2018 – The Year of the Plonker

Posted: December 23, 2018 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

2018, the year that cannot end quickly enough for me. What a clusterfuck.

This truly was the year of the tools coming out from under their rocks.

Trump
Israel Folau spreading hate
Julie Asbestos Bishop behaving like the hypocrite of the century, acting like a martyr when she let Bernie Banton die in agony waiting for compensation
Barnaby Joyce
Lleyonhelm
Lindsay Lohan and her “women look weak” bollocks
Malcolm Gunning from the real estate agents group who thought that people should get a second job to buy a home
Steve Smith and David Warner
The Wallabies
Potato Dutton thinking he had a chance at the top job. The man has a head like a dropped pie
The guy who wanted to ask me out on a date but then mansplained the term ‘mansplaining’ to me
Too many women and children murdered by men they knew, including beautiful Olga and her kids
Scott Morrison’s embarrassing moments happening almost daily from October

Extreme weather conditions worsened across the globe and still moron politicians deny climate science

There have been 94 school shootings in the US this year

The year when the two most powerful comedy shows weren’t funny; Nanette by- Hannah Gadsby and Sascha Baron Cohen’s documentary on America

We lost beautiful artists this year

Aretha Franklin, Neil Simon, Tom Wolfe, Mirka Mora, Dolores O’Riordan, Richard Gill, Stephen Hawking, Charles Blackman, Judy Blame,, Anthony Bourdain, Kofi Annan,
Eurydice Dixon was taken from us

Heroes

Robert Mueller
Emma Gonzalez and her classmates
Jameela Jamil

Tham Luang cave divers
Chrissie Foster

Christine Balsey Ford

Saxon Mullins

Sisto Malaspina

The year I learnt to say no more than yes

I was ghosted by a friend

This year a school bully told my child that she should kill her self, my two other kids suffered health problems and I went to hospital twice, but we are blessed to have our health system and we have held onto our sanity (just)

Shakespeare wrote about Donald Trump in All’s Well That Ends Well:

“A most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker, the owner of no one good quality.”

May 2019 bring wisdom and a strong wall to keep the idiots at bay

This shame derives itself from unknown loins

Posted: October 8, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: Parenting, Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Selfless community service alert! My Pollard Parenting Method (patent pending) is now available to my adoring public. Why buy a how to raise rugrats book when Pollarding can help you with awkward mothering moments?

Public Transport + small untamed child = major public embarrassment for mother. If you are sitting on the bus with your child and he starts singing,

When you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter,

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you’re rushing to the potty and you hear something grotty

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

Say out loud at regular intervals,

“I wish his mother would come and get him.”

 

Or simply move to another seat on the bus and pretend the offending child does not belong to you. He may well pull down his pants, tug at his penis, and sing another filthy ditty you taught him, but eventually a kind old lady will give him lollies to shut him up.  She will glare at you when she gets off the bus. Pretend not to notice.

 

Writing this for a friend obviously. My children are perfect.

To Pollard

Posted: August 20, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Pollarding is a method of pruning that keeps trees and shrubs smaller than they would naturally grow. It is normally started once a tree or shrub reaches a certain height, and annual pollarding will restrict the plant to that height.

 

In the interests of fine single mothering, I’ve decided to Pollard my children. Minimal feeding means that my kids won’t grow too tall, thus saving on expensive sports shoes and fancy undies, and keeping school uniform costs to a minimum. My food bill will be reduced, thus Pollard will be kept in the fine style I would like to be accustomed to.

 

Maintaining a Pollard

The Pollard method is useful to maintain the size of a teen who is in danger of growing too big for a small, single mother budget sized apartment.
Rejuvenating a Pollard

Summer can be a suitable time to Pollard. This method requires the removal of parasites or weakly-attached branches of the family tree. So out with the toxic monster in law and deadbeat dad and in with promoting attachment to healthy adult role models. According to Dr Google, “It may be possible to remove the branches that have grown from the stumps of old Pollards.” Yes! I am well rid of my STDs, the sexually transmitted debts that kept me weighed down for too long.  Bring on summer.

If you’re happy and you know it, learn to Pollard

Look how little and cute my youngest favourite child turned out.


(C) Pollard Perfect Parenting Plan 2017

That way madness lies

Posted: August 6, 2017 | Author: | Filed under: Parenting | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Appalling parenting alert! Apparently we must stop lying about Santa. ‘Experts’ have suggested that parents who lie about Santa may be motivated by selfish desires, and not what’s best for their children. 

I’m astonished. I can’t believe that parents would put themselves first. Does this mean Instagram parents who post constant photos of their awkward children in designer gear so the parents can get free stuff, adulation and insta-fame are self-obsessed? Quelle horreur! Next ‘they’ will be telling us that children are playing with toys kids don’t really need. 

I’m glad there are gurus who can point out these faux pas. I want to be a fabulous parent to ensure my daughters don’t end up on reality TV shows, so I will never tell a white lie. Ever. And I know single mothers make the best parents, so I’d like to supply sound advice for the thousands of parents who read this blog religiously, hanging off every word I utter.
What other things should parents stop lying about?

Daddy’s girlfriend really wants you to stay at their place for half the school holidays

Nanna means well, she just has a problem expressing herself in a non-passive-aggressive way

Mummy is very upset that the police charged our rude neighbour with DUI

I love your new friend, that little boy in your class is so special

Swearing in another language doesn’t count

G.F.Y means Good For You

 

(C) Pollard Perfect Parenting Plan 2017