I’m moving to China

China’s singletons celebrate Singles Day (or ‘bare sticks’) as an alternative to Valentine’s Day on November 11 — or 11/11, the date representing all the lonely people. Being single on Valentine’s Day is a big problem in China, where there are millions more men than women because of the country’s one-child policy. Sitting on the bus with no one beside me is fun, but I’d love to celebrate being alone with other sad singles, is anyone throwing a blind date party tonight?


Giddy Up

Here I am on the day of the race that stops a nation, dressed in jodhpurs and a top hat, hamming it up for drunk people, most of whom don’t realise this how I earn my living (they just think I’m some kind of kooky lady), as they slam down their drinks. We humans are very strange, we tame wild creatures, then watch them going round and round a track. When I was a young warthog, I went to the races most weekends with my grandpa Aubrey, who was nuts about betting on the gee gees. He would place small bets for me and I always picked the grey horses, probably because of Gunsynd, the Goondiwindi grey, a famous racehorse from the 1970s. Now I’m getting paid to act like a goose on a horse, my grandpa would be so proud.


Creepy

Some people say that Halloween is too American and shouldn’t be celebrated in Australia, but Halloween is a great day for single mothers. Our kids get spoilt with kilos of sugar and other people pay for it. On October 31, kids of single mothers are also being trained to beg in the streets. In the past week I’ve encouraged my youngest to stop brushing her hair so she’s perfected her poor urchin look.

I really wanted my teenager to have a happy costume for Halloween, so I dressed her in a white shift dress and painted a big red line down the middle of her face. Most people don’t guess that her costume is a negative pregnancy test.

Then I decided to scare my ex when he turned up to pick up the kids on Halloween evening so I’m wearing a t-shirt saying Real Men Pay Child Support.

Happy Halloween, bring on the treats.


A moment so rare

Three short years ago we were dressing up and celebrating your 40th birthday. You were the Queen of the ball that night and now you’ve already left us. And the only way I can contact you is to turn on Smooth FM and wait until a really corny tune comes on and sing my heart out like we used to do together when we were in your car or trying to outdo each other at karaoke. We miss you so, precious sunshine, funny witty friend, devoted mother. I see you when the sun lights up the evening sky across the sea and your songs come on the radio. Shine on beautiful friend, thank you for inspiring me to do good work in the world


Never smile at a crocodile

Apparently today is Reptile Awareness Day. I didn’t know there was a day held especially to recognise ex mother in laws and some of the toads I’ve been out with. One of the best things about divorce is shedding the asps attached to exes, it’s very ssss-satisfying when you no longer have to spend your time with ssss-snakes. Some species of reptile need to be threatened with extinction. Where are my crocodile skin shoes?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMaPTZdwjPE


Gurl power

Today is the UN International Day of the Girl child to recognise girls’ rights and the unique challenges girls face around the world. This year’s theme is Empowering Adolescent Girls: Ending the Cycle of Violence. Girls are persecuted, oppressed, stifled and silenced, and in many places girls aren’t allowed to have opinions or a voice. Over 66 million girls around the world are denied an education, simply because they were born a girl. Nobel Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been brave enough to stand up to extremists and speak about the fight for girls to have an education.

Consider these facts;
1 in 7 girls is married before the age of 15
Every 60 seconds a girl dies giving birth
Girls are persecuted more than any other political or religious group
Around 90% of child workers are girls aged 12-17
Girls are three times more likely to suffer from malnutrition than boys
One in every four girls are sexually abused by the age of 18

Of all the illiterate people in the world today, two-thirds are female and over 90 percent live in developing countries. Educating girls and women is widely acknowledged as the most powerful and effective way to address global poverty. Women who finish secondary school earn more money, have smaller, healthier families, and are more likely to educate their own children, breaking the cycle of illiteracy in one generation.

It doesn’t have to be like this. We can make a difference by donating money to charities like roomtoread.org


Magnificent moments in mothering part 576

In a rush to get to work a few weeks ago I forgot to send my youngest child to a school excursion in the rain with a few minor details: a) a raincoat b) sensible shoes c) a water bottle d) a back pack she could carry e) an umbrella I may as well have sent her in the nude. Beautiful goddess teacher dressed her in garbage bag couture so my girl stayed dry and shared some of her water with my child. Thank God for teachers and their ability to do what is best for the child, I worship them all. And there was no email to the silly mother saying, ‘you are a goose, what were you thinking?’ Today on World Teachers’ Day (UN approved) I’d like to thank my children’s teachers for everything they have done to enable my kids to be functioning members of society. They work hard for little pay and inspire our kidlets in so many ways. Teachers I love youse all. I am so lucky to be a part of a caring school community. Frank Sinatra – (Would You Like To) Swing On A Star


Bewdy school dropout

I used this tube of cream and suddenly my youth was activated. I put it on my face and started hunting guys with bad 80s hair, I was dancing to New Order in a fluoro tube skirt and laughing my guts up with my girlfriends late at night on street corners. Amazing result until I looked in the mirror and realised that my skin resembled an ageing goanna. Thanks Lancôme for taking me back to my younger daze, your product activated my already over-active imagination.

20140907-153041.jpg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pbv50eBhO2Q


Tonight’s the night

My second solo stand up comedy show Looking For Mike Brady starts tonight at 9.30pm at the Factory Theatre in Marrickville for Fringe Comedy Festival and the Sydney Fringe. Come along and see me act like a goose on stage.

You can book at sydneyfringe.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IXu9QDLL4Bo


Uplifting quotes for single mothers

I woke up the day after my birthday in a reflective mood, and I am deeply moved by the home made cards my children created on a very low budget. So very inspired that I have created some quotes that I think may help other single mothers cope with the day-to-day madness of parenting on our own.

“A single mother is a person who, seeing there are only three pieces of pie left for her and her three kids, hides the pie from the kids so she can eat it while they’re visiting their father in jail.”

“The child standing in front of the microwave gets the most baked beans.”

“The most important thing a father can do for his children is to pay their mother.”

“Nothing I’ve ever done has given me as much pain and heartburn as parenting teenagers.”

“It doesn’t matter who my mother is, it matters that she doesn’t turn up at the school gate looking like a tramp.”

“Being a good mother is the most important role I’ll ever play and if I don’t do it well, my kids won’t be able to pay for my champagne when they’re older.”

I love these quotes (some of my best work), they’re so beautiful and so true. I think Louise Hay may include them in her next book.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP5irLCDB4Q