Happy Next Year

Happy New Year. Hope you have fun tonight. I want a smallish glass of good champagne. At one point in my life I would have drunk tequila made from wombat wee if the bar ran dry and now I’m a one glass screamer. Mummies getting smashed is so last year.

In 2019 we will have:

More hopes

More dreams

Fewer emails, more laughter

More kisses, less complaining

Zero idiot rich white male politicians, more wise women from diverse backgrounds

Less coconut milk, more chocolate

Fewer inspirational quotes, more doing

More policies, less political slogans

More teenage dirtbags, less sanitised posers

More sleep, less stress

More grunge, less photoshop

More fun, fewer rules

More rebellion

More open hearts

We can learn to love again


2018 – The Year of the Plonker

2018, the year that cannot end quickly enough for me. What a clusterfuck.

This truly was the year of the tools coming out from under their rocks.

Trump
Israel Folau spreading hate
Julie Asbestos Bishop behaving like the hypocrite of the century, acting like a martyr when she let Bernie Banton die in agony waiting for compensation
Barnaby Joyce
Lleyonhelm
Lindsay Lohan and her “women look weak” bollocks
Malcolm Gunning from the real estate agents group who thought that people should get a second job to buy a home
Steve Smith and David Warner
The Wallabies
Potato Dutton thinking he had a chance at the top job. The man has a head like a dropped pie
The guy who wanted to ask me out on a date but then mansplained the term ‘mansplaining’ to me
Too many women and children murdered by men they knew, including beautiful Olga and her kids
Scott Morrison’s embarrassing moments happening almost daily from October

Extreme weather conditions worsened across the globe and still moron politicians deny climate science

There have been 94 school shootings in the US this year

 

The year when the two most powerful comedy shows weren’t funny; Nanette by- Hannah Gadsby and Sascha Baron Cohen’s documentary on America

We lost beautiful artists this year, too many to suicide

Aretha Franklin, Neil Simon, Tom Wolfe, Mirka Mora, Dolores O’Riordan, Richard Gill, Stephen Hawking, Charles Blackman, Judy Blame,, Anthony Bourdain, Kofi Annan, Penny Marshall, Penny Cook, Liz Jackson
Eurydice Dixon was taken from us

Heroes

Robert Mueller
Emma Gonzalez and her classmates
Jameela Jamil

Tham Luang cave divers
Chrissie Foster

Christine Balsey Ford

Saxon Mullins

Sisto Malaspina

The year I learnt to say no more than yes

I was ghosted by a friend

This year a school bully told my child that she should kill her self, my two other kids suffered health problems and I went to hospital twice, but we are blessed to have our health system and we have held onto our sanity (just)

Shakespeare wrote about Donald Trump in All’s Well That Ends Well:

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

May 2019 bring wisdom and a strong wall to keep the idiots at bay

 


Christ Kringle

Dear Santa

Can we please have an inspiring prime minister like Jacinta Ardern or Justin Trudeau for Christmas?

All I want for Christmas is my dad, Stella Young, David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, my friends Claire, Ant, Veljko and Marc to come back. I’ll swap you Trump, Barnaby Joyce, Tony Abbott, Rupert Murdoch, the cast of any of the Bachie shows, the Sunrise panel and that dolt Dutton.

And let’s close the gap, give indigenous kids back to their communities to heal, and also get kids out of detention ploise, they don’t belong there and neither do their parents

K?

All I really want for Christmas is a cocker spaniel and a house to put him in


Miss Piggy Says No

Dear world of media, social and serious,

I understand that the current crop of American, British and Australian politicians are spectacularly unskilled, treacherous, dangerous to children and the general health of our nations, but can we please stop calling them Muppets? Muppets are cute. Most of our pollies are neither entertaining, warm or wise, so stop labelling them as friendly puppets that have given pleasure to millions. When writing about these huge parliamentary pension seekers, using the term muppets conveys that they possess some wit. This is not the case.

The current Australian prime minister (for this week) is not life-like, clever nor an original thinker, nor able to relate to humans with humour and compassion, so for the sake of my fond childhood memories please refrain from comparing him to Fozzie Bear, Rowlf the Dog or Kermit.

I have heard the term, you lying fucking muppet used many times when relating to Brexit, can we please instead call these career con artists twats, twatwaffles or plonkers? If you don’t like these terms, consider using the phrases of the Bard. Shakespeare was brilliant at describing human stupidity. We could yell out in Question Time:
“More of your conversation would infect my brain. Your brain is as dry as the remainder biscuit after voyage.”

The only Muppets we need in politics are Statler and Waldorf to heckle and cajole incompetent public servants in parliament buildings around the world.

I hope that something better comes along…

 

marionette
/ˌmarɪəˈnɛt/
noun
noun: marionette; plural noun: marionettes
  1. a puppet worked by strings.
    “the bird bobs up and down like a marionette”
    • a person who is easily manipulated or controlled.
      “many officers dismissed him as the mayor’s marionette”

Black hole Friday

Apparently, on Black Friday spiritual satisfaction can be gained through sales. This morning I woke to find that I missed the weekend to give thanks, but Black Friday frenzy can be enjoyed even on Cyber Monday. I’d love to turn Monday into Friday, but beware if you are tempted to take advantage of a late offer on the Black Friday sales, think about America. Fighting, shooting, looting, one person shot dead, sounds like a fun day out spending money we don’t have on shit we don’t need to me.
Cyber Monday has a high rating on the official Australian who gives a rat’s arse-o-metre. Don’t be tempted. it’s not your last chance. Like John Farnham comeback tour tickets, you know deep in your carb-loaded core that all this stuff will be online again. Over purchasing as a religious experience landed America a buy now, pay later president. We don’t need to copy them.

The family with an obsession with K’s will also tell you repeatedly that using a credit card is a talent. It isn’t. We don’t need new pots, we buy crap to fill the gaping hole in our feelings. Finding a bargain won’t make us happy. We need to make mindless consumerism as popular as Dolce and Gabbana in Shanghai. Supermarkets don’t have a happiness aisle selling unicorns. I’ve checked.

Getting into debt is not the way to fulfillment. When we are rich in shopping bags, we become poor in mental acuity. Like a Hillsong church, rich consumerism has only lead to poor spiritualism. Your mindless purchases may include all natural, non-toxic, free shipping. But happiness is sold separately.


When this ruddy war is over

During the First World War, one-tenth of the Australian male population enlisted. Everyone in this country knew someone who had gone to war. Many never returned.

The grave that they dug him had flowers
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors
And the brown earth bleached white
At the edge of his gravestone
He’s gone
When the wars of our nation did beckon
The man, barely twenty, did answer the calling
Proud of the trust
That he placed in our nation
He’s gone
But eternity knows him
And it knows what we’ve done
And the rain fell like pearls
On the leaves of the flowers
Leaving brown, muddy clay
Where the earth had been dry
And deep in the trench
He waited for hours
As he held to his rifle
And prayed not to die
But the silence of night
Was shattered by fire
As the guns and grenades
Blasted sharp through the air
One after another
His comrades were slaughtered
In the morgue of marines
Alone, standing there
He crouched ever lower
Ever lower, with fear
They can’t let me die
They can’t let me die here
I’ll cover myself
With the mud and the earth
I’ll cover myself
I know I’m not brave
The earth, the earth
The earth is my grave
The grave that they dug him had flowers
Gathered from the hillsides in bright summer colors
And the brown earth bleached white
At the edge of his gravestone
He’s gone
We have learned nothing in the past 100 years. One day when women are in power, we may not send our beautiful youth to fight in senseless wars.

Meaningless slogans in fancy fonts

As the world falls apart, women are murdered, idiots are in power and politics seems like a bad reality TV show, I’ve developed effective new coping strategies. Mindless midnight social media browsing is great for self-esteem, time wasting and spying on my teenage children. Online advertising, however, can sometimes interrupt my bliss. This week I saw an ad on Instagram with a picture of two men dressed like accountants sitting at a computer below the words:

Revenue modelling with accurate customer journey alignment.

Fork me. I’m not up on the current marketing vernacular, but can the business world please learn to speak English? If they want to flog their dubious schemes with very little cash flow it may help if their unsuspecting customers could actually understand what is being flogged.

Here are some tips for those of us who would like to get ahead in the online world of peddling the latest get rich quick schemes:

Using lots of jargon will definitely break your customer’s spirit

Just because you have the technology to make a selfie video doesn’t mean you should. Now that everyone has a camera people are unfortunately living with the delusion that what they have to say is interesting. If your video bores me to tears, I’m definitely not looking at your website. The world doesn’t need more mindless advice, more banal lectures, more monotonous podcasts, how to vlogs and more wearying webinars.

Philanthropy must be encouraged; as I try to be community-minded, I’m proposing mandatory jail sentences be introduced for companies using the following words and phrases in their promotional materials:

Drill down

Growth hacking

Resonate

Robust

Disruptor

In and of itself

Growing your brand

Upskilling

A culture of tedium and being annoying is not an effective marketing tool. As I age, I’m growing nostalgic. Remember when we just went to work and didn’t have to read inspiring online stories of personal development?

Advertising can be simple