Duck off 2017

As I prepare to be disappointed by New Year’s Eve celebrations and charge my teen’s phone so I can nag her home at some ungodly hour, I say good riddance to 2017. What a bastard of a year.

There were many lowlights of the numpty kind:

Nivea white purity ad campaign
Orange moron in the White House
Spaghetti donuts
Potato Dutton spending billions on locking asylum seekers up on Manus & Nauru

Text messages auto-correcting to duck

Vegetable yoghurts

Abetz, Bernardi, Blot, Abbott, Kenny, Not Devine, Credlin

Ads featuring Kendall Jenner
Chicken flavoured prosecco

Fine artists Mary Tyler Moore, Sam Shepard, Malcolm Young, David Cassidy, Chuck Berry, John Hurt and Tom Petty left our world

More white male shooters became killers in the US

Too many beautiful souls died of brain cancer

But there were also many heroes of 2017:
Magda Szubanski

Jacinda Ardern
Father Bob
Father Rod

Larissa Waters breast fed her baby in parliament

Victorians elected the first-ever female indigenous MP, Lidia Thorpe

Kon from the ASRC
Mums 4 Refugees

A people-powered movement stopped Adani’s $1Billion loan

Same Sex marriage finally became law
War on Waste campaign

Women’s Marches across the world

The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse ended; brave souls who’ve endured so much can hopefully begin to heal and churches will be forced to offer compensation

J.K. Rowling

Angela Merkel

Penny Wong

Lee Lin Chin

I graduated from primary school after 15 years

#MeToo ladies

Weinstein and other predators were named and shamed

Political leaders of the resistance

2018 is the year of the Earth Dog. According to Chinese astrologers, dogs sniff out the truth, corruption is exposed and the underdog is championed. Happy joyous New Year, may the dogs of 2018 pee on the legs of mansplainers, bring us a break from the political insanity, and bless us with more women in power, especially needed by those of us with a vagina.

They don’t make ’em like they used to

I was listening to a classic hits station in the car as I drove my teenage daughter to a party, and she said she’d only just noticed how dodgy the lyrics were to a lot of the old songs, i.e. classic songs from the glory days of my youth (1970s and 80s). My list of feminist anthems from that time include:

Are You Old Enough? by Dragon – the lyrics include
I just wanted to kiss someone
I got the moondog blues
You just happened to be standing there
So won’t you tell me, won’t you tell me the truth?
Are you old enough? Are you old enough?

When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman by Dr Hook
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman
You watch her eyes
When you’re in love with a beautiful woman
You look for lies

And Mick Jagger, that champion of mothers with newborns, wrote these lyrics for Some Girls:

Some girls give me children
I never asked them for
Black girls just wanna get fucked all night
I just don’t have that much jam

Another classic, sung by Tom Jones, has the male lover stab his girlfriend to death because she cheated on him. He couldn’t help himself. Poor man.

Why, why, why, Delilah
I could see that girl was no good for me
But I was lost like a slave that no man could free
At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting
I cross the street to her house and she opened the door
She stood there laughing
I felt the knife in my hand and she laughed no more
My, my, my Delilah
Why, why, why Delilah
So before they come to break down the door
Forgive me Delilah I just couldn’t take any more

I’m sure there’s more

Girl Power

On International Women’s Day I’m thinking that I’d love to be Emmeline Pankhurst in pearls fighting for equality for all women but I’m a little bit busy hanging out the washing and bringing home the bacon to feed three hungry mouths. So I’d like to say thank you to the ladies who are childless for maintaining the revolution so this mother of three daughters can raise them knowing that the sisterhood is striving to make our world fair. Whether you chose not to be a breeder, or you had the choice taken from you by fate or circumstance, I’m grateful for the work you’re doing. I believe childless women are desperately needed to fight for equality by us sleep deprived mothers who’ve temporarily lost our brain power because we’re helping finish homework. Thank you for organising the petitions, running the rallies, writing the articles, alerting me to them on Twitter and for keeping watch while this mother bakes. Sisters I will join you at the barricades as soon as I can find a cheap babysitter.

“Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid…”

High and low lights 2013

What an insane year this has been, challenging, difficult, fabulous at times. Lots of kooky things happened in 2013. Apparently astrologically this can be blamed on something up Uranus

In February I lost my lovely friend (my favourite mother in law) and my children lost their favourite grandma in a terrible accident. She was a feisty feminist warrior, an artist and activist and we miss her

I took my munchkins overseas for the first time all together on a family holiday to visit my big brother and we loved it. We had a magical time; boat rides, 1000s of fish, gigantic snails, night markets, turtles, puffer fish, swimming, strange smells, diving, making new friends, eating fabulous Thai food and meeting the marvellous Sister Joan at Presentation Slums Mission in Bangkok. Life is about being with the people you love and telling them how special they are to you

I swam with fish in the Andaman Sea

I kissed a boy and I liked it

When I was MC for North Shore Relay for Life in March I took a bunch of local school kids up to the RNS Hospital cancer ward to sing for the adult patients. So beautiful and so sad. The questions from the kids in the lift on the way down were heartbreaking

I spent the winter writing comedy and workshopping my stuff with the fabulous Ciel. Then in September I had a fantastic time performing in three shows for the Sydney Fringe Festival including a show with my daughters and my solo stand up comedy show

I visited Tasmania for the first time and made great new friends and had a fabulous visit with an old friend. And I went to MONA in Hobart, what an art collection

I spent four days of madness and laughter with my Clown Doctor sisters and brothers and we giggled, played, danced and cheered each other up muchly

Australians got distracted by Twitter and stupid reality TV shows and forgot to hold their political leaders to account on environmental policies. Oops, there goes the Great Barrier Reef and our pristine wilderness

The entertaining children’s author Deborah Abela came to my daughters’ school and ignited a passion for reading in my youngest child. Thank you Deborah

My girls marched closer to adulthood as I learned to let go

The music of One Direction invaded my house like a wrecking ball

In Australia we had a federal election campaign that went on for 50 years (actually seven months but it felt like a gazillion times that). Australians voted against a vain PM and we ended up with Mr Misogynist refugee hater as our new prime minister

A magazine editor thought that a campaign featuring ladies not wearing any make up would empower women

I learned how to play more than three chords on my ukulele and sang funny songs with the beautiful families of very sick children in hospital

Damn, I forgot to marry for money

Around the world lots of crazy shiz went down:

In Britain there was scandal when the horse meat of the apocalypse was declared the national dish. Foal burger anyone?

Russians took a meteor shower

Mansplaining became the word du jour for more than a day

More women said ‘enough is enough I can’t go on’ (in the words of Barbra Streisand), and joined the fight for equal pay as feminists the world over marched closer to the imaginary land of Equality

In the US everyone stood near the fiscal cliff and peered over. Except the billionaires who were too busy raping and pillaging the country

In the Philippines a huge storm killed thousands and wiped out entire villages. MSF and many other charities restored our faith in human nature

Saudi women got behind the wheel and showed that women can drive too

Wendy Davis filibustered her way into feminist history

A celebrity flashed her undies, bought new boobs, had a baby, married her best friend’s personal trainer after stealing him from his fiancee, they got divorced after two days, she adopted seven children from a yak herder in Mongolia and released a perfume line featuring photos of the children in various states of undress (I think). This received more media coverage than unimportant issues like the death of the great Nelson Mandela

Madiba passed away at the age of 95 and the whole world mourned because we have too few visionary leaders and too many greedy narcissists in positions of power

Malala Yousafzai celebrated her 16th birthday with an inspirational speech, “We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back”

All in all a wonderful year of chaos