Back to school joy

In 2019 I am transforming into an alert single mother because my child will be alarmed. No more teen tantrums to endure! I’ve decided to send my wandering youngest child to school in China, where she can wear a lovely new uniform. Even thousands of miles away I can easily track her whereabouts. I need to find a translator so I can read her school reports.

Big mother will find you #beyondtheschoolgrounds


Tell me Kondo, Kondo, Kondo

Marie Kondo san

Vinnies and Salvos may not agree but I’d like to say,

Doomo arigatoo gozaimasu

I hugged my teenager and she didn’t give me joy so I sent her to live with her father

I spent Christmas with my relatives and they didn’t bring me happiness so I moved away

I laboured through a summer party with pill popping friends who became obnoxious, so this year I won’t be answering their calls

My daggy trackie dacks don’t spark joy but the fact that they still fit me after three kids does so I’m keeping them

Folding up Dutton, Morrison and Abbott at the next election will help my thoughts become clear

Parking cops don’t speak to my heart, out they go

Throwing out “joyless” items originally struck me as a first world problem. But the end result may be that the world is made better


Unspirational

A few things I’m hoping for in 2019:

Hardly any bottom of the budgie cage seeds on my veggies

No more friend requests from inspirational people selling pyramid schemes

A world class, leading expert free world

An absence of life hacks

A climate change deniers manned journey to Pluto

An apathy of new bucket list items

Motivational speaker free zones

A teaspoon of resolutions

Piglets running loose in public parks

A plethora of politicians who think before they speak

Truckloads of hot firies turning up at work


Sweaty

Summer in Straya – a few of my favourite things:

Flying cockroaches

Lasting New Years resolutions like eating more sugar and drinking more fruity wine

Teenagers asked to empty dishwasher kindly putting 3 forks away

Sweaty humid walk home from beach to end up stinkier than before ocean swim

Adults moaning about kids singing too loud while playing music at the park

Watermelon stains on white clothing

Photos of depressed northern hemisphere mates clad in grey overcoats

Burnt veggies on the barbie

Drunken laughter drifting from pub beer gardens

Politicians releasing details of dodgy deals on public holidays

Cat bringing dead lizards and mangled mice inside for shared family dinner

Oldies bitching about toddlers having public meltdowns. Who doesn’t love a good tantrum?

Mango dribbling down your chin

Appointments with melanoma specialists

Work experience radio hosts describing daily weather. “Hot then bucketing down. Tomorrow balmy, then a summery, tropical weekend scorcher.”

Warm drinks laced with flies

Happy sweaty Southern Hemisphere summer


Happy Next Year

Happy New Year. Hope you have fun tonight. I want a smallish glass of good champagne. At one point in my life I would have drunk tequila made from wombat wee if the bar ran dry and now I’m a one glass screamer. Mummies getting smashed is so last year.

In 2019 we will have:

More hopes

More dreams

Fewer emails, more laughter

More kisses, less complaining

Zero idiot rich white male politicians, more wise women from diverse backgrounds

Less coconut milk, more chocolate

Fewer inspirational quotes, more doing

More policies, less political slogans

More teenage dirtbags, less sanitised posers

More sleep, less stress

More grunge, less photoshop

More fun, fewer rules

More rebellion

More open hearts

We can learn to love again


2018 – The Year of the Plonker

2018, the year that cannot end quickly enough for me. What a clusterfuck.

This truly was the year of the tools coming out from under their rocks.

Trump
Israel Folau spreading hate
Julie Asbestos Bishop behaving like the hypocrite of the century, acting like a martyr when she let Bernie Banton die in agony waiting for compensation
Barnaby Joyce
Lleyonhelm
Lindsay Lohan and her “women look weak” bollocks
Malcolm Gunning from the real estate agents group who thought that people should get a second job to buy a home
Steve Smith and David Warner
The Wallabies
Potato Dutton thinking he had a chance at the top job. The man has a head like a dropped pie
The guy who wanted to ask me out on a date but then mansplained the term ‘mansplaining’ to me
Too many women and children murdered by men they knew, including beautiful Olga and her kids
Scott Morrison’s embarrassing moments happening almost daily from October

Extreme weather conditions worsened across the globe and still moron politicians deny climate science

There have been 94 school shootings in the US this year

 

The year when the two most powerful comedy shows weren’t funny; Nanette by- Hannah Gadsby and Sascha Baron Cohen’s documentary on America

We lost beautiful artists this year, too many to suicide

Aretha Franklin, Neil Simon, Tom Wolfe, Mirka Mora, Dolores O’Riordan, Richard Gill, Stephen Hawking, Charles Blackman, Judy Blame,, Anthony Bourdain, Kofi Annan, Penny Marshall, Penny Cook, Liz Jackson
Eurydice Dixon was taken from us

Heroes

Robert Mueller
Emma Gonzalez and her classmates
Jameela Jamil

Tham Luang cave divers
Chrissie Foster

Christine Balsey Ford

Saxon Mullins

Sisto Malaspina

The year I learnt to say no more than yes

I was ghosted by a friend

This year a school bully told my child that she should kill her self, my two other kids suffered health problems and I went to hospital twice, but we are blessed to have our health system and we have held onto our sanity (just)

Shakespeare wrote about Donald Trump in All’s Well That Ends Well:

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

May 2019 bring wisdom and a strong wall to keep the idiots at bay

 


Christ Kringle

Dear Santa

Can we please have an inspiring prime minister like Jacinta Ardern or Justin Trudeau for Christmas?

All I want for Christmas is my dad, Stella Young, David Bowie, Prince, Alan Rickman, my friends Claire, Ant, Veljko and Marc to come back. I’ll swap you Trump, Barnaby Joyce, Tony Abbott, Rupert Murdoch, the cast of any of the Bachie shows, the Sunrise panel and that dolt Dutton.

And let’s close the gap, give indigenous kids back to their communities to heal, and also get kids out of detention ploise, they don’t belong there and neither do their parents

K?

All I really want for Christmas is a cocker spaniel and a house to put him in