Single Mother lexicon

A is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood

B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy

B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit

C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?

D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard

E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays

F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father

G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father

H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children

I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days

J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids

K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children

L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy

M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.

N is for No money until pay day

O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?

P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious

Q is for Queen of budgeting

R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time

S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother

S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint

T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices

U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on

V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers

W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night

W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron

X is for Exhausted, permanently

Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?

Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner


The Prophet – Single Mother translation

In his epic poem, The Prophet, Khalil Gibran summed up beautifully what is special in this life.

Children.

“a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “speak to us of children,” and he said:

Your children are not your children.

You’ve just leased them until they are 18 on a ridiculously expensive payment plan

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

Well, actually Khalil I created them in my body, as a man you may not get the enormity of that concept. And as I recall they ripped right through me.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

Especially when they are online chatting with their friends

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

Except when they haven’t done any homework or housework or don’t text you when they said they would, then you can give them a few choice thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

They surely do, especially the 14 year old girls

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

Even when their bodies are dressed like white trash bimbo pole dancers

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

Except when they are selling their souls to Facebook and tumblr and you are paying for the internet access. Then you can get your friends to spy on their blogs.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Note to Lou: please don’t dress like your 15 year old daughter, you will look like mutton dressed as mutton. And teenage daughter will not borrow my ruched bright 1980s clothing.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

There is nothing you can do about breeding with someone who is located very far down the food chain, so don’t waste time regretting it.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

So your scrubbing, washing and bending over backwards will go unnoticed by everyone except your girlfriends who understand the toil and the sacrifices of single motherhood.

For even as he loves the arrow that flies,

So I teach my children that love flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana

so he loves also the bow that is stable.

All mothers must be stable according to Khalil. No drunken party animals need apply. That means I’m out of a job then.