This shame derives itself from unknown loins

Selfless community service alert! My Pollard Parenting Method (patent pending) is now available to my adoring public. Why buy a how to raise rugrats book when Pollarding can help you with awkward mothering moments?

Public Transport + small untamed child = major public embarrassment for mother. If you are sitting on the bus with your child and he starts singing,

When you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter,

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you’re rushing to the potty and you hear something grotty

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

Say out loud at regular intervals,

“I wish his mother would come and get him.”

 

Or simply move to another seat on the bus and pretend the offending child does not belong to you. He may well pull down his pants, tug at his penis, and sing another filthy ditty you taught him, but eventually a kind old lady will give him lollies to shut him up.  She will glare at you when she gets off the bus. Pretend not to notice.

 

Writing this for a friend obviously. My children are perfect.


God has given you one face & you make yourself another

Recently my eldest found a fetching gown for her boyfriend to wear to a party. I think every boy needs to wear a princess dress at least once in his life, but it seems the religious nutters don’t agree. In a recent ad, allegedly opposing marriage equality and supporting the no vote, a woman proclaiming to be a Christian whinged about boys being asked to wear dresses. The Pope wears a frock. Scottish men wear kilts, Jesus ran around in a tunic and plenty of men in the middle east look like they’re wearing shift dresses, but apparently men frocking up opens the gateway to hell.

What disturbs me most about the Australian Christian Lobby’s ‘Vote No’ ads, apart from the fact that the No campaign ads claim that schools will force males to wear skirts, is that these so-called Christians think that it is morally right to spend upwards of $20 million on a hate campaign. $20 MILLION DOLLARS that could be spent helping SO many people who are homeless, are victims of domestic violence or need help for mental issues.

I come from a long line of godbothers, I endured years of being dragged to Sunday school by my religious grandparents. My grandfather knew the Bible so well he would lecture Jehovah’s Witnesses at his front door for so long that they’d run away. So I remember key Bible verses. Jesus said,

“Whoever has two coats must share with anyone who has none, and whoever has food must do likewise. Do not extort money from anyone by threats or false accusation, and be satisfied with your wages.” Luke 3:10-14

Jesus also said,

“Three things will last forever–faith, hope, and love–and the greatest of these is love.”

1 Corinthians 13:13

Jesus didn’t say Thou shalt cherry pick the bible to find verses that suit an agenda of hate and division, and cause your fellow man to suffer bullying because their values are different from yours

Love wins


You put a spell on me

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the single mothers and fathers, hope you get lucky today with chocolate kisses and your children wake up smelling like roses. Remember it’s better to be single than fall for a dating scam online. As that well-known expert on internet dating Shakespeare said,

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom


Sail Away With Me To Another World

I woke up this morning thinking of my gorgeous, generous friend and the times she and I would sing karaoke. We’d work our way through rock ballads, fabulous country songs, Patsy, Tammy, then Whitney and of course Dolly Parton. My funny friend also introduced me to the delights of Smooth FM and their back catalogue of hideous one hit wonders. A couple of years ago we gatecrashed an 18th birthday party at a pub and then it turned out C knew the family! She was there for me when I became a single mother and I didn’t know how I would cope. She showed me that single motherhood can be fun. Her funeral is today and I don’t think it’s right that two little girls don’t have their fabulous, funny mum any more. At 42 years old my beautiful friend had so much more to give, more books to write, many more songs to sing. Fly free my darling, your spirit soaring with the sun and the twinkling stars, thank you for your friendship. We will walk with your girls through this life. Love you, love always, always love

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I summon up remembrance of things past,
I sigh the lack of many a thing I sought,
And with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste:
Then can I drown an eye, unus’d to flow,
For precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,
And weep afresh love’s long since cancell’d woe,
And moan the expense of many a vanish’d sight:
Then can I grieve at grievances foregone,
And heavily from woe to woe tell o’er
The sad account of fore-bemoaned moan,
Which I new pay as if not paid before.
But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,
All losses are restor’d and sorrows end.


The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief

Today I’m celebrating four years of freedom.

Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance 
- Oscar Wilde