Avocado free zone

Lucky me! I’m househunting again. I’m a professional Sydney real estate agent stalker. My kids and I have moved about 20 times. Months without buying avocado toast mean that one day I may be able to move to a home within 50 kilometres of an area I’d actually like to live in.
I have so many questions to ask a real estate agent:
Where is the step father accommodation?
Where is the step sibling spare bedroom?
Is there a sibling fight room away from the main house?
Can the main bedroom detach from the house and move 10 metres into the garden when the teenagers get too much?
Can the cat annexe the house?

Back in 1995, when I was drunk every night and kissing girls because boys asked me to and wearing absurd feathered dresses and talking shit until 4am with guys with ironic facial hair, I could have been buying a house for $250,000 and set myself up for a much more comfortable cranky middle age.

But now, thanks to negative gearing and government greed, I’ll never buy my own home. The only way that anyone earning under $250,000 i.e. single mothers, students, commies, pinkos, leftos, nurses, ambos and waiters will be able to buy a house is for one of these miracles to occur: 
Winning the lottery

Overthrowing capitalism 

Conducting a scandalous affair with a billionaire

Or the most ridiculous:

Voting for politicians who have the bollocks to help workers afford vermin-free housing in big cities 

Jokes. They don’t exist


I get invited to all the best parties

The Australian Federal Police is a progressive and multi-faceted law enforcement organisation taking a strong lead in the fight against 21st century crime.

You have been invited to the court

You are invited to the law court by the judge because of offense against the law.

Case:

#72007685

Date:

30/03/2016

Please visit nearest police office or view case notices.

Save case info

You must provide all the necessary information to the Court within 18 days, starting from the time at which this message was received. If the information is not provided, the court can take place without your participation.

The nature of the AFP and what is required of it, has changed significantly in recent years. The AFP has responded to a rapidly changing environment and this has required a greater focus on national and international operations.

The new challenges the AFP faces include counter terrorism, human trafficking and sexual servitude, cybercrime, peace operations, protection and other transnational crimes.

You have the right to request a correction of your personal information under the Privacy Act. The AFP is required to make the corrections to your personal information if it is reasonable to do so.

The AFP does not provide your personal information to other Australian or foreign law enforcement, intelligence, security or government agencies, organisations or individuals unless the disclosure is authorised by the AFP Act and the Privacy Act, or is otherwise required or authorised by law.

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Can’t wait to hear about my crime


Spam of the year

This is my favourite ever spam email, even though it doesn’t promise me a new husband, it has been checked by anti-virus software and is from the FLOTUS.

BARR, JOHN KURTY

Reply-To: wellsfargobankoffice01@gmail.com

From Mrs. Michelle Barack, LAST UPDATE

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

How are you today? This is last you will ever hear from me and you fail to comply.

I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum of $20.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America, the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday, December 18, 2015 to you as soon as you get back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.

Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $95.00 only before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on Friday, the reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance  paper from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the said amount by Friday as soon as your fund is delivered to you.

So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your delivery. Note that the $95 is the only fee and final payment you have my assurance.

However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $95 try to borrow it and send it immediately today because this is your life opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.

Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via western union  money transfer to the listed cashier information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $95 payment.

Please find the payment data below to send the $95 via western union.

Receiver Name:     PRINCEL URAMAKA

Country:            BENIN

City:               COTONOU

Question:         Urgent

Answer:            Needed

Amount:         $95.00

MTCN reference number…………

Sender Name………..

Sender’s Telephone……

Sender’s Address……..

I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.

Regards

Mrs. Michelle Barack

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.

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Christmas recipes

Single Mother Christmas Gingerbread House

 

Ingredients list:

 

Pre made kit from cheapo supermarket

 

Icing sugar

 

Gin

 

Lemons to taste

 

Valium (quantity as required)

 

Loud music

 

Helpful hints

 

Tablespoon of family argument regarding decorations

 

Swear Jar

 

Extended Family

 

Mix all ingredients on Christmas Eve and hope for the best

Read the rest of this entry »