Husbandable

HUSBANDABLE – capable of being economically used or fit for cultivation

– Shorter Oxford Dictionary

This year I can’t wait to find the next man I’m going to break up with. Hopefully he won’t call me a ball busting bitch  in Bunnings on a Saturday afternoon like the last one did as we stood in the 468 pieces of metal crap aisle, with every DIY lover watching our show. And hopefully he’ll have all his own teeth and a dead mother. Or at least a blind, deaf, mute mother who lives in Uzbekhistan. I live in hope…


Single mother club

I am a member of an association I didn’t want to join. A card carrying crazy haired mummy in tracksuit pants, wearing bare feet, I am doing single motherhood the feral way. According to studies, single motherhood is not a pathway to physical nor mental wellness, more like emotional chaos.

My family was way ahead of the trend when it comes to single mothering. My paternal grandmother and my maternal great grandmother were both single mothers way before it became fashionable. When I am exhausted I think of my dad’s mother raising two children on her own in the 1930s and 40s, a time when single parenting was not chic. She couldn’t open a bank account nor get a loan because she had no husband.

My mission is to share the joys of single parenting. I don’t mind being single, it’s the single parenting I struggle with. My friends tell me I should be looking for the next man I’m going to break up with, but right now I think it is

Better to be alone than in bad company

I don’t want to be a single mum cougar, ogling young men on a Saturday night. Young men who are emotionally living on another planet. And their taste in music is appalling. I don’t want a grandpa either, I’m not that desperate.

But I’m sure I’m not the only single smother who behaves like a debauched old tart when the children stay at their father’s girlfiend’s place.

I don’t like to bash men on my blog, just tenderise them…


Freedom

With the past I have nothing to do; nor with the future. I live now – Ralph Waldo Emerson


Plastic paradise


EXERCISE versus VAJAZZLING

So I had a free pass for two weeks’ worth of yoga with one of the best yoga teachers in the country if not the world, it was a beautiful day, I was child free and I could walk to the yoga school in 15 minutes. Did I worship at the temple that is my body? No, I stayed home and read about vajazzling on the internet. Yes, jewels for vaginas. These women have WAY too much time on their hands. Or way too much vagina on their hands.

Apparently the trend exploded in the US when Jennifer Love Hewitt announced that she Vajazzles regularly to feel good about her private parts. I work in hospitals with sick and dying children. Please don’t tell me Jennifer Love Hewitt that you have time to vajazzle. Tell me you help injured puppies, or look after your elderly neighbour. JLH you are a moron.

I must explain that I am a self-employed, over-committed single mother of three children with no desire to even talk to a man. I don’t care at this point if I ever have sex again. So maybe vajazzling would have wet my whistle (as it were) when I was an over-sexed single, childless commitment-phobe 20 something. But somehow I don’t think so.

Ladies, please. Can we stop getting distracted by stupid so-called beauty treatments and get out and do some good in the world instead? In Joplin, USA, Christchurch, New Zealand and Sendai, Japan there are people who could really use our help. Please?


Children of single mothers

According to some pop psychologists children of single parents grow up to be criminals. Great. My girls can start shoplifting some high quality items from David Jones, I am sick of eating baked beans.


D.I.V.O.R.C.E prescription

You’ve been dumped or you’ve dropped your ex. Divorcing the former love of your life is painful and can be costly. So you might not get over your marriage as quickly as Greg Norman but you need help to feel better right now.

It may take years to truly recover from your divorce. It does help if you get your doctor to give you a prescription. Something like:

Lou must watch the Sydney Swans train at the beach with their shirts off for at least six months until her trauma is healed.



Lou Lou

My name is Lou or more accurately Lou Lou. A friend told me that Lou Lou is a euphemism for vagina. Actually I was christened Louise (yes, I was christened in a posh frock which I did a big wee all over), but people only called me that when I had done something wrong; I got used to LOUISE being yelled in a cranky tone of voice. So 15 years ago I changed it to Lou Lou by deed poll. So I’m a grown woman with a little girl’s name. I have three theme songs. Don’t Bring Lulu because my sister was well behaved and I was a wild child so I tend to go a bit nuts at social functions. The second one is Louise, my dad used to sing it to me when I was little. Only my family get away with calling me Louise (just). And I’m a single mother, so this song below is another one of my theme songs.

SKIP TO MY LOU

I lost my partner, what’ll I do?

I lost my partner, what’ll I do?

I lost my partner, what’ll I do?

Skip to my Lou, my darlin’.

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Skip to my Lou, my darlin’.

I’ll find another one, prettier than you,

I’ll find another one, prettier than you,

I’ll find another one, prettier than you,

Skip to my Lou, my darlin’

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Lou, Lou, skip to my Lou,

Skip to my Lou, my darling