G’day. Here’s my last minute Christmas list for you. I’ve been very busy this year, so as I haven’t really had time to be naughty I think I’m in with a chance of getting a few of these items. So this Christmas I wish you could:
- Please send really sick kids home from children’s hospitals with good health
- Please give their parents a restful break
- Please find homes for homeless people, especially those battling snow and bitter winds
- Please change the gun laws in the US
- Please outlaw the over-supply of greedy real estate agents who profit from people’s basic need for housing
- Please give the tectonic plates a rest for a while
- Please kick out politicians who put their own personal profits ahead of the health, harmony, safety and education of the nation they pretend to be serving
- Please send French champagne and chocolates to my loved ones while I have a lie down
- Please keep an eye on my eldest as she adventures through the wilds of South America
- Please tell whoever is in charge of choosing who dies (I don’t know where they are, maybe in the office next to yours at the North Pole?) not to take any more of our fabulous artists. Can this entity please choose despots, thugs and so-called success coaches in 2017 instead?
I’m trying not to be greedy but some peace, love, joy, giggles, goodwill, gratitude, patience, kisses, health, harmony, dark chocolate, extra light for Channukah, belly laughter, hugs, respect and no new Mariah Carey singles for a while would be ace too
Thanks mate, I’ve got beer waiting for you as long as your reindeer poo out the back of my garden
I’ve written a limerick in honour of my Irish relatives on St Paddy’s Day. Throughout history single mothers have always been popular in Ireland.
There once was a mother who knew
That children ate more when they grew
So she stopped feeding dinner
Her children grew thinner
and she had more money for shoes
In opposition to “Kick a Ginger Day” Derek Forgie created “Kiss A Ginger Day,” celebrated on the 12th of January every year.
Famous ginger tops include Carol Burnett, Vincent Van Gogh, Susan Sarandon, Tim Minchin, Ginger Spice, Australian princess Our Knickers, Shirley Maclaine, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Lucille Ball, Prince Harry and Ed Sheeran whose music is a bit cheesy but I still like him.
Celebrate Kiss a Ginger Day by smooching your favourite redhead, and mark January 12 on your calendar because it is far better to spread love than hate. I’ve always loved the orange crayons.
Week one of my New Year’s Resolutions. So far I’m winning.
Christmas hamper bickies and choccies have enabled my kids to have delicious healthy breakfasts throughout the school holidays with all the major food groups: fat, salt, sugar and preservatives
Christmas wrapping paper carpeting the floor hides all the stains
I embarrassed my children a lot more in 2015 than I did in any other year, I’m hoping to top that in 2016, especially with my fashion choices
My children will learn the meaning of housework
None of them have been to hospital yet
Pieces of craft line the house
Can’t wait until my maid arrives after I’ve won the lottery
For the second year running I will give up washing my teenagers’ clothes, the smell is worth it
Single mother Santa wish list
Peace in my house
No Reindeer poo to clean up in my garden
Santa changes all the light bulbs, mops, dusts, vacuums and repairs the leaky washing machine before he leaves
And my kids and I sing my favourite Christmas song
Today is National RU OK? day. Please check on your friends, family, neighbours and loved ones and ask them: Are you OK? We are so busy and so disconnected but together we can prevent suicide. If you know someone who lives on their own, a smile and a chat could be what they need. I have rung Lifeline in my darkest hour and the woman who answered the phone was brilliant. May the legacy of Gavin Larkin live on and spread across the world.
If you need help call Lifeline in Australia: 131144
You let your kids watch cute cats doing stupid stuff on the internet all day
You open a beer at 9.30am
You can’t see the living room floor and the presents were opened nearly 2 days ago
You think left over, dried out potato salad is all kids need to eat all day
The sun is shining but the couch and TV have reserved a place for your fat bum
The brandy custard in the fridge has your name and ‘do not touch or I will send you to boarding school’ written on the label
Your drunk redneck neighbours call your name and you think climbing over their fence for a drink at 10pm is a wise decision
Your youngest child complains about a stomach ache and you pour her a shandy
You steal your children’s Christmas presents so you can regift to the neighbours’ kids because you forgot to buy them anything
Your children are still eating Christmas candy canes at 8.30pm
You let your kids play with sparklers unsupervised in the street so you can watch endless hours of cats doing mindless funny stuff on the net