Apparently, on Black Friday spiritual satisfaction can be gained through sales. This morning I woke to find that I missed the weekend to give thanks, but Black Friday frenzy can be enjoyed even on Cyber Monday. I’d love to turn Monday into Friday, but beware if you are tempted to take advantage of a late offer on the Black Friday sales, think about America. Fighting, shooting, looting, one person shot dead, sounds like a fun day out spending money we don’t have on shit we don’t need to me.
Cyber Monday has a high rating on the official Australian who gives a rat’s arse-o-metre. Don’t be tempted. it’s not your last chance. Like John Farnham comeback tour tickets, you know deep in your carb-loaded core that all this stuff will be online again. Over purchasing as a religious experience landed America a buy now, pay later president. We don’t need to copy them.
The family with an obsession with K’s will also tell you repeatedly that using a credit card is a talent. It isn’t. We don’t need new pots, we buy crap to fill the gaping hole in our feelings. Finding a bargain won’t make us happy. We need to make mindless consumerism as popular as Dolce and Gabbana in Shanghai. Supermarkets don’t have a happiness aisle selling unicorns. I’ve checked.
Getting into debt is not the way to fulfillment. When we are rich in shopping bags, we become poor in mental acuity. Like a Hillsong church, rich consumerism has only lead to poor spiritualism. Your mindless purchases may include all natural, non-toxic, free shipping. But happiness is sold separately.
China’s singletons celebrate Singles Day (or ‘bare sticks’) as an alternative to Valentine’s Day on November 11 — or 11/11, the date representing all the lonely people. Being single on Valentine’s Day is a big problem in China, where there are millions more men than women because of the country’s one-child policy. Sitting on the bus with no one beside me is fun, but I’d love to celebrate being alone with other sad singles, is anyone throwing a blind date party tonight?
Dear Facebook I may not be old, single and wrinkly.
As a single mother busting my butt to promote my gigs I’ve recently become a social media whore bag. And Facebook has responded by stalking me with two kinds of ads. Ignite the flame of love again and lose some weight ye old fatty boom bah. Is Facebook trying to give me a hint? Facebook keeps filling my news feed with lots of ads that read something like this:
Try the trick that worked for this 470-year-old wrinkle free woman. Chopping off her head. Want more tips for wrinkle free skin?
Mums aged 90+ are losing all their flabby bits with this simple trick:
Melt unwanted belly fat, extra bosoms and your large arse with a fat melting tool called an iron. Ladies you can get rid of 67% of wrinkles by ironing your face. And shave off 10 years of wrinkles by shaving off your craggy old facial skin because wrinkle free is all you want as a woman.
Mums who are 75 but look 7 are losing weight and losing their brain cells and muscle tone by the minute. Maybe I can add to my single mother’s pension by selling these attractive supplements?
Can you drop six dress sizes in a week? I can drop four dresses of different sizes at Vinnie’s in about five minutes.
Maybe I’ve already lost 47kg in six weeks. Maybe I’m really toned, tanned and terrific. Did you even think about that Facebook robot people? Maybe I’ve already found the secrets to a hot bod.
When I’m not being told I’m old and ugly Facebook are helping me to find my soul mate or trying to help me keep my one true love.
How to make your guy really love you, you can become hopeless and irresistible around Alpha males reads their latest ad.
I’m so excited. I will find a Facebook consultant (yes they exist) to help me and very soon I’ll be pretty and skinny and wrinkle free with the love of my life.
All this at the same time as emails proclaiming FREE ACCESS TO LOCAL SLUTS arrive in my inbox every day. I read one of these emails and as a very single mother I was disappointed to see that my name was not on their list of local slappers.
Hopefully my next social media highlight will be some nasty Twitter trolls calling me a filthy old tart.