It’s my 29th birthday and I don’t look a day over 45. I’ve had lots of messages from 100 imaginary friends on social media, nothing from my family and my kids punched each other over breakfast.
It’s also International Talk like A Pirate Day and I want to scream, “ARRRRR, FORKEN, FORKEN, FORKEN, ARRRRRRRR.”
Tony Abbott may have gone (early birthday present), but it seems that a 1950s Catholic committee are still running the asylum that Australia has become. Anti single mothers, anti-women achieving anything other than housework, pro-coal mining, big business destroying the environment, I can’t wait to get rid of these philistines. This lot couldn’t run a piss-up in a brewery.
Malcolm Turnbull needs to appoint 10 single mothers to his cabinet, then he’ll achieve something. Single mothers work quickly to get everything done before we have to dash to pick up kids, then home to make dinner. If Joe Hockey needs to find money for the budget, hiring single mothers would mean a budget cut of about 40%, we work cheaply.
Really all I want for my birthday is a new order. Two years of the fascist boys club running our country and Australia has become the laughing stock of the world. Sigh.
1. You hear the words ‘insufficient funds’ on a daily basis and it doesn’t freak you out; and the words ‘transaction approved’ make you jump for joy
2. The word you use most when talking to your girlfriends is ‘overwhelmed’
3. Parenting is all about selling options to your child. Single parenting is begging for the sale for your sanity
4. After wondering why your shopping seems a bit cheaper than usual, your day is made when you get home and discover the checkout person hasn’t swiped five of your most expensive grocery items
5. You lie awake at 3am wondering if you should go back to the shop so you don’t get charged with shoplifting. The thought that your children only have one parent weighs heavily on your mind
6. If your children go to their father’s every second weekend, your house is clean 26 times per year
7. Your children develop a sudden fondness for whichever fruit costs $28 per kilo (because it has to be airlifted from Belize) and be invited to four different children’s dress up parties around the time that your hours at work get cut back
8. Disneyland Dad suddenly has money for fancy restaurants with his new girlfriend while you struggle to find ‘imaginative’ recipes in the ‘700 Ways With Baked Beans cook book for dinner every night
9. The words tax refund cause you the same excitement as the words ‘Saturday night and it’s time to partay, get your disco boots on’ did a few short years ago
10. You have to be physically restrained from strangling your 20 something male stoner neighbour when he tells you he’s exhausted because he woke up early to get a surf in before he took his girlfriend out for a late brunch