Single mother fruit cake

Christmas Dessert Ingredients:

Packaged, dried, past it’s best fruit from cheapo supermarket

Icing sugar


Lemons to taste

Eggs close to use by date

Flour sifted for weevils

Valium (quantity as required)

AC/DC on loud

5 kilos of family arguments regarding timing of food serving

7 phone calls from mother with dementia about how she will be forgotten at Xmas

Orphans popping in with their relatives who you can’t stand

Mix all ingredients, leave to rot and go to the nearest pub on Christmas Eve