At the end of 2015, I had a lot of goals for 2016:
More corporate tax paid
Less foreign aid cuts
More cake eating
Less Michelle Bridges
More real people
Less Insta famous twats
As we approach a new season, I thought I’d update my 2016 resolutions. Losing weight and being more productive are so 2012. Why not try these achievable ideas instead?
Raise my cholesterol
Stare into space, at least three times a day
Say ‘I’ll do this later ‘ more frequently
Spend more time on social media looking at photos of strangers doing things I want to do
Be more envious of others (see above)
Remove kale, coconut and slow pressed juices from my home
Wait for something to happen
I feel better already
Attention / From The Zenith Bank of Nigeria
On behalf of the entire staff of the Zenith Bank of Nigeria and the Office of the president of Nigeria in collaboration with IMF and EU Office. We apologize for the delay of your contract payment, and all the inconveniences you encountered while pursuing this payment. However, from the records of outstanding due payment with the Zenith Bank of Nigeria, your name was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding beneficiary who have not yet received their payments.
I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in square hole and your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter via ATM card means of payment. so if you like to receive your fund this way, please let us know by contacting Mr. Bell Victor, and also re-confirm to him the following information’s in order to proceed immediately:
Your Full Name: ______________________________
Your Contact House Address: ______________________
Name of City of Residence:_______________________________
Direct Telephone Number:________________________
Working Identity Card/Int’l Passport:________________________________
However, kindly find below the contact person:
Mr. Bell Victor
A Director of the Zenith Bank Nigeria by profession
Note that from the record in the file, your outstanding payment is US$5,500,000.00 (Five Million five hundred United States Dollars). And the Zenith Bank of Nigeria has been mandated to issue out the sum of US$5,500,000.00 to you as part payment for this fiscal year 2014 as soon as you comply by re-confirming to Mr. Bell Victor the above mentioned details, and also your ATM card will be deliver to you immediately via courier company means of delivery without any holdup.
Finally, we want you to have in mind that because of impostors, we hereby issued you our code of Conduct, which is (ATMPC 6734) so you have to indicate this code when contacting the card center by using it as your subject.
Mr. Bell Victor
Director of the Zenith Bank Nigeria
So, the drinks are on me, my money will come through very shortly. I AM SURE. I also sent him my shoe size, the names of my childhood pets and my grandmother’s maiden name to GUARANTEE I get the money. Lucky me, I’ve won the single mother lottery, the square peg is now in square hole, and they’ve got a code of conduct.