Bewdy school dropout

I used this tube of cream and suddenly my youth was activated. I put it on my face and started hunting guys with bad 80s hair, I was dancing to New Order in a fluoro tube skirt and laughing my guts up with my girlfriends late at night on street corners. Amazing result until I looked in the mirror and realised that my skin resembled an ageing goanna. Thanks Lancôme for taking me back to my younger daze, your product activated my already over-active imagination.

20140907-153041.jpg


Tonight’s the night

My second solo stand up comedy show Looking For Mike Brady starts tonight at 9.30pm at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville for Fringe Comedy Festival and the Sydney Fringe. Come along and see me act like a goose on stage.

You can book at sydneyfringe.com


Uplifting quotes for single mothers

I woke up the day after my birthday in a reflective mood, and I am deeply moved by the home made cards my children created on a very low budget. So very inspired that I have created some quotes that I think may help other single mothers cope with the day-to-day madness of parenting on our own.

“A single mother is a person who, seeing there are only three pieces of pie left for her and her three kids, hides the pie from the kids so she can eat it while they’re visiting their father in jail.”

“The child standing in front of the microwave gets the most baked beans.”

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to pay their mother.”

“Nothing I’ve ever done has given me as much pain and heartburn as parenting teenagers.”

“It doesn’t matter who my mother is, it matters that she doesn’t turn up at the school gate looking like a tramp.”

“Being a good mother is the most important role I’ll ever play and if I don’t do it well, my kids won’t be able to pay for my champagne when they’re older.”

I love these quotes (some of my best work), they’re so beautiful and so true. I think Louise Hay may include them in her next book.


The Emperor’s New Clothes

This week marks one year since the Australian people voted in a bunch of uninspiring pale, stale, male pollies who bow to a fiscal god and think balancing a budget is the only important quality in a politician. Maybe we needed to have this bunch of boorish, entitled white males and their lack of vision to remind us to be compassionate, to care for one another, to give the homeless, the sick, the unemployed and refugees some of our time and our kindness. We come from a land of plenty, so just maybe these greedy men have woken us up so that we remember to dream of a world we really wish to live in and start to fight for it. Or maybe they’re just a pack of spineless puppets. Come the revolution we know who will be first to the guillotine.


Double duty

Today is Father’s Day and I’m missing my long dead dad. Reading happy family messages on social media on a day like today is tough, especially when you’re doing double duty. I’m loving my strong male mates who are showing up and working hard and being great dads by making their children their main priority. I’m not loving the dads who show off their kids at public social functions but aren’t there for the hard graft of parenting. A part of me wishes that men in Western society would take the men who decide to be deadbeat and Disneyland dads to task. Tiger Woods can treat his wife and kids like shit but still be awarded player of the year awards. In our society it’s even easy to get away with not paying for your kids. I don’t know if it’s the role of government to chase up sperm donors who are not declaring income and crying poor then taking their new families out for dinner and getting on with a newly invented life as though the children they had first are a part of their past that they don’t need to revisit. The Child Support Agency doesn’t seem to be highly effective. I’m not advocating a return to the strict moral code of the 1950s but a few conversations along the lines of ‘mate lift your game’ and ‘real men pay child support,’ I think would help us ladies struggling with bearing the full load of child rearing. Yes we chose to have our kids, but in most cases, no we didn’t deliberately choose boys masquerading as men who have relinquished their responsibilities to their children. Real men man up.


Looking For Mike Brady

In three weeks I’m performing my second solo stand up comedy show at The Factory Theatre, and I’m hoping more than four people and a dog come to see me perform. My show is called Looking For Mike Brady. Hopefully my future husband will be an architect like Mike Brady, because architects earn enough money to support a wife, 6 kids, a live in housekeeper, holidays in Hawaii and a big house. But knowing my luck with men, my future husband will probably be sitting in the audience disguised as a happily married gay man. I’ve written some silly songs and a whole lot of new material and if I can remember all of it I think it will be a great night of laughs. You can buy tickets here: sydneyfringe.com

Bill & Boyd – Put Another Log On The Fire