Single mother splurge fest

My resolution for 2015 is to focus on me, me, me in the spare five minutes I have before I return to my glamorous life of washing up, reheating microwave friendly food and idle gossip. On New Year’s Eve forget the frugal flan, pitch the Prozac with a cask wine chaser, bin the baked bean bolognaise for just one day. Go on single mothers, lash out and buy yourself a noice bottle of bubbly or some expensive choccies, you deserve it. Here’s to $20 out of our meagre budget well spent. The universe will provide

Happy New Year everyone, even the happy couples

May drunken conversations be forgot, and never brought up again
May life have sun and kids be fun
For the sake of our sanity


You know you’re a single mother on Boxing Day when

You let your kids watch cute cats doing stupid stuff on the internet all day
You open a beer at 9.30am
You can’t see the living room floor and the presents were opened nearly 2 days ago
You think left over, dried out potato salad is all kids need to eat all day
The sun is shining but the couch and TV have reserved a place for your fat bum
The brandy custard in the fridge has your name and ‘do not touch or I will send you to boarding school’ written on the label
Your drunk redneck neighbours call your name and you think climbing over their fence for a drink at 10pm is a wise decision
Your youngest child complains about a stomach ache and you pour her a shandy
You steal your children’s Christmas presents so you can regift to the neighbours’ kids because you forgot to buy them anything
Your children are still eating Christmas candy canes at 8.30pm
You let your kids play with sparklers unsupervised in the street so you can watch endless hours of cats doing mindless funny stuff on the net


Santa’s checking his list

and I’m checking my single mama Christmas list. Mine looks a bit different to Santa’s version:

Last minute, hope this will do presents for my kids – tick
Chocolates bought at service station for relatives – tick
Happy face on when kids buy you same cheap present as last year – tick
Fight with siblings – tick
Feeling abnormal – tick
Dysfunctional family – tick
Underwhelmed by lack of French champagne and luxury goods – tick
Forgot my own present – tick
Can’t drink alcohol because I’m driving all over town – tick
Smile for my mother even though I really hate eating ham – tick
Not feeling very relaxed because I’m holding the fort – tick
Dream bubble above my head of me with a hottie on a Caribbean beach instead of being stuck in a hot house – tick
Sending cards to all the family and friends I forgot about on Boxing Day – tick

What’s on your Christmas wish list?

Frank Sinatra and Bing Crosby Christmas Special 1957


What happened?

Thank God this year is nearly over. 2014 felt like a bad party that lasted all year, the kind of party where you turn up late and all the cool people left 20 minutes ago and you’re stuck with maudlin drunk people who don’t dance and only have one beer and a packet of stale crackers left. In 2013 I travelled to new places and made new friends. In 2014, the shiz got real; single mothering became the major focus of my life when my kids barely saw their other parent. These are the edited highlights of my year of slavery:

I dated different men, which became a social experiment rather than an exercise in true love

I finished the HSC (translation: VCE, O levels, graduated from high school). Well, my 17 year old daughter did but I wrote essays, made lots of food and threw some tantrums

Sports uniforms were big this year and the bills for the outfits were even bigger

My middle child completed her first year of high school without me sending her to a maximum security boarding facility for pre teens

I performed in my second solo stand up comedy show “Looking For Mike Brady” at the 2014 Fringe Comedy Festival and my darling friends turned up to laugh with me

I spent another wonderful year being a fool in hospitals in the presence of beautiful families

The Australian dream was flushed down the toilet by the worst federal government in Australian political history

2014 was a year of many tears, I lost too many treasures, “precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,” as Shakespeare put it, passed into the next world way too young. I went to 10 funerals this year. Two funerals were for my mentor and for my teacher, people who are largely responsible for my career. These were the only two funerals I attended that were for people over the age of 50. I learnt the hard way not to take beautiful young people for granted. I want to find a cure for brain cancer.

I found these words in the possessions left behind by one of my darling friends:
Walk slowly,
Water lashing at your toes,
Crane ready to take flight.
Wait for the tide to change

For many of my friends, the Year of the Horse was a year of heartbreak

And the world lost brilliant artists who made our lives happier, including Rik Mayall, Joe Cocker, Clarissa Dickson Wright, Shirley Temple, Alice Herz Sommer, Mickey Rooney, Doc Neeson, Phillip Seymour Hoffmann, Peaches Geldof, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers, Bob Hoskins, Stella Young and Dr Peter Spitzer who founded the Clown Doctors in Australia

I became an aunty again to a gorgeous girl and a fabulous boy

Two of my beautiful colleagues had babies

I travelled to Queensland to laugh and dance and cry and remember with my Clown Doctor colleagues from around the country

Malala Yousafzai accepted the Nobel Peace Prize and went straight back to her chemistry class

#YesAllWomen became the most viral feminist hashtag of all time

I went to my school reunion and reconnected with old friends who made me laugh out loud

Mary Lambert singing at the Grammys made my eyes wet in 2014

Two planes fell out of the sky breaking more hearts

Horror unfolded as the year came to a close in Sydney, Cairns and Pakistan

Sydneysiders and our visitors poured love and flowers into a memorial site in Martin Place to remember two shining stars we lost and to promote cultural tolerance. Our mission as Australians is now to replace hate with love

What a year! As Michael Clarke said at his best friend Phillip Hughes’ funeral, to honour our loved ones who have passed too early, ‘We must get through to tea, and we must play on.’


Single mother Christmas wish list version 1.1

All I want for Christmas is:
Intelligent people with vision to govern us
Sleep
A live in maid
A cure for brain cancer
Sanity
Toys that won’t be broken by Boxing Day or as they call it in children’s hospitals emergency departments ‘superhero day.’

Merry Bah Humbug festival of over spending to you and your loved ones


I miss my beautiful friend

I met him in a club. We danced and danced all night but I didn’t get his phone number. A few weeks later he walked into my office. I was 18 years old and I’d met my soul mate. We went out dancing again and we talked all night. He invited me over to his house and I lay on his bed while he read me Kerouac. We spent hours in his bed reading authors we loved and listening to music we could go out and dance to. He was a Dj so I’d give him all the records I could get my hands on at work.

A year later I moved overseas. He sent me mix tapes and postcards he had made with funny pictures and collages because the internet wasn’t invented. I loved hearing about his adventures. I sent him the daggiest, most kitsch postcards I could find in India, Greece and Spain and England. Two years later his postcards stopped coming and I never heard from him again.

In 1992 I walked down King Street Newtown and looked at a portion of the AIDS quilt in a shop window. Then I saw his name embroidered into the quilt. My beautiful friend

Veljko

My darling friend had died and I didn’t know. I was too young and selfish and rude and too far away to find out. I wasn’t there for him as he was dying of the most godawful disease. I think of him when I hear the song Empty Chairs at Empty Tables, when I hear New Order, when I notice my old 1940s copy of On The Road by Jack Kerouac on the bookshelf. Veljko introduced me to Kerouac and Ginsberg and dance music mixes. Thank you darling for the joy you gave me. We were only close friends for a short time but you taught me that we don’t know what we’ve got ’til it’s gone. Love only love my darling sunny happy friend.