re doing a giveaway on instatwatrestfakebooklinked

Entering our competition is simple:

Like our page. Like our post. Like our Pinterest boards

Follow our unused Twitter feed

Like our Tumblr site that we haven’t updated since 2013

Like our Facebook page populated by nut jobs

Like our next-door neighbour’s cousin’s mother’s company, located in freak knows where that has no contact details on their website

Like my 615 friends’ pages that promote shonky science, hideous frocks and expensive shakes

Like photos of my awful children doing annoying crap

Please follow these pages:

I’ve had so much Botox I’m surprised even when I’m cranky

Women Who Sell Crap We Don’t Need

I’ll swallow handfuls of steroids and get fillers in my face, but won’t touch toxic vaccines

Follow ivedonemyresearch.com

Follow three random pages of your choice

Spend $500 on our website for 2 entries

Vote for me on a nonsensical awards site started by a shell company with no ethics

Tell your friends to vote for me

Help me buy my next investment property

Spin three times, click your heels and yell, Dorothy we won’t get back to Kansas

And you could win a $5 voucher for an online shop selling stuff from the tip

This is a paid partnership with common sense

Why are we tuning into charlatans and not wise people in our culture?

Inspir-rational

Posted: July 26, 2021 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

There are many joys being locked in with a teenager for an extended time. Extra Lockdown 3.0 has given me the time to go on exciting endeavours like delving through my junk mail folder and scoring lovely new online connections. I received this beautiful comment on a Facebook post:

I must confess and thank you so much my friend request. Although I translated to your language and hope you don’t mind, you are beautiful? My new best mate is clearly a high ranking, good looking Army General based in Texas.

I’m filled with happiness when complete strangers with expertise in marketing or real estate sales in their bios try to add me as a connection, and nothing makes me feel more soothed than the comments written by professional networkers on Scotty from marketing’s LinkedIn posts.

I’m revelling in reading long essays by conspiracy theorists with obvious expertise in epidemiology commenting on health professionals’ social media posts; relaxing reading that I highly recommend in the middle of a pandemic.

I’m deeply moved by the inspirational quotes obviously written by Gandhi, Jesus and that lady influenza who promotes yoga pants on Instagram. I feel so motivated now that genuine celebrities are following and messaging me on Twitter. I am focused on success instead of endless hours of TV watching.

And I’m humbled that I’ve secured a large sum of money from long-lost distant relatives in far-flung places who only want what’s best for me.

I can’t tell you how exciting it is to know that I can buy healing anti inflammatory lollies from one of my online mates who did extensive research on YouTube. Honestly, I can’t tell you.

Like, I’m really, really, really like energised by social commentary online, like for reals totes legit like, as the people I gave birth to love me to exclaim regularly in front of their friends in enclosed public spaces while I’m hitting the chardy. Sorry. Like I forgot about the pandemic pandemonium for a second there.

No really, I’m thrilled by your business opportunities, I haven’t left the chat permanently, I’m just having a nanna nap for a couple of years.

https://youtu.be/dKdJhL6WEgUhttps://youtu.be/dKdJhL6WEgU

Visions

Posted: December 31, 2020 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

I wrote this list of predictions for 2020 on the 31st of December, 2019:

The Pollard definitive guide to enjoying 2020:

Pat puppies and kiss kittens

Don’t vote for morons

Eat, drink and be merry

Don’t buy ‘beauty’ products

Stay off the internet

Help a refugee family

Read books

Unsubscribe

Stop buying plastic crap

Thank firies, ambos and nurses

Check your emotional baggage

Get fresh on the dance floor

Support the Uluru Statement

Be kind, even to dickheads

Don’t use the words onboarding, textural or disruptor

Buy the Big Issue

Sing every day

Bring home the facon (don’t harm piggies)

Love your friends

Swim in the ocean

These words are still accurate, but I’m adding:

Thank teachers, wear a mask, donate to your local food pantry, talk to a wise creature (preferably a furry one) stay home (if it’s safe), become a pirate and beware of deep, dark internet rabbit holes. Tell your people you love them. And please don’t use the words unprecedented, pivot or disrupt ever again.

Shiver me timbers

Posted: September 19, 2020 | Author: | Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day and also my 450th birthday. In order for my day to have meaning, I’m harnessing the power of celebrity (raising teenagers and eating their two-minute noodles will do that to your brain). Growing up near Crows Nest I was obviously born to plunder. Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum, hoist the mizzen.


I share a birthday with Twiggy, Mama Cass and my spiritual guru, chocolate maker and philanthropist George Cadbury. I work for a charity that was sponsored for years by Cadbury chocolate. As Oprah would say, I found my destiny; I was born to consume chocolate, preferably the expensive stuff.

aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

“I’m no longer a child and I still want to be, to live with the pirates. Because I want to live forever in wonder. The difference between me as a child and me as an adult is this and only this: when I was a child, I longed to travel into, to live in wonder. Now, I know, as much as I can know anything, that to travel into wonder is to be wonder. So it matters little whether I travel by plane, by rowboat, or by book. Or, by dream. I do not see, for there is no I to see. That is what the pirates know. There is only seeing and, in order to go to see, one must be a pirate.” Kathy Acker

Dodgy motor

Posted: March 17, 2023 | Author: | Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

When my TV acting work dried up, I worked at corporate presenting even though I had the wrong wardrobe. 

I landed a presenting gig and thought I was ready to become an expert. I’d been booked to pontificate on a raised platform at a huge car stand at the annual glitzy Sydney motor show. On the hour for 8 hours, I had to deliver a heavily scripted 20-minute talk on a new zippy car aimed at young singles. In the land of the non ironic mullet wearing petrolhead I had to make the car sound attractive to 20 somethings who were buying their first brand-new car. I was 36, my de facto was sending secret late night texts to a younger woman and I’d been up all night breastfeeding my second child. Did I mention I know nothing about cars? And I don’t want to? And I don’t care about engines.

 

My first attempt at the talk was for 30 car dealers from around the country. Experts in their field. I forgot the script, couldn’t remember the key selling points, and didn’t know how to use the wipers. I lacked enthusiasm. I don’t own a car, I couldn’t give a rats about a piece of machinery but I had an unemployed partner with a dope addiction and our kids to support. I needed the money. An entertainment agent was paying me $800 for an eight-hour day. I could inhale fumes for 10 days.

 

On a break, I met a nice dark-haired man in the dressing room. He smiled and said hello.

“What do you do?” he said.

“I’m talking about a new car. What do you do?”

“I drive cars.”

“You race them?” I said.

“Yes.”

“You get paid to drive? That’s cool. I love driving manual cars.” And I prattled on about being a secret rev head while he listened patiently. There was an awkward silence, then he handed me a bottle of water. We walked out together and I heard,

“Ladies and gentlemen the champion of motorsports. Marcus Ambrose.”

There were about 300 people waiting for him in a queue.

 

After six days, a younger guy who knew about cars replaced me on the podium. I’m surprised it took them that long.

Arch child

Posted: November 29, 2022 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE, Raising Hell | Tags: , , , , , , | 2 Comments

You are 18.

I didn’t leave you at the supermarket or lose you at the beach; you didn’t bolt so far that I didn’t track you down eventually.

When you became a teenager you sprayed enough deodorant to kill an elephant and when I complained you replied,

“What does it smell like?”

“Like a teenage boy trying to hide odours in their room.”

“That’s exactly what I want to smell like mum.”

What a force of nature you are cyclone Arch. In the womb you kicked the shit out of my ribs. You couldn’t wait to get out. Now you enjoy staying in bed.

A few months ago when you screamed late at night, I said,

“Did you have to do that?”

And you said,

“Did I scare you mum?”

“Your whole life.” We laughed.

I raised my baby to adulthood.

Happy 18th birthday my Menace. I’m glad the pill didn’t work

Totally biased mothering

Posted: May 9, 2021 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE, Parents | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

I miss my mum even though she’s still here. Dementia has taken away her speech and her legs, but left her with a sparkle in her eyes whenever my children walk up to her chair. She glows when she sees her grand kids. When I hold her hand, she smiles. She could still pick me out in a police line up. And some days she tries to feed me. Even if it’s the crust from her sandwich or a spoonful of watery soup.

Barbie was a totally biased mother. She cut people out of our family photos if they were mean to her children. She stood up for us even when we probably didn’t deserve it. The older I get, the more I appreciate her bias in the face of evidence that proved her children were occasionally wrong. Not me, of course, but my siblings.

My kids were also blessed to have a wonderful indigenous grandmother who survived, built a family on her own, fed us, made art and laughed with us, and taught me resilience with her protective, fierce mother energy. She loved her family and actively gave her all to us. She never wanted slippers; time, cake and loving care was her greatest gift. She left us too soon. We miss her.

Happy Mother’s Day to everyone, especially those without their mothers and grandmothers, and those whose children have gone or didn’t get to be born in this life. Today can be tough. Let’s all spread mothering love to our friends and chosen family, whether fur or human. Wipe dribble off your friend’s face, help them tuck in their shirt, make them toast and tell them off for their messy car. Your mother would be proud.

‘Ucken see ya rona

Posted: June 8, 2020 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

As we prepare for a new world order after the first wave of corona, I’m reflecting on life in lockdown.

I will NOT miss

Updates from the CEOs of every company I’ve ever shopped with

Seeing Scummo’s smug face on my screens every five minutes

Pointless health and wellness videos

Over-medicated Zoom calls

Online conspiracy theories from whackos who I thought were sane people

Nauseating we’re-all-in-this-together messages from celebrities

Remote learning with teenage beast

I WILL MISS

Sleeping in

Cuddles with my cat every day

Reading multiple books

Afternoon naps

Carbs

Clean air

Day time TV

Day drinking

Bin isolation Facebook posts

Tracky dacks every day even though I wear pyjamas to work

Laughing with goth child over mad cat vids on TikTok

Bye rona, don’t come back…

Sanity is over rated

Posted: April 11, 2020 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Ways to help ourselves in the time of covid19:

Avoid expert guidance from wealthy influencers who live in massive houses when you’re stuck in a small flat

Turn off the TV when the corona virus celebrity advice special comes on

Avoid listening to politicians who talk endlessly about the economy. We’re a community

Borrow a dog or a cat or a rabbit and stroke their fur to lower blood pressure

Wear your pyjamas all day if it helps

Send a postcard to a nursing home wishing the locked away oldies and nursing staff well

Check on your neighbours

Burn your bra

Enjoy your sleep in

Shop local

Cherish your time off the treadmill

Dream a little dream

Watch Gene Kelly dance in Singing In The Rain

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