Aussie Code of Conduct

Apparently the English cricket team and the Indonesian President are calling for a code of conduct for all future dealings with Australian cricketers and politicians. I think this is a great idea for anyone who has to deal with us Oztraylians, so here it is, The Official Aussie Code of Cultural Conduct:

1. One must learn to speak Australian, consonants are optional. Oztraylian is our national language, by order of Ken Oath

2. One must learn to eat like an Australian, we’re partial to a bit of goanna on the barbie in the arvo, so rip into it cobber

3. Saying ‘one must’ is very unAustralian, it sounds like you’re an up yourself Pommy bastard. Try not to sound like you learnt your English from the BBC.

4. Apart from the first Australians, we all came here by boat, so any visitors must wear a boater (even if you flew in) and we will call you a ‘boatie’

5. We have a rich oral tradition, sledging is very fashionable in Australia. If you want to fit in, call your new Aussie acquaintance a wanker or a bastard, it is a term of endearment. We also throw the C word around to describe our friends. If you’re gay you can call a friend a faggot, and I’ll answer with a smile if my girlfriends call me an old tart

6. Respecting our language means abbreviating everything, barbeque is barbie, afternoon is arvo, Anthony John Abbott is shortened to utter tool

7. Respecting Aussie culture means giving thanks to the first peoples of this land who have a rich history. The posh parts of Australia like Sydney that were developed by the whities are a little different to your country, but they are filled with kultcha. We have historical buildings that are 10 or 15 years old

8. Spying is a part of the Australian national ethos. We have bloody big backyards and if we didn’t spy we wouldn’t know when we could drop in on our neighbours to use their pool and have a free feed

9. Many Australians get pissed (it is practically compulsory) and say things we regret the next morning, and we often forget the time difference between our sunburnt land and other countries, so please forgive us for our big mouths and time delay. Drinking on an empty head and spinning a yarn in the hot sun was passed down by our fore fathers and mothers.

10. Our only truly national sports are naked backyard cricket mixed with drinking competitions. We would be honoured to compete against your country


What’s In A Name?

Ripper bewdy, it’s official, the fresh prince of Kensington Palace, little George Robbo Stevo Brian Thommo Hyphen Double Barrelled Windsor has been named. He may well become a pants man. The name George has hints of suave, George Clooney and George Hamilton come to mind. Georgie Porgie kissed the girls and made them cry.

What’s in a name? that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” said William Shakespeare. Call me superficial but like the British TV presenter who didn’t want her kids playing with children who had Bogan-sounding monikers, names tell me a lot. When I was nine years old I found a Kelpie cross stray on our street and I talked my mum into letting me keep him. My eldest brother was a big fan of The Aunty Jack Show at the time so we decided to call our pooch Kevin, or Kev Kavanagh Kelpie to give him his full name. Our family used our dog to gauge someone’s sense of humour, if they chuckled at our dog’s name we knew we’d get on well with our new friend. Kevin the Kelpie was not so judgemental, he only had a problem with men who jogged in shorts. He would snarl and bark and go crazy apeshit mental. I have the same reaction when I hear pretentious names.

Our current Prime Minister is called Kevin, and apart from boning Jules, our first female Prime Minister I don’t think I can vote for a man called Kevin. I think my Kelpie would have barked at Kevin Rudd. But he would have snarled at Tony Abbott’s budgie smugglers too. Bring on our next female Prime Minister, I hope her name isn’t Kylie.