Cooking fails

My new solo comedy show Kids In The Kitchen opens tonight at The Factory Theatre, Marrickville for the 2017 Sydney Comedy Festival

 

Lou_Pollard SCF 2017 Kids In The Kitchen poster flyer.jpg


Shifty at 50

I am officially an old bag. Today I turn 50 and I’m trying hard not to whinge. For it is a privilege to be 50. My friends who died of breast cancer in their 40s would love to be where I am. And so would the kids who were robbed of their mothers.

The beautiful sick kids I’ve met at the hospitals I work in who left way too soon didn’t get to be adults at all. And the families and friends of my darlings Veljko, Mark and Anthony who died in their 20s would love to know them in their 50s. Those guys would have aged like fine wine if they’d had the chance.

I don’t feel that different, but I look in the mirror and I see age creeping up on me. I was born on a Monday, “Monday’s child is fair of face,” but my face looks like it needs more sleep. And my knees creak from all the stilt walking, gymnastics and dancing drunk in stupid high heels over the past 35 years. I can still have fun with my kids, my best friends, the families I meet through my work and I share great love with a beautiful heart. But there are things I’m worried that I haven’t done yet. Maybe I won’t get to live in New York or drive across Africa. Maybe I won’t be brave enough to sail across the world. Maybe crazy life goals are in the past. Maybe I won’t sing with Kermit or be the next teen superstar.

I share my birthday with fabulous people like Twiggy, Jeremy Irons, Frances Farmer, Mama Cass, Daniel Lanois, Nile Rodgers, Jimmy Fallon and Alison Sweeney from Days of Our Lives, darling. Today is also International Talk Like a Pirate day. 

http://talklikeapirate.com/wordpress/

At 50 I’ve realised that the cocker spaniels I’ve had in my life may be the only dogs I own in this lifetime as I can’t afford to buy a house.

But 50 brings great rewards. I can sing, dance, laugh and love, I have fabulous kids, and I’ve given up people who drain me of precious energy. I have no time for those who don’t contribute to improving our world. So hit the high seas for some hijinks you swashbuckling scoundrels. I’ll be wearing my new earrings that cost a bucaneer.  50 is swell.

Linda Ronstadt – Blue Bayou on The Muppet Show


Sonia’s life hacks

Hi, I’m Sonia, and as well as being a famous ex-dancer, TV wonder girl, motivational guru and gifted Botox devotee, I like to inspire and uplift my fellow mainly white Australians with the love I feel for other fearful Christian human beings. Today I hope we can all:

Dance like Sam Newman is watching

Pop pills like we’re Eddie Maguire

Work like Tony Abbott’s publicist

Love like Michelle Bridges looking in the mirror

Genuflect like Roxy Jacenko

Sing like the Madden brothers mentoring themselves in the shower

Live like we’re in Queensland in 1952

Ponder the deep meaning of our existance like Donald Trump’s wife

Drink like we’re Ben Cousins

Smile like we’ve had dermal fillers

For now you beautiful pale Aussies, Keep Calm and Dance like Sonia


I get invited to all the best parties

The Australian Federal Police is a progressive and multi-faceted law enforcement organisation taking a strong lead in the fight against 21st century crime.

You have been invited to the court

You are invited to the law court by the judge because of offense against the law.

Case:

#72007685

Date:

30/03/2016

Please visit nearest police office or view case notices.

Save case info

You must provide all the necessary information to the Court within 18 days, starting from the time at which this message was received. If the information is not provided, the court can take place without your participation.

The nature of the AFP and what is required of it, has changed significantly in recent years. The AFP has responded to a rapidly changing environment and this has required a greater focus on national and international operations.

The new challenges the AFP faces include counter terrorism, human trafficking and sexual servitude, cybercrime, peace operations, protection and other transnational crimes.

You have the right to request a correction of your personal information under the Privacy Act. The AFP is required to make the corrections to your personal information if it is reasonable to do so.

The AFP does not provide your personal information to other Australian or foreign law enforcement, intelligence, security or government agencies, organisations or individuals unless the disclosure is authorised by the AFP Act and the Privacy Act, or is otherwise required or authorised by law.

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Can’t wait to hear about my crime


Spam of the year

This is my favourite ever spam email, even though it doesn’t promise me a new husband, it has been checked by anti-virus software and is from the FLOTUS.

BARR, JOHN KURTY

Reply-To: wellsfargobankoffice01@gmail.com

From Mrs. Michelle Barack, LAST UPDATE

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

How are you today? This is last you will ever hear from me and you fail to comply.

I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum of $20.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America, the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday, December 18, 2015 to you as soon as you get back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.

Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $95.00 only before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on Friday, the reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance  paper from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the said amount by Friday as soon as your fund is delivered to you.

So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your delivery. Note that the $95 is the only fee and final payment you have my assurance.

However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $95 try to borrow it and send it immediately today because this is your life opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.

Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via western union  money transfer to the listed cashier information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $95 payment.

Please find the payment data below to send the $95 via western union.

Receiver Name:     PRINCEL URAMAKA

Country:            BENIN

City:               COTONOU

Question:         Urgent

Answer:            Needed

Amount:         $95.00

MTCN reference number…………

Sender Name………..

Sender’s Telephone……

Sender’s Address……..

I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.

Regards

Mrs. Michelle Barack

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.

http://www.avast.com


Unreal Estate

At 8.30pm tonight I’m performing my new show A Real State at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville, for three nights only. I’m hunting for a lovely new home and an audience to match. As a professional fool I wish I had a good job to pay for a mortgage, just like the well-known real estate guru Joe Hockey. I’m currently squashed into a scenic apartment with my three children overlooking the rent.

Fresh from my four-star reviewed Sydney Comedy Festival show Looking For Mike Brady, I’m performing in a tastefully renovated new show about home hunting away from the airport flight path in Sydney’s unreal estate market. This superbly crafted story is a moving show, in a call-the-removalists-the-lease-is-up-again kind of way.

Sophisticated solo parent seeks attractive audience positioned to ensure the perfect lifestyle experience. Bring yourself and any urban hipster double income professionals to this perfectly priced fun show about one woman’s quest to find a stunning family home. You’ll laugh your guts up as I enlist the audience in my hunt for a house, and maybe a husband too.

Buy Tickets for A Real State comedy show


Home is where the heartache is

I’ve written a new stand-up comedy show called A Real State for the Sydney Fringe Comedy Festival. My first performance of this incredibly funny tribute to the sorry state of real estate in Sydney is on Tuesday September 22 at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville.

I’m hoping to see more than my friends and five dogs in the audience as tickets are very cheap. I’ve written new songs and a lot of new material and if I remember to be funny it will be a great night of laughs.

You can buy tickets here: A Real State comedy show