You are 18.
I didn’t leave you at the supermarket or lose you at the beach; you didn’t bolt so far that I didn’t track you down eventually.
When you became a teenager you sprayed enough deodorant to kill an elephant and when I complained you replied,
“What does it smell like?”
“Like a teenage boy trying to hide odours in their room.”
“That’s exactly what I want to smell like mum.”
What a force of nature you are cyclone Arch. In the womb you kicked the shit out of my ribs. You couldn’t wait to get out. Now you enjoy staying in bed.
A few months ago when you screamed late at night, I said,
“Did you have to do that?”
And you said,
“Did I scare you mum?”
“Your whole life.” We laughed.
I raised my baby to adulthood.
Happy 18th birthday my Menace. I’m glad the pill didn’t work
A is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood
B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy
B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit
C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?
D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard
E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays
F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father
G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father
H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children
I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days
J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids
K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children
L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy
M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.
N is for No money until pay day
O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?
P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious
Q is for Queen of budgeting
R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time
S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother
S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint
T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices
U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on
V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers
W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night
W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron
X is for Exhausted, permanently
Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?
Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner
Just when I think single motherhood is too crazy and I want to take them back to the pet shop to get a refund, I get this card from my 7 year old:
My mummy is so nice unique and pretty
Mummy I love you
Mummy I never want you to go away
You are the best mummy in the world
I did not pay her to do this. In the stressed out, overworked world of single motherhood we sometimes forget about the joy of mothering and that all the little tedious tasks of being a mother on your own add up to a lifetime of love and care for your children. So I’d like to pay tribute to all the solo mothers I’ve met, you inspire me with your hard work, dedication and devoted love. You are all yummy mummies.
I am a member of an association I didn’t want to join. A card carrying crazy haired mummy in tracksuit pants, wearing bare feet, I am doing single motherhood the feral way. According to studies, single motherhood is not a pathway to physical nor mental wellness, more like emotional chaos.
My family was way ahead of the trend when it comes to single mothering. My paternal grandmother and my maternal great grandmother were both single mothers way before it became fashionable. When I am exhausted I think of my dad’s mother raising two children on her own in the 1930s and 40s, a time when single parenting was not chic. She couldn’t open a bank account nor get a loan because she had no husband.
My mission is to share the joys of single parenting. I don’t mind being single, it’s the single parenting I struggle with. My friends tell me I should be looking for the next man I’m going to break up with, but right now I think it is
Better to be alone than in bad company
I don’t want to be a single mum cougar, ogling young men on a Saturday night. Young men who are emotionally living on another planet. And their taste in music is appalling. I don’t want a grandpa either, I’m not that desperate.
But I’m sure I’m not the only single smother who behaves like a debauched old tart when the children stay at their father’s girlfiend’s place.
I don’t like to bash men on my blog, just tenderise them…
According to Freud it’s the role of the mother to mess with the child’s psyche and I’ve been doing my share. So today I have a prayer that mothers can keep our sanity and sense of humour while parenting.
Today I got homemade craft for Mother’s Day and cards that read I love yu, you’re the bestest moummy in the hole world. Mother’s Day is well timed. Usually by May most mothers I know have had enough of child rearing thus Mother’s Day is planned so we don’t give up mothering and take the little blighters back to the pet shop.
May your day be filled with kisses.
May you go to the toilet in peace
May your day be a tantrum-free zone
And may Santa, The Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy take away the whinge-gene your children inherited from their father.
A PRAYER FOR SINGLE MOTHERS
May the dead beat dad finally give you some cash.
May your ex’s white trash girlfriend treat your kids well.
And may the Child Support Agency catch up with those who are avoiding their maintenance payments.