The funniest, funnest girl I ever met
Posted: November 29, 2012 Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE, Parenting, Raising Hell, Theme Songs, Thought For the Day | Tags: cheeky monkeys, Cliff Richard, Mike, Neil, November 29 birthdays, Rik, the last freedom moped out of nowhere, Vyvyan, Young Ones 5 CommentsEight years ago today I gave birth to a nutty little monkey. My youngest daughter is going to be a stunt woman, a truck and a punk when she grows up. She shouts and makes me laugh and I couldn’t imagine a peaceful life without her. Happy birthday Miss Zen
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I’m just a teenage dirtbag baby
Posted: October 20, 2012 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Self improvement | Tags: Crocs, fashion victims, Joe Dolce, living with teenagers, parenting problems, raising teenagers, Shaddap You Face, single mothers with fashion problems, too much make up Leave a commentLiving with a teenager feels like I have paid someone to hang shit on me every day. It’s great for my self worth to have someone tease me at regular intervals.
In the fashion stakes I’m in the mode of upgrading from slurry single mummy to fashionista, lead by my teenage daughter. She wears loads of make up. I don’t. She has clothes all over her bedroom floor. I try not to. I also try hard not to have tantrums about my needs not being met.
My wardrobe is improving but I wear Crocs to work. Just to make my teenager squirm. So daggy, but so practical. I bought my teenage fashion victim, I mean queen, a pair of Croc boots. She won’t wear them. Lucky I bought them in my size. This song is for you darling
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Batten down the hatches
Posted: June 28, 2012 Filed under: Parenting, Parents, Raising Hell, Self improvement | Tags: My Way, Nina Hagen, parenting is fun, school holiday torture Leave a commentParents, school holiday torture is imminent. Medication may be required. Stock up now while you can. Finish your sentences, drink a whole cup of coffee without interruption, go to the toilet on your own, do all the fun things you’ll be giving up in the coming weeks. Parenting is great when you do it your way.
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Yes Mum, everything’s fine
Posted: May 13, 2012 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Parents, Raising Hell, Theme Songs, Thought For the Day | Tags: Barbara Pollard, Barbie, mama, Mother Earth, mother lode, Mother Mother, mother of all days, Mother's Day Australia, mother's love, she built me in her belly, Tracey Bonham, World's best pavlova maker Leave a commentHappy, Happy Mother’s Day. Today is the day we say thank you to the woman who created us in her belly. Mothers love us more than anyone can and at the same time drive us completely mental. Even though I was the world’s most revolting teenager my mother would run in front of a train to save me. I’d do the same for my daughters, even though they think I’m bonkers and I make them crazy some days. I love you Mama. Thank you for having me and loving me. And for making your pavlova, no one has ever whipped up a pav better than you Barbara Pollard.
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New Year’s resolutions
Posted: December 30, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Self improvement, SONGS, Thought For the Day | Tags: Good Girls Gonna Go Bad, Happy New Year, New Year's resolutions, parenting, Tammy Wynette Leave a commentParents don’t really need to make resolutions, we’ve already given up everything, our sanity, our sleep and secure employment. But I have decided to make a few resolutions for 2012:
1. I will give up late night drunk dialling and adding provocative comments on the Facebook pages of spunky men in the New Year. I don’t think it’s helping my dating prospects.
2. I will eat green vegetables and chocolate will not be the only food group I consume when my kids aren’t with me.
3. I will wean myself off reading star sign/astrological forecasting/personal analysis websites (mostly).
4. I will exercise daily (including chocolate eating competitions)
5. I will become a sophisticated urban professional, find a nanny for my children and secure a high-powered executive position. Will work 15-hour days armed with lots of gadgets to make me look successful and I will act terribly important while nanny feeds and clothes my babies. Nanny will rescue me from the quagmire of my life. Damn, why can’t I invent something simple in my kitchen that makes me a million bucks?
6. I will abandon all resolutions by 6th January and carry on with my usual debauchery.
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School formals – Everybody Run
Posted: November 18, 2011 Filed under: Raising Hell, Self improvement, Theme Songs | Tags: end of school parties, HomeComing Queen's Got A Gun, Julie Brown, school formals Leave a commentThis is a song for all the Sydney school kids who were ripped off by the guy who said he’d organise their end of school parties, then took their money and ran. Hope the school kids catch up with you creep.
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School Holiday joy
Posted: July 4, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Thought For the Day | Tags: Mother Nature, parenting 2 CommentsAh, the first Monday of the first week of the school holidays. This morning I actually thought I would,
a) be able to finish a sentence
and
b) be able to finish a cup of coffee before it went cold
and
c) be able to put a load of washing on before my children started to maim each other.
My theory is that Mother Nature makes us naive enough to think that today will be different. This time I’ll be the perfect mother and my children will be characterless robots with clean bedrooms. How’s the serenity?
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Teenagers
Posted: May 23, 2011 Filed under: LOVE, Parenting, Raising Hell, SONGS | Tags: Barbie, Bee Gees, cougars, falsetto, minimalism, palaeolithic, parenting, Teenagers 1 CommentTeenagers are like Queensland, beautiful one day, a nightmare the next.
On Saturday my 14 year daughter glanced down at her floor-drobe. She had nothing to wear but clothes that were fashionable at breakfast time. All this while I turn into an aging cougar. Except that I am the anti-cougar, the tracksuit pants wearing tragedy in tired trainers, wishing I had some energy left over from mothering and working to desire a makeover.
This week teenage beast cleaned up her floor-drobe and turned into an interior design fascist. She wants me to be the queen of minimalism on a single mother budget. If her sisters place so much as a Barbie on the floor she screams.
She is also a control freak about the music we listen to at home. I mention the Bee Gees and she looked blank. I said,
“Back when dinosaurs roamed the earth there were three brothers who wore tight white pants and hair-drier-fluffy-wind-blown hair singing falsetto disco hits.”
“Shit mum, they sound Palaeolithic.” There is no one more hip than a teenager and no one who has ever suffered more.
So I dedicate this song to her. Whether you’re a mother or whether you’re a brother…..
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Raising Amazonia
Posted: April 19, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: Absolutely Fabulous, Amazonia, Amazons, Edina, happy single mothering, parenting, Saffy, single mother bliss, single mother sanity, single mothering, single mothers with attitude, solo mothering Leave a commentThe Amazons are a nation of all-female warriors in Classical antiquity and Greek mythology. Even though I have no formal training, I am raising three amazons:
Miss Maturity 14 – my shrink said there’s a touch of the Saffy and Edina (Absolutely Fabulous) relationship about us.
Miss Marshmallow 9 – she is sweet, soft and squishy.
And Miss Mental 5 – she is zany and hilarious, she has my crazy personality trapped in her father’s body.
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School holidaze
Posted: April 8, 2011 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: AC/DC - Highway to Hell Live, baked bean parenting, cheap single mother holidays, cheap single mothering, parenting, perfect mothers, school holidays, Single mother glamour, single mother holiday traditions, single mother staycations, summer holidays Leave a commentOther people have mongrel children, not me. My children will behave like angels throughout the long holidays, while I tut-tut at the whining monsters of my neighbours.
DAY ONE
Children with brushed hair happily eating five course dinner. Happy Mother
DAY TWO
Ten hours of Monopoly. In pyjamas until 4pm.
DAY THREE
Five hours at Build A Bear Workshop
DAY FOUR
Seven hours of Lego
DAY FIVE
Don’t hit your sister
DAY SIX
Don’t hit your sister
DAY SEVEN
Baked beans are fine for breakfast, lunch and dinner
Don’t back chat your mother
DAY EIGHT
Stop farting at the table
DAY NINE
“This family have taken a vow of silence.”
Don’t hit your sister
DAY TEN
“Shut up we are supposed to be having a spiritual experience!”
“Don’t hit your sister”
DAY ELEVEN
“Eat your frozen peas”
DAY TWELVE
“Your grandmother would really love it if you went to her house for lunch, then dinner, then breakfast. Sorry I can’t come I have to alphabetise my recipe books.”
“Mum you’ve never used a cookbook.”
DAY TWENTY THREE
“Kids we have run out of money. You will have to get a job.”
“But I’m only nine.”
“100 years ago I could have sent you down a coal mine to support me.”
DAY THIRTY THREE
Mother sitting on couch chewing finger nails down to the knuckle, tearing split ends out and other I-am-at-a fashionable-day-spa behaviour. Television explodes, so mother reads gossip magazines stolen from neighbours’ recycling bins. Happy, happy, most mags were new. Kids locked out in garden, can barely hear their fighting.
loupollard 