My new solo comedy show Kids In The Kitchen opens tonight at The Factory Theatre, Marrickville for the 2017 Sydney Comedy Festival
I am officially an old bag. Today I turn 50 and I’m trying hard not to whinge. For it is a privilege to be 50. My friends who died of breast cancer in their 40s would love to be where I am. And so would the kids who were robbed of their mothers.
The beautiful sick kids I’ve met at the hospitals I work in who left way too soon didn’t get to be adults at all. And the families and friends of my darlings Veljko, Mark and Anthony who died in their 20s would love to know them in their 50s. Those guys would have aged like fine wine if they’d had the chance.
I don’t feel that different, but I look in the mirror and I see age creeping up on me. I was born on a Monday, “Monday’s child is fair of face,” but my face looks like it needs more sleep. And my knees creak from all the stilt walking, gymnastics and dancing drunk in stupid high heels over the past 35 years. I can still have fun with my kids, my best friends, the families I meet through my work and I share great love with a beautiful heart. But there are things I’m worried that I haven’t done yet. Maybe I won’t get to live in New York or drive across Africa. Maybe I won’t be brave enough to sail across the world. Maybe crazy life goals are in the past. Maybe I won’t sing with Kermit or be the next teen superstar.
I share my birthday with fabulous people like Twiggy, Jeremy Irons, Frances Farmer, Mama Cass, Daniel Lanois, Nile Rodgers, Jimmy Fallon and Alison Sweeney from Days of Our Lives, darling. Today is also International Talk Like a Pirate day.
At 50 I’ve realised that the cocker spaniels I’ve had in my life may be the only dogs I own in this lifetime as I can’t afford to buy a house.
But 50 brings great rewards. I can sing, dance, laugh and love, I have fabulous kids, and I’ve given up people who drain me of precious energy. I have no time for those who don’t contribute to improving our world. So hit the high seas for some hijinks you swashbuckling scoundrels. I’ll be wearing my new earrings that cost a bucaneer. 50 is swell.
Hi, I’m Sonia, and as well as being a famous ex-dancer, TV wonder girl, motivational guru and gifted Botox devotee, I like to inspire and uplift my fellow mainly white Australians with the love I feel for other fearful Christian human beings. Today I hope we can all:
Dance like Sam Newman is watching
Pop pills like we’re Eddie Maguire
Work like Tony Abbott’s publicist
Love like Michelle Bridges looking in the mirror
Genuflect like Roxy Jacenko
Sing like the Madden brothers mentoring themselves in the shower
Live like we’re in Queensland in 1952
Ponder the deep meaning of our existance like Donald Trump’s wife
Drink like we’re Ben Cousins
Smile like we’ve had dermal fillers
For now you beautiful pale Aussies, Keep Calm and Dance like Sonia
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Can’t wait to hear about my crime
This is my favourite ever spam email, even though it doesn’t promise me a new husband, it has been checked by anti-virus software and is from the FLOTUS.
BARR, JOHN KURTY
From Mrs. Michelle Barack, LAST UPDATE
The White House
(Official Residence of the President of the US)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500 USA
How are you today? This is last you will ever hear from me and you fail to comply.
I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum of $20.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America, the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday, December 18, 2015 to you as soon as you get back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.
Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $95.00 only before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on Friday, the reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance paper from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the said amount by Friday as soon as your fund is delivered to you.
So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your delivery. Note that the $95 is the only fee and final payment you have my assurance.
However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $95 try to borrow it and send it immediately today because this is your life opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.
Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via western union money transfer to the listed cashier information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $95 payment.
Please find the payment data below to send the $95 via western union.
Receiver Name: PRINCEL URAMAKA
MTCN reference number…………
I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.
Mrs. Michelle Barack
The White House
(Official Residence of the President of the US)
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
Washington DC 20500 USA
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At 8.30pm tonight I’m performing my new show A Real State at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville, for three nights only. I’m hunting for a lovely new home and an audience to match. As a professional fool I wish I had a good job to pay for a mortgage, just like the well-known real estate guru Joe Hockey. I’m currently squashed into a scenic apartment with my three children overlooking the rent.
Fresh from my four-star reviewed Sydney Comedy Festival show Looking For Mike Brady, I’m performing in a tastefully renovated new show about home hunting away from the airport flight path in Sydney’s unreal estate market. This superbly crafted story is a moving show, in a call-the-removalists-the-lease-is-up-again kind of way.
Sophisticated solo parent seeks attractive audience positioned to ensure the perfect lifestyle experience. Bring yourself and any urban hipster double income professionals to this perfectly priced fun show about one woman’s quest to find a stunning family home. You’ll laugh your guts up as I enlist the audience in my hunt for a house, and maybe a husband too.
I’ve written a new stand-up comedy show called A Real State for the Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival. My first performance of this incredibly funny tribute to the sorry state of real estate in Sydney is on Tuesday September 22 at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville.
I’m hoping to see more than my friends and five dogs in the audience as tickets are very cheap. I’ve written new songs and a lot of new material and if I remember to be funny it will be a great night of laughs.
You can buy tickets here: A Real State comedy show
Anxiety, paranoia and sheer terror are all the right ingredients for a successful performance. Tonight I’m performing my solo stand up comedy show ‘Looking For Mike Brady’ for the 2015 Sydney Comedy Festival at the Enmore Theatre and I can’t wait to meet my audience, if not my future husband.
“The loveliest of faces are to be seen by moonlight, when one sees half with the eye and half with the fancy” Persian Proverb
With one week to go before my Sydney Comedy Festival solo show opens I’ve started having my regular nightmares. In the latest one I am backstage at the Enmore Theatre (the venue for my current show), which then morphs into a Wembley Stadium size venue, and for the rest of the dream I embark on a Spinal Tap-esque hunt for the stage I am going to perform on. In the back corridors and bowels of this massive arena I meet footy players, rock stars, roadies, other comedians and officials and I ask every one of them if they know the way to my part of the venue as, “I’m on in five minutes.” Everyone ignores me or laughs in my face as I grow more and more anxious because I know I have an audience, I just don’t know where they are. Every time I wake up thinking that I am late for my show or that I’ve forgotten to get to the venue, I have to look at my phone to check the date and time. It is always around 2.30am.
When I was at acting school 20 years ago, my regular recurring dream was being back stage and other actors coming up to me and laughing in my face because I’d put the wrong make up on for the play we were in. Then one grotesque looking actor would snatch the script from my hand so I had no idea which play we were performing.
I guess the recurring anxiety about my show means I give a rats about the outcome. So please come to my show, I promise to turn down the volume on my neurotic brain
In the lead up to my Sydney Comedy Festival show ‘Looking For Mike Brady’, I’ve been thinking about my comedy because people see me doing stand up and say, “oh I love that trashy single mother character,” and I think I’m just being me, the me I see myself as. So I don’t think I’m playing a character (she and I are very close) but some audience members who don’t know me think I’m exaggerating my behaviour. Now I get why comedy people are private, often reclusive so they can pour all their energy into their work. When I lived in London I used to walk past Benny Hill’s place and when I looked in his front windows he was always sitting very quietly by the fire, looking a little sad. To give out that much mayhem and happy I think you need to have quiet time to balance the fun and madness coming out of your head. Life is funny but not every day