Not normal

Last night I came home late and found this piece of junk mail in my letterbox delivered by the coalition for marriage.


These unChristians could be spending money sheltering homeless people or sending aid to the Rohingya people, Mexico or Puerto Rico, but instead they waste their money on printing their lies about LGBTQIA families, based on made up fairy tales and their limited definition of what it means to be a family. As a single mum, I also object to being told that my family is not the norm.

What is normal? Urban Dictionary says, that normal is a word used as a tool of conformity. It is not normal for Christians to promote hating their fellow man.

Coalition for the disparagement of truth, every word they have printed is a lie. Promoting hate and division is not what Jesus did.

As Maya Angelou said,

“Hate, it has caused a lot of problems in the world, but has not solved one yet.”

 

 

 


Yes mum

My 90 year old mother has dementia. The word dementia comes from the Latin dementiae. In the dictionary, it is defined as, madness, distraction or folly. The mum I knew is slipping away and all I can do is massage her dry skin with rose scented cream, hold her hand and try to bring her some joy. 

Some weeks the phone calls from my mother are so numerous, angry, repetitive and bat shit crazy, that I find myself glancing at shite online trying to distract myself while I listen to her tell me stories that I’ve heard 100 times. These conversations become so bad, that reading updates on LinkedIn seems like a good idea. 
But this week I found the upside to my mother’s dementia.We had a cup of tea and then she handed me her mail.
“Do you know what to do about this?” she said. I looked at the envelopes and realised that amongst the bills and a letter from Centrelink, was the ABS voting form for the Same Sex Marriage survey. I grinned.
“Yes mum, yes I do. If any of your friends here in the nursing home need help with this, I can help them too.” Helping people, that is what Christians who want to heal the world can do.


I’m full of it

The world has gone to hell. There’s a mad man in the White House threatening war, unChristians attacking the gay community with lies and bombers killing and injuring young people all over Europe.
Meanwhile crazy breeders like me are still bringing kids into the world and hoping they’ll be able to breathe clean air when they have children. I’m too selfish to be a grandmother, but I’ve got so much great advice for new mothers I can hardly keep it to myself; on the bus, at supermarkets or the park, parents of young children love me handing out my wisdom.
Here is my latest, state of the art, world-class, incredible, inspirational, never before thought of hints for new parents who really need all the self-help they can find:

  1. An immaculate house is the sign of a wasted life, think of all those Youtube clips you could be perving at instead.
  2. Road kill is best barbecued
  3. Childen can amuse themselves
  4. Refrain from smoking over your baby
  5. Be civil to your children’s teachers, they are making you look like a good parent
  6. Allow rich relatives to send you large, tax-deductible charity donations
  7. Find suitable children for your kid to play with, i.e. imaginary friends
  8. Stop talking to your child lest they inherit your neuroses
  9. Write lots of #inspo #fitspo TO DO lists
  10. Ensure you live at least 500 kilometres away from monster in law, unless she will clean your house, not brag about it, nor tell her mummy’s boy son you’re a slob

I could write a book. Here’s my I can’t believe I haven’t got millions of followers guru face:


 

 


Handy hints for lethargic mothers

If you’re coming home to a house full of little horrors, follow my fab advice and you will know how to stay happy while raising a child to adulthood without taking them back to the pet shop for a refund

  1. Any food item that cannot be left in the oven and baked within an inch of its life is not worth feeding to a child
  2. Stop reading other people’s stupid to do or advice lists
  3. Teach a baby to find her thumb quickly, don’t pick up dummies and sterililse them
  4. Stop your child whingeing by feeding them treats. Send your kid to bed with chocolate milk. When they are toothless at age 15, tell them they can’t have their cake and eat it too
  5. Keep the lights off while you clean the kitchen, you can’t see much dirt and you’ll get the job done faster
  6. Life is too short to spend one minute of it ironing
  7. Netball will not help your child become a high achiever, step away from the court
  8. Being a part time mother is great, everyday chores don’t cut into party time.
  9. Dive into a charity bin when your child needs a new outfit; great for emergency babysitting too, especially if you find a shady one; lots of toys for kids to play with in there and cheaper than day care. You may occasionally come back from your break and your child is cuddling a dead possum, but every parent makes mistakes.
  10. The dishwasher is God’s gift to lazy mothers

Praise Marion Donovan, the inventor of the disposable nappy, she is the patron saint of slothful parents


God has given you one face & you make yourself another

Recently my eldest found a fetching gown for her boyfriend to wear to a party. I think every boy needs to wear a princess dress at least once in his life, but it seems the religious nutters don’t agree. In a recent ad, allegedly opposing marriage equality and supporting the no vote, a woman proclaiming to be a Christian whinged about boys being asked to wear dresses. The Pope wears a frock. Scottish men wear kilts, Jesus ran around in a tunic and plenty of men in the middle east look like they’re wearing shift dresses, but apparently men frocking up opens the gateway to hell.

What disturbs me most about the Australian Christian Lobby’s ‘Vote No’ ads, apart from the fact that the No campaign ads claim that schools will force males to wear skirts, is that these so-called Christians think that it is morally right to spend upwards of $20 million on a hate campaign. $20 MILLION DOLLARS that could be spent helping SO many people who are homeless, are victims of domestic violence or need help for mental issues.

I come from a long line of godbothers, I endured years of being dragged to Sunday school by my religious grandparents. My grandfather knew the Bible so well he would lecture Jehovah’s Witnesses at his front door for so long that they’d run away. So I remember key Bible verses. Jesus said,

“Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none, and whoever has food must do likewise. Do not extort money from anyone by threats or false accusation, and be satisfied with your wages.” Luke 3:10-14

Jesus also said,

“Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

Jesus didn’t say Thou shalt cherry pick the bible to find verses that suit an agenda of hate and division, and cause your fellow man to suffer bullying because their values are different from yours

Love wins


I manifest magic and exhale platitudes

I can’t believe women’s magazines are struggling to find readers when they insist on writing stories about women who aren’t particularly inspiring. In this week’s issue we talk to Goopy Gwyny, who tells us how she ‘does it all.’ Gwyn can pay for an army of nannies, personal fluffers and acolytes but apparently, she is amazing. Be stunned at how Sheryl Sandberg juggles career and raising children. Sheryl has a net worth of $US1billion, poor Shezza, the school run must be exhausting for her au pairs. These women aren’t inspirational, they’re filthy rich.

I want to know how Wiradjuri woman Linda Burney survived domestic violence, raised kids and went on to be a successful MP. This is the woman who said,

“Teach little girls that it’s not normal to be hit, do work in schools with the young women and young men about respectful relationships,” Ms Burney said.

Lady magazine editors and bloggers, please tell me about women who crawled out of the swamp of their lives and became successful despite their lack of money, self-esteem or contacts. Botoxed #fitspo #inspo women with enough money to pay assistants and massage therapists aren’t groundbreaking, they’re lucky. These women may work hard, but when you can regularly take luxury holidays with your kids without worrying if you’ll be evicted from your small rented flat while you’re away, you’re not someone who lifts my spirits.

Day after day on Linkedin and Facebook, I’m bombarded with ads from ‘success coaches’ about how to be a winner, reinvent myself as an inspirational role model and write ten best selling novels before breakfast. Spare me. I don’t want quotes about wisdom, I want Rosie Batty as our next PM. Ladies, it is time we turned the world around.

Photographer Stephen G Reinhardt


To Pollard

Pollarding is a method of pruning that keeps trees and shrubs smaller than they would naturally grow. It is normally started once a tree or shrub reaches a certain height, and annual pollarding will restrict the plant to that height.

 

In the interests of fine single mothering, I’ve decided to Pollard my children. Minimal feeding means that my kids won’t grow too tall, thus saving on expensive sports shoes and fancy undies, and keeping school uniform costs to a minimum. My food bill will be reduced, thus Pollard will be kept in the fine style I would like to be accustomed to.

 

Maintaining a Pollard

The Pollard method is useful to maintain the size of a teen who is in danger of growing too big for a small, single mother budget sized apartment.
Rejuvenating a Pollard

Summer can be a suitable time to Pollard. This method requires the removal of parasites or weakly-attached branches of the family tree. So out with the toxic monster in law and deadbeat dad and in with promoting attachment to healthy adult role models. According to Dr Google, “It may be possible to remove the branches that have grown from the stumps of old Pollards.” Yes! I am well rid of my STDs, the sexually transmitted debts that kept me weighed down for too long.  Bring on summer.

If you’re happy and you know it, learn to Pollard

Look how little and cute my youngest favourite child turned out.


(C) Pollard Perfect Parenting Plan 2017