Seven signs you’re a single mother

1) Your flat mates keep asking you to drive them to school

2) You have 50 cents in your wallet

3) Your kids have eaten three kilos of fruit before you’ve even left the supermarket fruit and veg section

4) You don’t have a husband

5) Every item in your wardrobe is made of cougar, puma or leopard print fabric

6) Your kids’ most oft used sentence is, “Mum is your job cash in hand?”

7) Your youngest child says, “This would be a good dress for you to catch a husband in,” only in crowded shops

Just me?


Single mother ethical dilemmas

Is borrowing herbs and vegies from your neighbour’s garden to feed your kids helping your neighbour harvest?

Is going out with a friend’s ex a step too far, or simply husband recycling?

Is dressing like a dishevelled, slutty cougar a fashion felony or merely community service? It pays to advertise after all.

Is leaving your fighting children in the car at the shopping centre for 15 minutes while you dash into the shops wrong or the best thing to stop you shouting at them?

Is turning a blind eye in the supermarket fruit and veg section while your children gobble up the grapes and berries considered stealing or simply an affordable way to help your kids eat their five serves a day?

Will your toddler turn into a delinquent if you let them carry out their own eat what you find Easter egg hunt in your local shop 10 minutes before closing time on Easter Saturday? Or only if your child catches you hiding the foil wrappers from the security cameras?

Teenagers are expensive and cat food is cheap. Is telling your children that you make a ‘special meatloaf’ wrong?

Is it a crime to send your obviously underage 16 year old to the local RSL to win the meat tray raffle even though the slab of dead animal will feed your family for a week?


Single Mother lexicon

A is for Attitude. You’ll develop it after years of single motherhood

B is for Breeder’s regret, as in I picked him to be the father of kids? What was I thinking? Breed with a man not a boy

B is also for Bribery, a helpful device in the single mother tool kit

C is for Can I share custody with this man in five years time?

D is for Don’t know how you do it, translation: I don’t want your life, it looks too hard

E is for End of summer, a day celebrated by single mothers whenever children go back to school after months of holidays

F is for Frustration, i.e. speaking to any government department about collecting money for your kids from your children’s father

G is for Glamorous, what single mothers become when their offspring visit their father

H is for Halloween, lots of free lollies for your deprived children

I is for I’m a single mother this week, what coupled up ladies say when their partner is away for more than two days

J is for “Just wait ’til you become a mother.” Frequently said by single mums to their kids

K is for Know It All Children AKA other people’s children

L is for Long ago and far away I used to be young, free and sassy

M is for Mothering Monday, the second Monday in May. Easily the best day to receive bargain flowers, soap and sympathy. Boxes of sweet fancies go cheap on this day.

N is for No money until pay day

O is for Oh My God, tinned spaghetti again?

P is for Perfect families, fictitious people who make children of single mothers envious

Q is for Queen of budgeting

R is for Red Cordial, what you give your kids when they’re going to meet your ex’s new girlfriend for the first time

S is for Sanity, what you lose when you become a single mother

S is also for Schooligan
The little rat in your kid’s class with parents who insist their child is a saint

T is for Teens, the beasts your kids turn into before they become lovely adults who thank you for your sacrifices

U is for Unbelievable, the amount politicians think you can live on

V is for Vinnies, the clothing boutique of choice for most single mothers

W is for Wild side, staying up past 10pm on a school night

W is also for Would, as in I would talk to my ex but I don’t speak moron

X is for Exhausted, permanently

Y is for Y did I choose to live like this?

Z is for Zone Out: what single mums do when married breeders talk about their cleaner