Thou shalt not steal from thy children
Posted: November 1, 2013 Filed under: Parenting, Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: All hallows Eve, All Saints Day, beer o'clock, cheapskate mothering, Grandmaster Flash, halloween, halloween hangovers, healthy meals, substance abuse, sugar addiction, The Day of the Dead, Trick or treating with kids, White Lines 4 CommentsToday is the Day of the Dead and All Saints’ Day.
4.15am. I am woken by a Halloween sugar hangover from hell, my tummy is about to explode and in my head I can hear the echo of my children whingeing like reality show contestants. I would run around our house screaming like a lunatic if only I had the energy. Yesterday afternoon I ate too many red ones, blue ones, green ones, pink ones, yellow ones, orange ones, brown ones, purple ones, striped, spotted, dappled, multi coloured, mottled, dusted and sugar coated ones. There is a beautiful tree-lined street one block from my house and every Halloween the residents hold a street party/sugar orgy, handing out kilos of chocolate and lollies to all the kids. Word has gotten out in my part of the world that the costumes and decorations are fabulous and the hard stuff is freely available. People come from everywhere and the local clocks switch over to beer o’clock at about 3pm. Because I am a fabulous cheapskate mother, I painted my children’s faces green and sent them out to forage for their dinner. Keeping children off the sweet stuff is hard when you are a sugar substance abuser from way back. In order to keep my kids from developing a major addiction, I selflessly rationed their sweeties before tucking them in bed, then proceeded to scoff their lolly bags like a junkie at 8.30pm. I looked in the mirror at about midnight and my face resembled a Green M+M. So very attractive. Lucky for me it is the Day of the Dead today because I look like death warmed up. Single mother commandment no: 78: Thou shalt not skip lunch and dinner for dessert just because the neighbours are paying for the meal.
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Sorrow Comes Unsent For
Posted: October 15, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, WRITERS, WRITING | Tags: 1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage, babies we'll never know, Irma Gold Editor, Journeys Through Miscarriage, personal stories of loss, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, stories about miscarriage and pregnancy loss, the loss of a child, The Sound of Silence Book, The Sound of Silence book trailer Leave a commentToday is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, time to remember the babies I will never know. I wrote a story about one of them entitled Sorrow Comes Unsent For for an anthology of miscarriage stories called The Sound Of Silence.
This extract is taken from the blog of the book’s editor Irma Gold when the book won the Non Fiction award at the ACT Writing and Publishing Awards:
“An anthology about miscarriage seemed an unlikely winner, but win it did. The judges said:
‘The Sound of Silence was the stand-out winner on every level. This book proved to be compellingly readable, boasted good production design and evidenced careful, respectful editing. Although neither of the judges initially expected to be taken by this volume, both ultimately found it absorbing and uplifting. The writing was of the highest quality and deserves a readership well beyond its niche market. In short: An inspirational book and a clear winner.’
Their assessment recognises so many aspects of the book. For me, editing The Sound of Silence was a privilege. Many of the 22 writers had not previously been published, but they worked with me through the lengthy editing process with such grace and enthusiasm. This award acknowledges their strength and courage in telling stories that will help others affected by miscarriage.”
To buy the book click here:
The Sound of Silence Book
This is the trailer for the book:
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Seriously
Posted: September 5, 2013 Filed under: ART, COMEDY, Parenting | Tags: celebrating kids with learning difficulties, comedy shows with kids, Lou Pollard comedy shows, Lou Pollard in Parental Guidance., mother and daughter comedy shows, Parental Guidance from children, performing monkeys, silly shows for kids, silly shows with kids, Sydney Fringe Festival 2013, Sydney Fringe Festival shows, Tap Gallery Sydney Leave a commentW.C. Fields was a wise man. He said that one should never work with children or animals. Next week I’m performing two comedy shows with my youngest daughter who is 8 years old, with the energy of a mad monkey. The rehearsal process was going so, ahem, well, that now my 11 year old daughter has stepped in to help us. You can see our show on Saturday September 14 2013 at Tap Gallery theatre (upstairs) in Darlinghurst (at 2pm and 4pm). Two years ago, I performed with my youngest at Woodford Folk Festival when she was only six, and she stole the show. At one point she threw stuff at the audience, she was hilarious. I must be a sucker for punishment, because when she suggested we do more shows together I said yes. I’ve written, rehearsed and am about to perform the show with someone who is bonkers, and not on Ritalin. And her big sister has turned into the stage control freak, thank God. Anyone got a wild pig we can borrow for our show?
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How to talk to your daughter about her body
Posted: August 17, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting Leave a commentLove this post by Sarah Koppelkam
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Virgin birth
Posted: July 23, 2013 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: baby boy, copy shopping, crazy royal trivia, English Royal family, essential baby rearing items, guess the royal birthweight, insane royal memorabilia, Jane's Addiction - Been Caught Stealing, July 22 births, Kate Middleton, new English king, new heir to throne, new royal baby, royal baby obsession, royal baby watch, shopping as sport, shopping as therapy, sick bags, the joy of birth, trashy magazines Leave a commentAccording to No Idea and Women’s Monthly magazines, Prince William’s missus Kate Middleton has just given birth to the new Messiah. Baby supply shops had been rejoicing because in English speaking countries it is mandatory to copy shop for whatever a little royal tyke is wearing, eating and riding in. But after waiting up all night I can exclusively reveal that while every police officer in London was waiting outside the ‘royal’ hospital revealing important security details to every photographer with a tele photo lens, pregnant women across the English capital embarked on a shoplifting spree. Even women with newborns rushed out to snatch the most expensive designer pram they could find because, just like the royals, a mere stroller won’t do. It is very important that parents procure this essential item, because a pram is perfect as a clothes rack when that little baby turns six. When Duchess Kate was pregnant with her son she appeared at the opening of an envelope wearing a must-have modish potato sack which all women with pregnancy brain immediately rushed to snaffle from a high street shop. Women must spend hours shopping and fussing over baby outfits and pregnancy wear, we can’t have them wasting time on crazy, trivial feminist pursuits like changing the world can we?
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Goodbye school holidays….
Posted: July 16, 2013 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: Que Sera Sera, school holidays are over, Studio 360: Tim Minchin performs "When I Grow Up", Tim Minchin songs, Whatever will be will be, When Mummy grows up 2 Comments…it’s been real. I sent my daughters back to prison today, they’re not happy. I’ve told them they have to study hard and get really high paid jobs to keep me in style in my old age, but they don’t seem to be listening. As over-achieving children of a single mother they all want to drop out of school and bum around with me picking up the tab. Mummy says no. They can do that when I grow up.
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Dirty words
Posted: July 10, 2013 Filed under: Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: ACDC, ACDC - Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap - Bon Scott 1976, dirt, dirty little words, dusting, Erma Bombeck, Erma Bombeck Quotes, filth, futility of housework, housework, housework hell, potty mouth, potty-mouthed mothers, Single parenting, sweeping Leave a commentBucketing rain, school holiday cabin fever, I’ve run out of wine and I can’t stop swearing. I’d wash my own mouth out with soap but that would involve me doing more housework. As my children and their friends trash my house, dirty words occupy my mind: Mop, cook, scrub, dust. I have such a potty mouth more of them come tumbling out: sweep, vac, fetch, carry. Will I be remembered for the cleanliness of my bathroom or the whiteness of my sheets? I think not.
“Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity” Erma Bombeck
Or as my friend Vic says: “I always ignore everything on the floor that is smaller in size than a young child, for safety reasons of course.”
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Parental Guidance
Posted: June 13, 2013 Filed under: COMEDY, Parenting | Tags: celebrating kids with learning difficulties, clown, comedy with kids, live comedy for families, live comedy for kids, Lou Pollard in Parental Guidance., performing monkeys, silly shows for kids, stand up comedy for kids, Tap Gallery Sydney, W.C. Fields' quotes, working with children but not animals, working with kids' strengths not weaknesses 2 CommentsAccording to W.C. Fields one should never work with children or animals. In September I’m performing a comedy show with my youngest daughter who is 8 years old. If the rehearsal process doesn’t kill me you can come and see our show on September 14 2013 at Tap Gallery theatre (upstairs) in Darlinghurst. Yes it’s the day of the Federal Election, so go to the polling booth then come to our show to laugh off the fact that you’ve been subjected to an election campaign that lasted longer than most modern relationships. We’ll be celebrating with silliness and sanity saving parenting tips. In 2011, I performed with my youngest at Woodford Folk Festival when she was only six, and she stole the show. At one point she jumped on my back from the drum riser, put me in a headlock and took over. I must be a sucker for punishment, because when she suggested we do more shows together I said yes. Now I have to write, rehearse, promote, publicise, stage and perform the show with someone whom I love but who is a little bit bonkers. Did I mention she’s not on Ritalin? Anyone got a dog, a budgie and a feral cat we can borrow for our show?
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Sweet 16
Posted: May 23, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Self improvement, Single Motherhood, Thought For the Day | Tags: Beyonce, Could You Be?, destiny, fate, Gemini children, life changing events, love, May 23 birthdays, mothering, my favourite daughter, PRINCE, The Most Beautiful Girl In The World Leave a commentHappy birthday amazing, beautiful prototype child. You changed my life, waking me up to the beauty of the world and I love you for it.
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Champion Mothering
Posted: May 1, 2013 Filed under: Clown Doctors, LOVE, Parenting | Tags: champion mothers, childhood illnesses, children's hospitals, honorable professions, mother goddesses, nursing, resilient motherhood, selfless mothering, Sinead O'Connor - 3 babies, the love and toil of motherhood, unconditional love 6 CommentsI’ve just been overseas on holiday. I had a break from the hospitals I work at which really helped me understand how lucky I am. I have a great job, my health, three well kids and tons of friends. The mothers I encounter in the hospitals where I work aren’t so lucky. These women are true champions. If there were a parenting Olympics they would win every medal and no one would question whether they were on performance enhancing drugs. Their events are the unglamorous side of mothering. Aiding your child in hospital is not something they do to gain kudos or attention or to show their children off in public.
These women daily win gold medals for most hours of sleep deprivation, after months spent on fold out chairs beside their children’s beds.
Their silver medals are for enduring what most parents avoid. Watching your child in excruciating pain and not being able to do anything about it except buzz the nurses and doctors for more pain meds is an event I don’t want to be a part of.
They gain bronze for leaving the hospital at all hours, early morning to late at night to find something else for their child to eat or to go shopping for toys that will distract their children from pain when they could be resting.
Some of them even manage to have a shower and brush their hair or put on a bit of lippy. I can’t manage that some days.
They could whinge all day long (I would) but they don’t. They are funny and resilient and strong and they sing and laugh with us when they could be crying in a corner. I feel humble in their presence. They are goddesses walking the earth. I will start a new religion to worship these ladies, and the nurses who serve them day and night.
loupollard 