Not happy man

As someone who tries to spread happiness and joy to people in distress, I’ve been invited to hear a few modern gurus speak at conferences. They are usually happy high achievers with eager followers and best-selling self-help books. They often make me feel inadequate. I read their books and end up feeling like I have to add another set of chores to my already chock full to do list. This week I’d like to pay my bills and have a holiday, so please come over and take my kids to school while I loll about in a spa. Cook my dinner, help with homework and soothe my neurotic insomniac brain but spare me the details of your journey of discovery. I’m sure it’s been incredibly peaceful spending the last two years meditating in a cave in the Himalayas but I don’t want to know. If you’ve done nothing but sit in silence for hours, I’m jealous. Write a book. I might fall asleep reading it.


Astro turfed

It started with an enticing email message (complete with capital letters for emphasis) from Clairvoyant Kevin:
A time of WONDERFUL change is coming your way, we need to talk IMMEDIATELY.

To be SUCCESSFUL you must channel the POWER of the stars.

As a struggling single mother I need all the self-help I can get, so gullible me clicked on the link provided by Clairvoyant Kevin in his ‘exclusive’ email.

Kevin told me that Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Uncanny. How does this astrologer know me so well already?

Let your intuition tell you all you need to know. Harness the ENERGY of the stars.

Then
The Sextile of your ruling planet is SPECTACULAR.
Que?

So I paid for Kevin’s prediction, and the only thing that held any promise was my astrology forecast. According to Guru Kevin, the happiest period of my life had just begun. Two friends died, my car was sold to a wrecker and the bloke stopped calling me. Thanks Kev, I can’t wait to see what my bad stars bring.


Gen Y lexicon

Gen Y are a group of young adults who will never be able to move out of home because their baby boomer parents bought all the property in Australian cities through negative gearing. The members of Generation Y have been under attack, apparently their parents told them they were fabulous too many times so young Y’s grew up feeling entitled to everything, even a job. Here’s my take on Generation Y can’t we change careers every year:

Thank you to Urban Dictionary for helpful clues

A is for ATTENTION SPAN of an ant
Apparently Gen Y’s stay in a job just long enough to use the bathroom, then they’re off to find themselves

B is for BABY BOOMER PARENTS
Who still think they’re teenagers

C is for CONVERSATION
Something people did in the olden days before tablets and texting was invented

D is for DENIAL
Don’t want to grow up? Baby Boomer parents didn’t want to either

E is for ENTITLED
Apparently this is not fashionable any more

F is for FAUX
Can’t afford the real thing but I MUST have it

G is for GET A WELL PAID JOB
Then all your housing dreams will come true

H is for HOME with the parents
Only until the age of 45

I is for INSTA
Everything is now

J is for JUSTIN BIEBER
Last year’s Davy Jones, Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, Mark Wahlberg, Zac Efron

K is for KNOW IT ALL
Irritating Boomer who thinks they’re hip enough to work in a predominately Gen Y office

L is for LONG SERVICE LEAVE
Que?

M is for MISUNDERSTOOD
Word

N is for NARCISSISTIC
Applies to every Gen Y human. No one born before Gen Y’s ever gave a thought to their own needs

O is for ORIGINAL
Something music used to be

P is for PRE-INTERNET
The land before time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth

Q is for QUALITY
Better than quantity

R is for RUDE
X’ers who know everything & frequently lecture the generation born after them

S is for SAMPLE
Legitimate use of anyone’s art

T is for TEXTURAL
Only to be used when talking about food

U is for UNROOL
Try hard language for old people

V is for VINTAGE CLOTHING
Old people call it second hand or hand me downs

W is for WHY
Didn’t your mother keep her entire wardrobe from 1977?

X is for X’ers
Annoying Generation who came before the chosen people

Y is for Yaaass

Z is for ZED
Generation of digital natives born after the special people


Dishy Washy

I am in love with an inanimate object. She cost me $150 on eBay and she is cheap to run. I love my dishwasher. She is my comrade in the war against grotty kids. As a single mother with children who have lost the use of their legs and their ability to put socks in the washing machine, my dishwasher is my best friend and one true love.

My friend calls dishwashers the marriage saver, perhaps only if you marry someone who doesn’t have substance abuse issues. My DW is addicted to tablets, but she stopped me doing the dishes. I hate fancy plates that don’t fit in her warm wet insides. Anything delicate is banished from my kitchen. If I bribe my youngest hooligan she sometimes unloads my dishwashy friend.

I adore taking my kids to the park knowing that my dish pig is hard at work filling my flat with the pong of detergent. When we return home I open her up and my face is hit with a blast of her wonderful wafting steam.

She has great rhythm, I love the way she hums at night; I go to sleep in my living room to the soothing sound of the white machine slaving over my cutlery and pans. Bliss in a box.


Move over, there’s a new supermodel

Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re too old to be a supermodel. At the ripe old age of 30 something (my maths is terrible) I have at last become a cover girl. Dressed in clothes that will definitely embarrass my teenager, I am featured in the May issue of Lift magazine, a fabulous new read for single mothers and their huge band of servants, personal trainers, private chefs and stylists.

Click on the link to read my story:

Lift Magazine Issue 3


Thank you Siri

My fur child jumped on my iPhone this morning, causing Siri to ask “What can I help you with?”

Well Siri this morning you can help me with my poor taste in men, my lack of style, my mangy hair and my hangover. Then you can drive my kids to school, clean my flat, shop for food, disturb the mad voices in my head while I slumber and book me a holiday. Today I’d like to write, read, swim under a waterfall, sing, dance, do a yoga class, finish my tax return, laugh, have lunch with friends, eat lobster, watch a movie, drink expensive champagne, go sailing, walk on the beach, go to Bali and still have dinner on the table early


Official Day of the Fools

I’m very lucky to be a professional fool. Wherever you are in the world, I’d like you to take a silly selfie, post it online and you can help the Clown Doctors bring smiles to sick kids in hospitals across Australia. Until April 2 (yes, less than 24 hours away), for every silly selfie that you post on Instagram or Twitter (or a public post on Facebook) with the hash tag ‪#‎ClowningForKids‬, the Commonwealth Bank will donate $10 to Clown Doctors Australia. You don’t have to use your own money. Make a funny face, post the photo, tag it and the bank pays. So simple a fool could do it.

Share this post with your friends. My day job makes me so joyful I could almost turn into a happy clapper.


What happened?

Thank God this year is nearly over. 2014 felt like a bad party that lasted all year, the kind of party where you turn up late and all the cool people left 20 minutes ago and you’re stuck with maudlin drunk people who don’t dance and only have one beer and a packet of stale crackers left. In 2013 I travelled to new places and made new friends. In 2014, the shiz got real; single mothering became the major focus of my life when my kids barely saw their other parent. These are the edited highlights of my year of slavery:

I dated different men, which became a social experiment rather than an exercise in true love

I finished the HSC (translation: VCE, O levels, graduated from high school). Well, my 17 year old daughter did but I wrote essays, made lots of food and threw some tantrums

Sports uniforms were big this year and the bills for the outfits were even bigger

My middle child completed her first year of high school without me sending her to a maximum security boarding facility for pre teens

I performed in my second solo stand up comedy show “Looking For Mike Brady” at the 2014 Fringe Comedy Festival and my darling friends turned up to laugh with me

I spent another wonderful year being a fool in hospitals in the presence of beautiful families

The Australian dream was flushed down the toilet by the worst federal government in Australian political history

2014 was a year of many tears, I lost too many treasures, “precious friends hid in death’s dateless night,” as Shakespeare put it, passed into the next world way too young. I went to 10 funerals this year. Two funerals were for my mentor and for my teacher, people who are largely responsible for my career. These were the only two funerals I attended that were for people over the age of 50. I learnt the hard way not to take beautiful young people for granted. I want to find a cure for brain cancer.

I found these words in the possessions left behind by one of my darling friends:
Walk slowly,
Water lashing at your toes,
Crane ready to take flight.
Wait for the tide to change

For many of my friends, the Year of the Horse was a year of heartbreak

And the world lost brilliant artists who made our lives happier, including Rik Mayall, Joe Cocker, Clarissa Dickson Wright, Shirley Temple, Alice Herz Sommer, Mickey Rooney, Doc Neeson, Phillip Seymour Hoffmann, Peaches Geldof, Robin Williams, Joan Rivers, Bob Hoskins, Stella Young and Dr Peter Spitzer who founded the Clown Doctors in Australia

I became an aunty again to a gorgeous girl and a fabulous boy

Two of my beautiful colleagues had babies

I travelled to Queensland to laugh and dance and cry and remember with my Clown Doctor colleagues from around the country

Malala Yousafzai accepted the Nobel Peace Prize and went straight back to her chemistry class

#YesAllWomen became the most viral feminist hashtag of all time

I went to my school reunion and reconnected with old friends who made me laugh out loud

Mary Lambert singing at the Grammys made my eyes wet in 2014

Two planes fell out of the sky breaking more hearts

Horror unfolded as the year came to a close in Sydney, Cairns and Pakistan

Sydneysiders and our visitors poured love and flowers into a memorial site in Martin Place to remember two shining stars we lost and to promote cultural tolerance. Our mission as Australians is now to replace hate with love

What a year! As Michael Clarke said at his best friend Phillip Hughes’ funeral, to honour our loved ones who have passed too early, ‘We must get through to tea, and we must play on.’


Magnificent moments in mothering part 576

In a rush to get to work a few weeks ago I forgot to send my youngest child to a school excursion in the rain with a few minor details: a) a raincoat b) sensible shoes c) a water bottle d) a back pack she could carry e) an umbrella I may as well have sent her in the nude. Beautiful goddess teacher dressed her in garbage bag couture so my girl stayed dry and shared some of her water with my child. Thank God for teachers and their ability to do what is best for the child, I worship them all. And there was no email to the silly mother saying, ‘you are a goose, what were you thinking?’ Today on World Teachers’ Day (UN approved) I’d like to thank my children’s teachers for everything they have done to enable my kids to be functioning members of society. They work hard for little pay and inspire our kidlets in so many ways. Teachers I love youse all. I am so lucky to be a part of a caring school community. Frank Sinatra – (Would You Like To) Swing On A Star


Bewdy school dropout

I used this tube of cream and suddenly my youth was activated. I put it on my face and started hunting guys with bad 80s hair, I was dancing to New Order in a fluoro tube skirt and laughing my guts up with my girlfriends late at night on street corners. Amazing result until I looked in the mirror and realised that my skin resembled an ageing goanna. Thanks Lancôme for taking me back to my younger daze, your product activated my already over-active imagination.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbv50eBhO2Q