Going to the zoo
Posted: June 27, 2014 Filed under: COMEDY, exercise | Tags: Circus Solarus costumes, crazy costumes, crazy jobs, Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Mint Juleps "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", mamas going to the zoo, performing at Taronga Zoo Sydney, performing tales, single mother has to pay the rent somehow, single mother jobs, single mothers do anything to pay the rent, Stilt walking, stilt walking adventures 2 CommentsOut of hundreds if not a thousand stilt walking gigs in crazy costumes my favourite venue would have to be Taronga Zoo in Sydney. Not because of the humans cackling at our costumes but because of the reactions of the animals. One night, with another performer, I was dressed as a floaty fairy with giant wings (2-3 metre span) whilst on three foot stilts. We wandered from the dressing room down to where a corporate cocktail party was being held overlooking Sydney Harbour at the bird flight show amphitheatre. We mingled amongst the suited guests for about 15 minutes, then the organisers announced that the bird show would start soon. As we spun around in our costumes a bird keeper approached us.
“You guys have to leave now! We can’t get the birds to come out to put on a show with you two around. The owl is terrified, she thinks you’re gigantic birds of prey.” So we walked away from the function as the sun set over the zoo, and as we made our way back to our dressing room we passed the lower part of the zebra and giraffe enclosure. Realising what a rare opportunity this was to observe the African animals at dusk with no crowds around as they ate, I turned to look at the animals. I saw a bongo frozen in terror at the sight of us. I will never forget the look of fear on the animal’s face as he gaped at us, open mouthed. His look said, “WTF is that?” Then I noticed that the giraffes and the zebra had all stopped eating, they were all staring at us with eyes as big as saucers, the expression on all their faces said, “Is that something that is going to eat me?” We walked away as fast as we could, not wanting to completely freak out these beautiful members of the animal kingdom.
The following year we were invited back for the opening of the newly built zoo entrance, with VIPs and politicians in attendance. This time we were dressed in different animal costumes. I was dressed as an emu on stilts and we mingled amongst the kids and families lined up to go in. I looked up as a keeper in khaki shorts approached us. “You guys will have to go. Mika the seal can’t shake the hand of the premier until the weirdo stilt walkers move away. Her keeper can’t get her to come out.”
There is an old Creole saying: The goat that climbs up the rocks must climb down again.
Ladysmith Black Mambazo and Mint Juleps – “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”
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Parenting Failures
Posted: June 20, 2014 Filed under: Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, bad mothering, bad parenting, Johnny Cash - I Won't Back Down, parenting fails, single mother fantasies, single mothering with determination, talent schools should be outlawed, Wisdom for single mothers, you know you're a bad mother if your kids... 6 CommentsCall me judgemental (go on, I love it), but I am trying to raise my children to be able to function in society when they are adults. To be reasonably polite and kind and treat other people well, be they garbos or barristers, I believe you have failed as a parent if your kids:
Are enrolled in a ‘talent’ school. Go for it kids, learn singing, dancing, playing a musical instrument, line dancing (maybe) whatever, but please don’t let children near anyone who claims to be able to teach your kids how to become famous
Cannot say please and thank you
Can’t look another human being in the eye when having an intelligent conversation
Listen to Justin Bieber beyond the age of 9
Use ‘verse’ as a verb
Believe that going to a shopping mall is a ‘can’t live without’ life experience
Feel the need to upload their entire life on Tumblr
Are still living at home beyond the age of 25
Think that ‘director of beauty’ is a job description
Know how to operate a firearm under the age of 10
Dear readers feel free to add to this list
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Totes awks single mother moments
Posted: June 13, 2014 Filed under: Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: Buck Owens & His Buckaroos - Act Naturally [Live] - 1966, proud single mothers, shining single mothers, single mother ethical dilemmas, single mother role models, single mothers with attitude, Too much information Leave a commentMy eight year old’s teacher asked her where she would like to go on a class excursion. My daughter replied, “Dan Murphy’s*, that’s where Mummy would like to go.”
I was planning my 16 year old’s birthday party. She said, “Mum I don’t want any drugs at my party.” She could tell I was very disappointed, I didn’t know how to tell my friends they can’t come to her party.
I went to pick up my youngest child from a craft workshop. The teacher said, “We worked with coloured paper this afternoon and your daughter coloured in a piece of white paper with a bright green texta, cut it up into little pieces, put it in a bowl, then rolled the pieces into a long tube of white paper and pretended to smoke it. Where did she learn to do that?”
Later that night she said to me, “What’s a ghetto Mama?” Before I had a chance to answer she said, “Is a ghetto somewhere mamas go when dads have hurt their babies?”
*A well known bottle shop/off license chain in Australia
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Hey kids
Posted: June 10, 2014 Filed under: COMEDY | Tags: 80s TV shows - The Young Ones, a comedy prince, Blackadder, Bottom, British comedy legends, Cliff Richard & Comic Relief The Young Ones Living Doll 1986, comedy genius, comic writers, Drop Dead Fred, gone too soon, Rik Mayall brilliant comedian and writer, RIP RIk Mayall, thank you for the laughter Leave a commentIn 1983 I watched the Young Ones on TV with a group of friends and when one of our mates said, “This isn’t funny,” I looked at her like she was an alien with two heads. In my world of uptight rules and private school uniforms watching Rik and Vyv helped me find my tribe. Mr Mayall you were too young to go, you will be so missed, thank you for providing the laughs and the anarchy and your glorious comic stupidity to my youth. You were a brilliant comedian and writer and an inspiration to me. Hope you and Mel Smith are laughing like drains in the afterlife.
We haven’t told our parents what time we’ll be back
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Single Mother Bucket List
Posted: June 6, 2014 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, bucket list for single mothers, get me a bucket, happy single mothering, just happy, more than a bucketful, Shirley Bassey "This Is My Life", single mother bucket list, single mother delusions, single mother dreams, single mother truths, single mothering with attitude Leave a commentFinding a single 97 year old billionaire outside a Las Vegas wedding chapel
Enough grocery money for cask wine, Prozac, Phenergan and two minute noodles
Finishing a sentence without being interrupted by a child
Stripping without anyone grimacing
A full bucket of French champagne bottles
Doing a poo in peace
Getting ex to pay for kids
Drafting legislation to outlaw the word ‘panties’
Having a holiday that doesn’t involve child friendly parks
A bucket full of money
Children shoplifting without getting caught
Lying on a beach for 2 weeks while servants cater to every whim
Silence
Smiling because I’m not worrying about bills I can’t pay
Outlawing bucket lists
loupollard 