Single Mother Handy Hints for the School Holidays

Suggested school holiday menu:
1. Take it or leave it
2. Any food item that can be left in the oven and baked within an inch of its life is worth feeding to a child
3. Now is a good time for your kids to learn to cook
4. Like it or lump it
5. Tell your kids your family has been invited to appear on a reality TV show and vote yourself out of the kitchen. Run
6. Vegemite sandwiches are fashionable this week on Instagram

Suggested body armour to protect mothers from harm during long winter school holidays:
Helmet

Kneepads

Medication

Nanny

Eye Candy

Au pair

Shin pads

Babysitter

Chardonnay/Shiraz therapy

Pyjamas look great at 4 o’clock in the afternoon

Wear a onesie or matching tracksuit if you have teenagers, they’ll leave you alone in public


Worry wart

It must be a mother thing. I don’t remember lying in bed worrying half the night when I was childless. That is probably because until I had kids I did not have a sober night to ponder or reflect. I spent my twenties drunk as a back packer, talking shit like a complete tosser until 5am. Now I spend my nights wide awake fretting about important issues:

Are tomato farmers pissed off with Charlie and Lola?
Will my 10 year old drown at her school swimming lessons and no one notices?
Is my face always going to look this tired, cranky and old?
Are we ever going to have political leaders with bravery and vision?
Is a Paddlepop a well-rounded meal on a Friday night when I’m exhausted?

“Any idiot can face a crisis – its day to day living that wears you out”
– Anton Chekov


The fortysomething parents are not alright

Gen X are overwhelmed, no wonder the divorce rate is so high


Ten Single Mother Commandments

1.Thou shalt buy ear plugs

2. Thou shalt covet the imaginary happy marriage of our happy couple friends

3. Thou shalt freak out the women who think you want to steal their husbands (usually the husbands that aren’t worth stealing)

4. Thou shalt play dead when kids try to wake you up on the weekend

5. Thou shalt bargain with your children like you are a hostage negotiator

6. Thou shalt not take fashion advice from a 13 year old

7. Thou shalt undertake due diligence with the father of your next child before you breed with him

8. Thou shalt be slothful on your birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas

9. Thou shalt have a cunning plan to deal with toddlers and teenagers – divert, distract, dodge

10. Thou shalt wear pyjamas at school drop off at least once per term