As it is Friday the 13th, please children don’t let your single mothers
Catch a bus
Feed a black pussy cat
Climb a tree
Open the fridge
Break a mirror
Make a bed
Log out of Tinder
Leave the couch
Walk under a ladder
Or stop dancing
Because it is very, very unlucky
1) Your flat mates keep asking you to drive them to school
2) You have 50 cents in your wallet
3) Your kids have eaten three kilos of fruit before you’ve even left the supermarket fruit and veg section
4) You don’t have a husband
5) Every item in your wardrobe is made of cougar, puma or leopard print fabric
6) Your kids’ most oft used sentence is, “Mum is your job cash in hand?”
7) Your youngest child says, “This would be a good dress for you to catch a husband in,” only in crowded shops
ARE YOU MY HUSBAND?
A single mother left her babies in the nest with a teenager in charge. The kids screamed so the mother left in a hurry.
“Damn,” said the mother. “I’d like to find a husband. I’ll be back.”
So away she went, a long way from the deep dark suburbs.
She did not know what her husband looked like. He might have walked right by her. She did not see him.
Where is my husband?
She looked at the golf course. She saw a sporty young man in a golf buggy. Are you my husband?
The young man just stared at her like she was deranged.
The sporty man was not her husband so she walked on.
Then she came to a pub. She saw a pot bellied drunk at the bar.
“Are you my husband?” She said to the man.
“Me wife kicked me out, I could be your hubby,” he said.
“No, you are a yobbo, you are not my husband.
The pot-bellied drunk was not her husband. The young sporty man was not her husband. Where is my husband?
She came to a strip club. She saw a man who looked sharper than a rat with a gold tooth sitting in a booth.
“Are you my husband?’ she said to the man.
“I could be your husband tonight baby, “ said the man.
“No, you are not my husband, you are a player,” she said.
She looked on the Internet. She found a man whose photo was 20 years old.
“How could you be my husband?” He replied. “I am gorgeous and you are an old cougar.”
“Where is my husband? Where could he be? I will have a husband, I will, I know I will find him”
The single mummy ran, she saw a road worker showing his bum crack. No! He was not her husband. She ran on and on.
She called to a good-looking older man, but he did not stop, he went right on.
The mummy walked on and on. “Where am I?” said the mummy, “I want to go home.”
So the single mummy went home and when she got to her front gate, the mummy saw a cute man visiting her neighbours.
“There he is, there is my husband!” she said.
“Do you know who I am?” said the cute man.
‘Yes, you are not a yobbo, you are not a player, you are not too young for me, you are not too old for me, you are not too good looking, you are cute and you are my husband.”
And they lived happily ever after in separate houses keeping their five children from three different marriages at arm’s length.
My eight year old’s teacher asked her where she would like to go on a class excursion. My daughter replied, “Dan Murphy’s*, that’s where Mummy would like to go.”
I was planning my 16 year old’s birthday party. She said, “Mum I don’t want any drugs at my party.” She could tell I was very disappointed, I didn’t know how to tell my friends they can’t come to her party.
I went to pick up my youngest child from a craft workshop. The teacher said, “We worked with coloured paper this afternoon and your daughter coloured in a piece of white paper with a bright green texta, cut it up into little pieces, put it in a bowl, then rolled the pieces into a long tube of white paper and pretended to smoke it. Where did she learn to do that?”
Later that night she said to me, “What’s a ghetto Mama?” Before I had a chance to answer she said, “Is a ghetto somewhere mamas go when dads have hurt their babies?”
*A well known bottle shop/off license chain in Australia
Is borrowing herbs and vegies from your neighbour’s garden to feed your kids helping your neighbour harvest?
Is going out with a friend’s ex a step too far, or simply husband recycling?
Is dressing like a dishevelled, slutty cougar a fashion felony or merely community service? It pays to advertise after all.
Is leaving your fighting children in the car at the shopping centre for 15 minutes while you dash into the shops wrong or the best thing to stop you shouting at them?
Is turning a blind eye in the supermarket fruit and veg section while your children gobble up the grapes and berries considered stealing or simply an affordable way to help your kids eat their five serves a day?
Will your toddler turn into a delinquent if you let them carry out their own eat what you find Easter egg hunt in your local shop 10 minutes before closing time on Easter Saturday? Or only if your child catches you hiding the foil wrappers from the security cameras?
Teenagers are expensive and cat food is cheap. Is telling your children that you make a ‘special meatloaf’ wrong?
Is it a crime to send your obviously underage 16 year old to the local RSL to win the meat tray raffle even though the slab of dead animal will feed your family for a week?