Black hole Friday

Apparently, on Black Friday spiritual satisfaction can be gained through sales. This morning I woke to find that I missed the weekend to give thanks, but Black Friday frenzy can be enjoyed even on Cyber Monday. I’d love to turn Monday into Friday, but beware if you are tempted to take advantage of a late offer on the Black Friday sales, think about America. Fighting, shooting, looting, one person shot dead, sounds like a fun day out spending money we don’t have on shit we don’t need to me.
Cyber Monday has a high rating on the official Australian who gives a rat’s arse-o-metre. Don’t be tempted. it’s not your last chance. Like John Farnham comeback tour tickets, you know deep in your carb-loaded core that all this stuff will be online again. Over purchasing as a religious experience landed America a buy now, pay later president. We don’t need to copy them.

The family with an obsession with K’s will also tell you repeatedly that using a credit card is a talent. It isn’t. We don’t need new pots, we buy crap to fill the gaping hole in our feelings. Finding a bargain won’t make us happy. We need to make mindless consumerism as popular as Dolce and Gabbana in Shanghai. Supermarkets don’t have a happiness aisle selling unicorns. I’ve checked.

Getting into debt is not the way to fulfillment. When we are rich in shopping bags, we become poor in mental acuity. Like a Hillsong church, rich consumerism has only lead to poor spiritualism. Your mindless purchases may include all natural, non-toxic, free shipping. But happiness is sold separately.


Inspo

As 2017 is ending it is compulsory to make a list of achievements, resolutions and groceries. As a word class highly qualified inspo fitspo marketing guru and on trend innovative disruptive full of it social media influencer professional product placement specialist, I also like to make predictions on what will be hip and cool next week.

The big trends of 2018 will be:
Teens discovering original songs which are better than cover versions recorded by No One With Original Talent contestants

All you can eat pickled onions with plastic cheese will feature on TV cooking shows

Footy socks with thongs will be huge in Paris and Engadine

Jail time for anyone using the hashtags disruptor, innovator or influencer

Fabulous LGBTQIA weddings

Smug coupled up parents will learn that single mothering helps kids learn to be independent

Women in power

Natural lips

Brady bunch families will thrive when property prices plummet

Wearing undies in summer will be abolished due to global warming

Footy teams taking performance-enhancing drugs may win a championship

It will be illegal for teenaged Katy Perry fans to wear 80s metal T-shirts

Americans will discover that guns kill a lot of people

Researchers will find a cure for politicians

(C) Lou Pollard 2017


Instagrammar

Dear selfie kings and queens,
Here’s a revolutionary idea for you when posting to your millions of followers on Instagram: Your posts can be edited.

Call me old fashioned but if you profess to be an expert in your field, perhaps you could proudly display that you can grasp the basic idea of stringing a sentence together?

Maybe proclaiming that youre / your / ur a thought leader then displaying a smorgasbord of unedited grammar and spelling mistakes is not ideal for your brand. If you’re claiming to help people get millions of followers perhaps it would help if you were mildly literate.

It’s bad enough when Insta ‘celebratiez’ post photos of their ugly children, but recently, on her Insta feed, well-known personal trainer MB posted the words,
All be it

I think the word she was looking for was albeit. Really. I’m going to start a heartfelt crowdfunding campaign for the poor lady, she obviously can’t afford to pay someone to proofread her life-changing posts.

Pert ladies and buff gents, you know that tweets can’t be edited (looking at you idiot President number 45) but all your other brilliant revolutionary thoughts on other social media channels can. How about you learn to use the delete button and maybe send a text to a friend who can spell so they can read your genius ideas before you pay to boost your inspo post?

I really love that your /ur / youre a lifestyle guru and new media-savvy social influencer. Honestly I do. But if you want to be a disruptor (gag) then maybe read your ‘next ‘level’ post before you hit the share button…


Thank you for your time

We hope you enjoyed your stay in our hotel. Please fill out this survey so we can judge your level of customer satisfaction and we can annoy our staff with ridiculous statistics about their performance, even though you had one conversation with them that lasted all of two minutes. These surveys will take longer to answer than your actual stay in our facility. 

In a few days we’d like to call you to discuss the results of our tedious marketing logarithms. 

No!

Don’t call me when I’m feeding my kids

When I say I don’t have time for your idiot questions, I don’t have time, fuck off

Don’t call or email me when I buy a new phone, change my plan, check out of your hotel, buy groceries, fill up the car, change a frigging light bulb!

And stop paying idiots with dodgy marketing degrees to come up with new buzz words du jour:

#disruptor

#influencer

#worldclass

If you have to use the hash tag #authentic then perhaps you’re not

Please join our social networking channels, which have content about as interesting as having a pap smear. Enough. There are too many places to waste time already, I’ve lost track of the names:

Opportunity

Referral Key 

DoYourHeadIn

LinkedIn

Snapchat

Tinder

eBay 

GetYourHandOffIt

How about we all go to a party down the road and argue in real time. I’ll bring a pie


 


Why I love Facebook

I recently read this ad on Farcebook:

Robin Banks – Sponsored Post
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Write a comment…

Bec Davy
Having faith in God and hope through his strength and grace and awesomeness allows u to achieve all your goals and live a life of abundance…. Service and happiness and peace
Like · Reply · 6 hrs

Stacey Donnelly
Dick head
Like · Reply · 23 October at 23:23