Wish list for Santa

I know it’s early but here is my most wanted present list:

1. Hydraulic crane bra to thrust boobies up and out. I want to be able to rest my chin on them when I’m tired.

2. New brain or Mensa member’s if secondhand.

3. Long, white porn star fingernails and a slave for chores so I won’t break nails.

4. Children who feed, clothe and bathe themselves, and walk to school safely.

5. New pelvic floor.

6. Home that cleans itself (with no mortgage)

7. Lifetime supply of Lindt chocolate balls

8. Annual foreign holidays with swarthy, sexy stranger

I must send a copy of my list to Santa.