This shame derives itself from unknown loins

Selfless community service alert! My Pollard Parenting Method (patent pending) is now available to my adoring public. Why buy a how to raise rugrats book when Pollarding can help you with awkward mothering moments?

Public Transport + small untamed child = major public embarrassment for mother. If you are sitting on the bus with your child and he starts singing,

When you’re climbing up a ladder and you hear something splatter,

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

When you’re rushing to the potty and you hear something grotty

Diarrhoea, diarrhoea

Say out loud at regular intervals,

“I wish his mother would come and get him.”

 

Or simply move to another seat on the bus and pretend the offending child does not belong to you. He may well pull down his pants, tug at his penis, and sing another filthy ditty you taught him, but eventually a kind old lady will give him lollies to shut him up.  She will glare at you when she gets off the bus. Pretend not to notice.

 

Writing this for a friend obviously. My children are perfect.


Handy hints for lethargic mothers

If you’re coming home to a house full of little horrors, follow my fab advice and you will know how to stay happy while raising a child to adulthood without taking them back to the pet shop for a refund

  1. Any food item that cannot be left in the oven and baked within an inch of its life is not worth feeding to a child
  2. Stop reading other people’s stupid to do or advice lists
  3. Teach a baby to find her thumb quickly, don’t pick up dummies and sterililse them
  4. Stop your child whingeing by feeding them treats. Send your kid to bed with chocolate milk. When they are toothless at age 15, tell them they can’t have their cake and eat it too
  5. Keep the lights off while you clean the kitchen, you can’t see much dirt and you’ll get the job done faster
  6. Life is too short to spend one minute of it ironing
  7. Netball will not help your child become a high achiever, step away from the court
  8. Being a part time mother is great, everyday chores don’t cut into party time.
  9. Dive into a charity bin when your child needs a new outfit; great for emergency babysitting too, especially if you find a shady one; lots of toys for kids to play with in there and cheaper than day care. You may occasionally come back from your break and your child is cuddling a dead possum, but every parent makes mistakes.
  10. The dishwasher is God’s gift to lazy mothers

Praise Marion Donovan, the inventor of the disposable nappy, she is the patron saint of slothful parents