Cheap Mother’s guide to parties
Posted: May 9, 2011 Filed under: Birthdays, Parenting | Tags: Cheap birthday parties, cheap mothers Leave a commentWhen your kid is a bit older, say 10 or 11, write, “This is my first real birthday party” on the invitation. Coupled with a photo of your child looking forlorn, it will either spook the other parents completely so they don’t send their kid to the party (you can’t go, that child is a loser) – thus saving buckets of money on feeding and entertaining the little monsters. Or they will feel so bad for your child they will take out a second mortgage on their house to pay for a really cool present for your kid. That’s called a win-win situation.
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Happy Mother’s Day – A prayer for all the mothers
Posted: May 8, 2011 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: champion mothers, Child Support Agency, child support agency failings, dead beat dads, FREUD, happy single mothering, Homage to single mothers, maintenance payments, mental health of single mothers, MOTHER'S DAY, mothering when exhausted, PRAYER, real men pay child support, SANITY, single mother sanity, single mothering, single mothers with attitude, solo mothers Leave a commentAccording to Freud it’s the role of the mother to mess with the child’s psyche and I’ve been doing my share. So today I have a prayer that mothers can keep our sanity and sense of humour while parenting.
Today I got homemade craft for Mother’s Day and cards that read I love yu, you’re the bestest moummy in the hole world. Mother’s Day is well timed. Usually by May most mothers I know have had enough of child rearing thus Mother’s Day is planned so we don’t give up mothering and take the little blighters back to the pet shop.
May your day be filled with kisses.
May you go to the toilet in peace
May your day be a tantrum-free zone
And may Santa, The Easter Bunny and the tooth fairy take away the whinge-gene your children inherited from their father.
A PRAYER FOR SINGLE MOTHERS
May the dead beat dad finally give you some cash.
May your ex’s white trash girlfriend treat your kids well.
And may the Child Support Agency catch up with those who are avoiding their maintenance payments.
AMEN
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School holiday crafty activities
Posted: April 20, 2011 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: beefeaters, craft, painting, parenting, school holiday activities, school holiday boredom Leave a commentMy youngest had an advanced case of school holiday boredom. The big sisters were playing with friends. It was raining so we spent the afternoon at the kitchen table with art paper and jars of watercolours. I painted what I thought was a fancy fish. Then my youngest handed me her best painting. I looked at the figure she’d painted.
“That’s a nice hat.”
“It’s a soldier mumma, with a big furry hat.”
“The soldier has a love heart on his hat.”
“Her hat. It’s a girl soldier mumma, girls don’t shoot people, they show people where to go. Boys shoot people.”
“I like your soldier,” I said.
“She’s a meat eater mumma.” I looked perplexed and she nodded.
“A meat eater? Don’t you mean a beefeater? I think you’ll find those soldier are called BEEF EATERS.”
“No, she’s a meat eater.”
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Raising Amazonia
Posted: April 19, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: Absolutely Fabulous, Amazonia, Amazons, Edina, happy single mothering, parenting, Saffy, single mother bliss, single mother sanity, single mothering, single mothers with attitude, solo mothering Leave a commentThe Amazons are a nation of all-female warriors in Classical antiquity and Greek mythology. Even though I have no formal training, I am raising three amazons:
Miss Maturity 14 – my shrink said there’s a touch of the Saffy and Edina (Absolutely Fabulous) relationship about us.
Miss Marshmallow 9 – she is sweet, soft and squishy.
And Miss Mental 5 – she is zany and hilarious, she has my crazy personality trapped in her father’s body.
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School holidaze
Posted: April 8, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: AC/DC - Highway to Hell Live, baked bean parenting, cheap single mother holidays, cheap single mothering, parenting, perfect mothers, school holidays, Single mother glamour, single mother holiday traditions, single mother staycations, summer holidays Leave a commentOther people have mongrel children, not me. My children will behave like angels throughout the long holidays, while I tut-tut at the whining monsters of my neighbours.
DAY ONE
Children with brushed hair happily eating five course dinner. Happy Mother
DAY TWO
Ten hours of Monopoly. In pyjamas until 4pm.
DAY THREE
Five hours at Build A Bear Workshop
DAY FOUR
Seven hours of Lego
DAY FIVE
Don’t hit your sister
DAY SIX
Don’t hit your sister
DAY SEVEN
Baked beans are fine for breakfast, lunch and dinner
Don’t back chat your mother
DAY EIGHT
Stop farting at the table
DAY NINE
“This family have taken a vow of silence.”
Don’t hit your sister
DAY TEN
“Shut up we are supposed to be having a spiritual experience!”
“Don’t hit your sister”
DAY ELEVEN
“Eat your frozen peas”
DAY TWELVE
“Your grandmother would really love it if you went to her house for lunch, then dinner, then breakfast. Sorry I can’t come I have to alphabetise my recipe books.”
“Mum you’ve never used a cookbook.”
DAY TWENTY THREE
“Kids we have run out of money. You will have to get a job.”
“But I’m only nine.”
“100 years ago I could have sent you down a coal mine to support me.”
DAY THIRTY THREE
Mother sitting on couch chewing finger nails down to the knuckle, tearing split ends out and other I-am-at-a fashionable-day-spa behaviour. Television explodes, so mother reads gossip magazines stolen from neighbours’ recycling bins. Happy, happy, most mags were new. Kids locked out in garden, can barely hear their fighting.
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Raising Amazonia
Posted: March 24, 2011 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: Amazonia, Amazons, female Prime Ministers, Hercules, Hippolyte, history, Penthesilea, Prime Minister, woman warriors Leave a commentI am raising a small tribe of Amazonians. Notable queens of the Amazons are Penthesilea, who participated in the Trojan War, and her sister Hippolyte, whose magic girdle, given to her by her father, was the object of one of the labours of Hercules. Amazonian raiders were often depicted in battle with Greek warriors in classical art. The Amazons have become associated with various historical peoples throughout the Roman Empire. Their name has become a term for woman warriors.
When my youngest daughter is Prime Minister I’ll advise her to have every male over the age of 25 rounded up and sent to an island. We’ll keep men aged 18 to 25 in pens for breeding, retiring them once they become older. I’ll make a great political consultant. Is my first policy statement too extreme?
loupollard 