I have a bone to pick…

Recently I had surgery (not plastic) requiring a general anaesthetic and one morning I woke up with aches and pains. My doctor wasn’t available so I rang my local hospital emergency department and I was put through to a woman who said,

“We can’t really give advice over the phone so you can come in or see your doctor, or I can put you through to the medical advice line. Which would you like?”

I said to her, “What is the medical advice line, is that recorded information, or do I speak to a doctor?”

And she said, “I don’t know, I’ve never rung them.”

I said, “What?” and she repeated, “I don’t know, I haven’t spoken to them.”

Lady, you’re working in customer service at a major hospital, perhaps with sick and vulnerable customers; surely it would be helpful if you knew some details about the advice line?

“What do you want?”

I was so furious I hung up on her. I couldn’t believe she would say that to someone so obviously seeking help. I was in pain but lucid and close to the hospital, what if someone who is very distressed rings her and she says that?

When I calmed down I rang back and spoke to a different operator who put me straight through to a Health Direct registered nurse. We spoke for 14 minutes, she opened a file, gave me great advice and took all my details.

Why was the first one allowed anywhere near the phone? What annoys me most is that she was as clueless as Tony Robbins when talking about the MeToo movement.

Who do I complain to? There is probably only one poor woman answering the phones because her colleagues have been made redundant, and clueless lady was probably just an executive with no real hospital experience who happened to be walking past a ringing phone at the time. Do I call an ombudsman? The hospital chief executive? The local paper? Or just whinge about it on social media?

If I was paranoid I’d think the state government were trying to run our health care system into the ground, strip our services to bare bones, so idiot pollies can privatise our hospitals. Where can we find politicians with vision? The ones we’ve got are spineless. I wish I could say it is going tibia okay.


I’m full of it

The world has gone to hell. There’s a mad man in the White House threatening war, unChristians attacking the gay community with lies and bombers killing and injuring young people all over Europe.
Meanwhile crazy breeders like me are still bringing kids into the world and hoping they’ll be able to breathe clean air when they have children. I’m too selfish to be a grandmother, but I’ve got so much great advice for new mothers I can hardly keep it to myself; on the bus, at supermarkets or the park, parents of young children love me handing out my wisdom.
Here is my latest, state of the art, world-class, incredible, inspirational, never before thought of hints for new parents who really need all the self-help they can find:

  1. An immaculate house is the sign of a wasted life, think of all those Youtube clips you could be perving at instead.
  2. Road kill is best barbecued
  3. Childen can amuse themselves
  4. Refrain from smoking over your baby
  5. Be civil to your children’s teachers, they are making you look like a good parent
  6. Allow rich relatives to send you large, tax-deductible charity donations
  7. Find suitable children for your kid to play with, i.e. imaginary friends
  8. Stop talking to your child lest they inherit your neuroses
  9. Write lots of #inspo #fitspo TO DO lists
  10. Ensure you live at least 500 kilometres away from monster in law, unless she will clean your house, not brag about it, nor tell her mummy’s boy son you’re a slob

I could write a book. Here’s my I can’t believe I haven’t got millions of followers guru face:


 

 


Trust me on the sunscreen

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn’t

Erica Jong, How to Save Your Own Life, 1977