You want me to buy what?

Dear Facebook I may not be old, single and wrinkly.

As a single mother busting my butt to promote my gigs I’ve recently become a social media whore bag. And Facebook has responded by stalking me with two kinds of ads. Ignite the flame of love again and lose some weight ye old fatty boom bah. Is Facebook trying to give me a hint? Facebook keeps filling my news feed with lots of ads that read something like this:

Try the trick that worked for this 470-year-old wrinkle free woman. Chopping off her head. Want more tips for wrinkle free skin?

Mums aged 90+ are losing all their flabby bits with this simple trick:
Amputation

Melt unwanted belly fat, extra bosoms and your large arse with a fat melting tool called an iron. Ladies you can get rid of 67% of wrinkles by ironing your face. And shave off 10 years of wrinkles by shaving off your craggy old facial skin because wrinkle free is all you want as a woman.

Mums who are 75 but look 7 are losing weight and losing their brain cells and muscle tone by the minute. Maybe I can add to my single mother’s pension by selling these attractive supplements?

Can you drop six dress sizes in a week? I can drop four dresses of different sizes at Vinnie’s in about five minutes.

Maybe I’ve already lost 47kg in six weeks. Maybe I’m really toned, tanned and terrific. Did you even think about that Facebook robot people? Maybe I’ve already found the secrets to a hot bod.

When I’m not being told I’m old and ugly Facebook are helping me to find my soul mate or trying to help me keep my one true love.

How to make your guy really love you, you can become hopeless and irresistible around Alpha males reads their latest ad.

I’m so excited. I will find a Facebook consultant (yes they exist) to help me and very soon I’ll be pretty and skinny and wrinkle free with the love of my life.

All this at the same time as emails proclaiming FREE ACCESS TO LOCAL SLUTS arrive in my inbox every day. I read one of these emails and as a very single mother I was disappointed to see that my name was not on their list of local slappers.

Hopefully my next social media highlight will be some nasty Twitter trolls calling me a filthy old tart.


4 Comments on “You want me to buy what?”

  1. So, so funny. I, too receive countless anti-ageing, weight-loss and find-a-mate ads. For weeks the wrinkle ad was a different “48-year-old mum”. Now they are all 54. Maybe the product doesn’t work so well anymore?

  2. loupollard says:

    Thanks Sasha, the products seem to be losing their potency

  3. ophelia says:

    I get miracle fruits for melting fat ads, I’ve given up on marking them as inappropriate. Having minded my toddler for five weeks without my husband I’ve realised that single parent = superhero, so why aren’t they sending you monogrammed lycra adverts?

    • loupollard says:

      I know, lycra is probably not the ideal fabric for me though now I’m over 40, but I’d like a monogrammed bathrobe at least Miss Ophelia! Traditionally, single mothers don’t have money so we’re probably not the people marketers are after


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