Pretendo

A woman said to me at a party recently, “You really have to get it right when you’re picking the husband who is going to be the father of your children.” I wanted to punch her in the face and say, ‘thanks so much for reminding me that I’m a really bad picker. That’s why I went out of my way to choose someone who refuses to support his children.”

I’m such a bad picker it is best that I only have imaginary boyfriends. Last night as I reheated old beans for dinner, I said to I-mag boyfriend, ‘where are you when I need you?’ My fantasy boyfriend makes the bed, buys me expensive restaurant meals, takes out the garbage and doesn’t mind that I am a professional fool.

Maybe us old feminist gals don’t have time for in-real-life boyfriends. How can we plan the revolution when we’re busy whispering sweet nothings into someone’s hairy ear? Luckily social media saved me from my mad late night musings and I didn’t have to be depressed and alone for too long. Another new boyfriend sent me a Facebook message at midnight which just about saved my life:

Hello,I’m Justin jack ,an Engineer live in England a divorcee.Your profile caught my attention! You look so cute and charming, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.I want to learn more about you.I wait for your response.

Oh yippee!

TLC – No Scrubs


The husband list

My male friends think that writing a list to help one look for a mate is too controlling; us women with a history of terrible relationships realise it is vital. My husband list looks like this:

First husband

I was way too young when I married a sweet Englishman.

Second husband

The father of my three beautiful kids…

Third husband

My next husband will audition in front of panel of my bitchiest girlfriends because I haven’t a clue how to pick a long term mate. Only the best applicants will be granted a second interview. These are the qualities I want my third husband to possess:

1. Puts my kids on a pedestal.

2.Faithful (not likely but no harm in wishful thinking)

3.Generous

4.Intelligent

5.Sexy

6. Puts my kids on a pedestal.
7.Well-read

8.Committed heterosexual, no swingers, no ‘open marriage’ fans, no “I might help out during Mardi Gras” types.* (see footnote)

9.Emotionally stable. (Now I am kidding myself.)

10.Finds me irresistible at all times of day and night

11.Does household chores without having to be asked

12. Not residing in the ‘Big House’ making new friends

13. Puts my kids on a pedestal

14. Has a stable income

15. Has worked on his own baggage and knows I have my own baggage that I’m dealing with too

I will have to manufacture him in a laboratory.

Single ladies, please tell me if you have a list. What’s on it?

*I am talking about the Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras in Sydney which is the most fabulous parade and party in the world, ever. My sister in law and I have a saying,

“He’s not gay, but he may help out our gay brothers if they have a rush OR he’ll help out if they’re busy during Mardi Gras.