We got married in a fever

Being the true romantic single lady that I am, it came to my attention that February 14 was a really bad day for a lot of mature people who are only five cats away from a sad and lonely life. The last time I gave a Valentine’s card was back in the late 70s when I ran to the house of a beautiful blonde boy I had a crush on to deliver my card featuring my carefully disguised handwriting. After I dropped my love note in his letterbox I set a personal best time running home from his house so he wouldn’t know it was me who’d sent him a declaration of undying love (that lasted about 3 weeks).

Apparently condom manufacturers love Valentine’s Day but for those of us who would like to forget this commercial celebration of romance, please remember that some highly successful marriages commenced today, including Elton John and Renate Blauel, Meg Ryan and Dennis Quaid and Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee.


Bang Bang

Happy Valentine’s Day


These boots aren’t made for walking

I went out dancing with a bunch of wild gay men. It was a night of jazz hands, time steps, kick ball change, Solid Gold poses and lots of throwing each other in the air (almost). I got home at five in the morning with a…throbbing pain in my knee. Maybe I’m too old to dance all night in high heels. But I thought, ‘I’ll get acupuncture, that’ll fix it.’

I love my acupuncturist. He has seen me through many traumas. He can tell when my monkey mind needs to be quiet. I turn up stressed and carrying on, lie down on the table and he sticks a needle right into the cranky part of my forehead. Some people call it the third eye. Acupuncture is great for emotional dramas too. Ladies, the best way to get over a needle-phobic man is to have acupuncture. So I’ve started going every week. But at my last appointment Mr Acupuncture looked at my Mexican cowboy boots and shook his head. He said my boots are hurting my feet and my spine. So apparently my boots aren’t made for walking…


Spring has sprung something stupid

Today is the first day of spring down under. My garden is yawning and waking up. The gardenias will be in bloom soon, filling my house with their divine aroma. Spring is the time to breed like rabbits, spring clean and turn over a new leaf. The days will get longer and warmer and mating season begins. But we must hurry, there are only 115 shoplifting days until Christmas.