As 2017 is ending it is compulsory to make a list of achievements, resolutions and groceries. As a word class highly qualified inspo fitspo marketing guru and on trend innovative disruptive full of it social media influencer professional product placement specialist, I also like to make predictions on what will be hip and cool next week.
The big trends of 2018 will be:
Teens discovering original songs which are better than cover versions recorded by No One With Original Talent contestants
All you can eat pickled onions with plastic cheese will feature on TV cooking shows
Footy socks with thongs will be huge in Paris and Engadine
Jail time for anyone using the hashtags disruptor, innovator or influencer
Fabulous LGBTQIA weddings
Smug coupled up parents will learn that single mothering helps kids learn to be independent
Women in power
Brady bunch families will thrive when property prices plummet
Wearing undies in summer will be abolished due to global warming
Footy teams taking performance-enhancing drugs may win a championship
It will be illegal for teenaged Katy Perry fans to wear 80s metal T-shirts
Americans will discover that guns kill a lot of people
Researchers will find a cure for politicians
(C) Lou Pollard 2017
Dear selfie kings and queens,
Here’s a revolutionary idea for you when posting to your millions of followers on Instagram: Your posts can be edited.
Call me old fashioned but if you profess to be an expert in your field, perhaps you could proudly display that you can grasp the basic idea of stringing a sentence together?
Maybe proclaiming that youre / your / ur a thought leader then displaying a smorgasbord of unedited grammar and spelling mistakes is not ideal for your brand. If you’re claiming to help people get millions of followers perhaps it would help if you were mildly literate.
It’s bad enough when Insta ‘celebratiez’ post photos of their ugly children, but recently, on her Insta feed, well-known personal trainer MB posted the words,
All be it
I think the word she was looking for was albeit. Really. I’m going to start a heartfelt crowdfunding campaign for the poor lady, she obviously can’t afford to pay someone to proofread her life-changing posts.
Pert ladies and buff gents, you know that tweets can’t be edited (looking at you idiot President number 45) but all your other brilliant revolutionary thoughts on other social media channels can. How about you learn to use the delete button and maybe send a text to a friend who can spell so they can read your genius ideas before you pay to boost your inspo post?
I really love that your /ur / youre a lifestyle guru and new media-savvy social influencer. Honestly I do. But if you want to be a disruptor (gag) then maybe read your ‘next ‘level’ post before you hit the share button…
We hope you enjoyed your stay in our hotel. Please fill out this survey so we can judge your level of customer satisfaction and we can annoy our staff with ridiculous statistics about their performance, even though you had one conversation with them that lasted all of two minutes. These surveys will take longer to answer than your actual stay in our facility.
In a few days we’d like to call you to discuss the results of our tedious marketing logarithms.
Don’t call me when I’m feeding my kids
When I say I don’t have time for your idiot questions, I don’t have time, fuck off
Don’t call or email me when I buy a new phone, change my plan, check out of your hotel, buy groceries, fill up the car, change a frigging light bulb!
And stop paying idiots with dodgy marketing degrees to come up with new buzz words du jour:
If you have to use the hash tag #authentic then perhaps you’re not
Please join our social networking channels, which have content about as interesting as having a pap smear. Enough. There are too many places to waste time already, I’ve lost track of the names:
How about we all go to a party down the road and argue in real time. I’ll bring a pie
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Having faith in God and hope through his strength and grace and awesomeness allows u to achieve all your goals and live a life of abundance…. Service and happiness and peace
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Like · Reply · 23 October at 23:23