Man overboard

Posted: July 23, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: COMEDY, Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

On Wednesday September 24 and Friday September 26 I’m performing my new stand up comedy show Looking For Mike Brady at The Factory Theatre in Marrickville as part of the 2014 Sydney Fringe Festival. I’m hoping my huge number of fans will bring a car load of eligible males to each show so I can pick a new husband. Third time lucky. Don’t be shy fellas.

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

Very soon, perhaps next week, you can book tickets here: http://www.sydneyfringe.com

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCSpn9dEXVc

Gen X Lexicon

Posted: May 30, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, WRITING | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Generation X are a grungey group of never grown up kidults reared on early MTV while our parents were drink driving, dealing and divorcing; we remember the day Kurt Cobain died not the day JFK was shot. As a fully fledged Gen Xer, I started this list originally on a scrap of paper on Campbelltown train station when I spotted a 14-year-old girl wearing a Katherine Hamnett T-shirt last seen in a Wham video in 1983. She told me it was ‘vintage.’ Her remark made me realise that pop culture has gotten out of hand, so here is my translation service for the new millennium.

A is for AFFECTED
Elle Macpherson and Kylie Minogue’s strangulated speaking voices. Pretentious? Moi?

B is for BACK IN OUR DAY
Something we never thought we’d hear ourselves say

B is also for BO-HO
Stuff your mum wore in 1972

C is for COVER
Original version of the song sounds better

D is for DABBLING in every job that came along

E is for EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT
Glorified Receptionist

F is for FAUX
Overpriced copies made in China

F is for FITNESS INDUSTRY
Meatheads who get paid to work out, AKA I can’t fathom the cult of the personal trainer

F is also for FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Glorified waiter in the sky

G is for GRUNGE
You wore a flanny and a pair of ripped jeans because that was all you could afford. Apparently now it is an ironic fashion statement

H is for HEAVY Metal Music
We Gen X’ers lived through the glory days of Slayer, Metallica, Anthrax and Poison (not)

I is for IRONY, the defining characteristic of our generation

J is for JUSTIN BIEBER
Every generation has at least one heart throb. JB is this year’s Davy Jones, Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, Leif Garrett, or Mark Wahlberg

K is for KNEES UP
The Beastie Boys trained us to fight for our right to party

L is for LOVE
We loved Space Invaders, Doc Martens, Siouxsie, Ackadacka, 80s faaaashion and dancing ironically

M is for MOVING out of home as soon as you could. We were the last generation in the western world to do this

N is for NIRVANA, one of the defining bands of our generation

O is for ORIGINAL music, which last happened in the 1980s before talent shows took over the world

P is for PISSED off we didn’t buy a house when prices were cheap in major capital cities

Q is for QUALITY TIME, a phrase that helps us get away with not spending much time with our kids

R is for RETRO
Stuff your dad wore when he was 18

S is also for STATEMENT PIECES
Designer knock offs of 80s originals copied in Bangladesh

T is for TWITTER
Twats are people who send tweets about their every fart. I try not to worry my hypocritical little head about trying to make sense of the narcissism of social media

U is for USED
E.g. Cheap stuff bought on Gumtree then sold for ten times the price on Etsy

V is for VINTAGE CLOTHING
Overpriced second-hand stuff bought at Vinnies or the garage sale of a recently deceased old lady, resold to you by an opportunist on eBay at inflated prices. Opening your parcel you exclaim,
“Why didn’t I keep that polyester shirt and tie I wore with my winklepickers in 1983?”

W is for Wardrobe Malfunctions, think Janet Jackson, Al Grassby, Duran Duran videos circa 1982 and Sigue Sigue Sputnik

X is for XRAY vision AKA If I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have worried about a thing

Y is for Y is the generation after us such a bunch of entitled brats?

Z is for ZEITGEIST
A word we used a lot before we dropped out of our third university course

I’ve got an app for that

Posted: April 4, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Because I am a sad lonely old stylish stuck at home single mother I spend far too many nights binge posting on social media until the wee hours. Fuelled by cheap leftover Christmas sherry, one night I posted, ‘used my boobs to get out of a speeding fine’ on Facebook as a joke with a friend who lives in another city. It was my most popular post. Ever. And it was complete bullshit. I was home in my pyjamas sitting on the couch at the time. The only car I’ve driven in recent memory was my mate’s 1995 Daihatsu which couldn’t earn me a speeding fine unless I poured Red Bull into the fuel tank. The comments posted were priceless:

How much did you have to use them and could you go into a lot of detail please?

I did that too. But on CityRail…

Good girl, me too.

Luv it, excellent choice

Very impressed – that would not work for me

Can I borrow them sometime?

My type of gal! Damn I wish I could use my man boobs for anything.

Well done. Excellent work

Well I’m not surprised- they are particularly nice tits

Lucky cop. I’m proud of you

My brother said ‘I can’t believe someone in my family has acted in this way.’ Never worked for me. Not once.

(.) (.) life is good! Go Lou

I’m giving that a go… I tried the ‘trouser” option once…

Well done. Make ’em useful I say!

Noice work. So proud x

Picture please

Good for you! I do that all the time

Is this your most liked post ever? One of my favourite posts for a long time, you go girl, use it or lose it

Now come on they were paired with your charm and intelligent banter I’m sure they don’t get all the glory. Go Cougar Woman!

As I was feeling the lurve from other Farcebook addicts, I realised us Gen X-ers are very easy to please on the interwebs, a fart joke, a petition to sign, a flash of boobs or a cute cat to watch keeps us happy and bantering for hours. Us old bags don’t need too much digital interference or constant tech updates, we need connection.

Maybe all the upgrades and downloads are a way for young geeks to justify their hours at work? Apparently the young whipper snappers are leaving Facebook in droves, turning the once hot social media site into old fart book, which may lead to a name change. Come to Old Fart Book where dreary status updates about your new vacuum cleaner are not only welcome but encouraged.

Sorry Facebook, it’s been fun, but I do think your popularity has peaked. And I think I’ve found the latest, greatest bit of tech wizardry. The app that’s really hot right now is ‘Tap And Fart’, I use it at work all the time, especially the squeezed fart.

A letter from the President of Nigeria

Posted: March 25, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Attention / From The Zenith Bank of Nigeria
RE/NO: 009-Rbf/0067/2014

Attention

On behalf of the entire staff of the Zenith Bank of Nigeria and the Office of the president of Nigeria in collaboration with IMF and EU Office. We apologize for the delay of your contract payment, and all the inconveniences you encountered while pursuing this payment. However, from the records of outstanding due payment with the Zenith Bank of Nigeria, your name was discovered as next on the list of the outstanding beneficiary who have not yet received their payments.

I wish to inform you now that the square peg is now in square hole and your payment is being processed and will be released to you as soon as you respond to this letter via ATM card means of payment. so if you like to receive your fund this way, please let us know by contacting Mr. Bell Victor, and also re-confirm to him the following information’s in order to proceed immediately:

Your Full Name: ______________________________
Your Contact House Address: ______________________
Name of City of Residence:_______________________________
Country:____________________________________
Direct Telephone Number:________________________
Mobile Number:____________________________________
Working Identity Card/Int’l Passport:________________________________
AGE: ________________________________
OCCUPATION: ________________________________

However, kindly find below the contact person:
Mr. Bell Victor
A Director of the Zenith Bank Nigeria by profession
Email: vbell01@outlook.com

Note that from the record in the file, your outstanding payment is US$5,500,000.00 (Five Million five hundred United States Dollars). And the Zenith Bank of Nigeria has been mandated to issue out the sum of US$5,500,000.00 to you as part payment for this fiscal year 2014 as soon as you comply by re-confirming to Mr. Bell Victor the above mentioned details, and also your ATM card will be deliver to you immediately via courier company means of delivery without any holdup.

Finally, we want you to have in mind that because of impostors, we hereby issued you our code of Conduct, which is (ATMPC 6734) so you have to indicate this code when contacting the card center by using it as your subject.

Yours Sincerely,
Mr. Bell Victor
Director of the Zenith Bank Nigeria

So, the drinks are on me, my money will come through very shortly. I AM SURE. I also sent him my shoe size, the names of my childhood pets and my grandmother’s maiden name to GUARANTEE I get the money. Lucky me, I’ve won the single mother lottery, the square peg is now in square hole, and they’ve got a code of conduct.

The email plague is spreading

Posted: March 12, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Buying presents online makes me happy. I type in my order and the parcels get delivered to my house. Single mothers crave simplicity and we are happy when life is made easier. I would say we are a growing demographic but that piece of marketing speak makes me throw up in my mouth a little. What doesn’t make me happy is the growing demand for reviews from said companies. Click the link and tell us how we went, your feedback is important. No, it’s not. My daughter telling me she is pregnant or my best friend telling me she has cancer is important, filling out your online survey is not. Your product will not change my life, unless it can give me back the arse I had when I was 16 or the complexion I had on my 20th birthday.

Run away from me if you have the word ‘marketing’ in your job description, or you use the words social and innovation, or on-trend together, or you regularly describe food as ‘textural’. Marketing speak makes me retch. I don’t care about your jargon or your plans for your product. Like many modern working parents, I am overwhelmed, over worked and pressed for time, emails about how a product can enhance my life or make me happy don’t help, they clog up my inbox. I don’t want to hear from your company unless you are telling me about your discounts. Shazam-Wow marketing people can voice their opinion on stuff they have no knowledge of that doesn’t matter to anyone and I’m not going to read the emails. Newsletters are an increasing plague that cause despair. In 2014 I am deleting emails before I read them so I have time for far more important things like helping my children with their homework or looking at hot celebrity photos online.

Mr Lucky

Posted: February 28, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 8 Comments

When I was 21 years old my darling big brother was shot at point blank range in the head and lived to tell more tall tales. A pair of beautiful strangers helped him survive the attack and paid for his medicine and his travel. Not long after that my mother’s car was stolen after I’d borrowed it. The police found it later that night and when I went to the police station to collect it the young female cop said to me, “You don’t seem that stressed that the car is damaged.” I said to her, “It’s just a car, it can be fixed, my family and I don’t worry about inanimate objects any more.” I’m really lucky that I received a life lesson when I was young about what is important. A car is replaceable, people aren’t. Too often we worry about our stuff or how much we should spend to insure that stuff and it ain’t worth replacing. When I talk to the parents of kids who have survived terrible accidents or multiple operations or horrible illnesses they all tell me that they tend not to worry about the trivial stuff like the latest electricity bill any more. No one is going to read a list of the emails you replied to quickly at your funeral. If your child can’t go to preschool take the day off work, your report can wait. You may never have a day with just you and your four year old again, enjoy the precious moments reading a book in bed or doing a finger painting or talking about snot. Kiss people, hug them, tell them you love them, visit them with a bunch of motley flowers from your garden, don’t wait, just go, even if you can’t afford a present or don’t think you have time.

“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough” – Meister Eckhart

Today Tonight was axed and it’s all my fault

Posted: February 3, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

A few weeks ago I filmed a story for the TV show Today Tonight. During the shoot the cameraman remarked that my face seemed familiar to him. I told him that I’d had parts in Australian TV shows and commercials in the late 1990s and early 2000s so he may have filmed me for different production companies. Then I mentioned that a number of the TV shows had been axed in the weeks after my filming took place. Water Rats was axed two weeks after we shot my episode. Young Lions was axed weeks after I landed a part in it. Murder Call was taken off air about a week after my episodes went to air. Good Morning Australia was also discontinued after I filmed an infomercial for them. Swissh chocolate bars stopped being manufactured after I shot their commercial. All Saints lasted longer, that show finished years after I’d made a brief appearance. A Channel 9 make up artist even remarked while she was doing my make up that I was the kiss of death for Australian TV dramas during that time, after she did my make up she always seemed to lose her job. So now Today Tonight has been axed in Sydney, Melbourne and Brisbane. Oops! Fingers crossed Guide To The Good Life and Saturday Disney are rating well, when I appear as a Clown Doctor on a TV show they seem to stay on air. Maybe I’ll try out for Big Brother, with any luck my TV performing jinx will get it removed from the airwaves.

A horse is a horse of course

Posted: January 31, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

2014 is the Chinese Year of the Wood Horse, starting today. In Chinese astrology I’m a fire horse, which means this year I’ll be galloping into even more chaotic adventures than usual.
Horses are headstrong and haughty, the rebel and the dandy of Chinese astrology. Valiant horses love speed, adventure and freedom.

Now that the Chinese New Year has started, this horse has a few serious resolutions:
I will find room to roam
I will avoid fire starters
I will search out wide, open spaces
I will avoid Water Rats at all costs
I will fight for my rights
I will try to horse around

Xin Nian Kuai Le

I know I’m single, maybe I like it

Posted: January 23, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, Single, Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Maybe I don’t. Facebook is offering me so many potential step fathers for my children I can’t decide which one to marry, they all speak good Engrish ‘n that.

I’m loving that I told the Facebook robot that I’m single, because I’m really enjoying the specificity of Facebook’s targeted advertising.
Dear Facebook ads
Do I want to connect with
Aboriginal singles
Local firemen
US sperm donors
Local Christians?

I’m also loving the requests and messages I’m receiving on Facebook too, some of them from famous men. The problem is that I’m spoilt for choice.

HELLO FROM MISS MERCY
I saw your profile in the face book and i was so interested i will like to have a good love relationship with you please write me back not in the face book please my dear so that i can send you my pictures
with love
yours mercy

Hello pretty, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.just glanced through your profile and photos,I must really say you look charming,nice, magnificent and gorgeous in your picture..I don’t mind if I get to know you better,would really love to be your friend…i await your response.

hi lovely theophilus ,i am very happy to see your reply,and i am happy that you are a christian,i too is a christian,i am happy that i meet somebody like you in internet,i am single never married,i am 30yrs old,i need a very straight woman that i will live the rest of my life with ,i am from Africa,and i really have interest on foreign woman, so that i will learn the culture of other country,i am a guy that believe in truth,carering,loving and trusting,i am a hard working some one who believe in spiritual,and i am a new person in internet,because before i wrote to you i fasted and pray,for gods favour.count on me i will make my self a part of your family,love you so much,hopping to hear from you,

My name is Jeremy, I have a friendly feelings. I saw your profile today and i decide to leave a message for you, I like the gentleness in your eyes which shows sincerity, I will like us to get to know each other better hope to read from you soon …..cheers.

Hello dear how are you.i hope you are doing fine,i was delighted when i got to your profile,and i hope you can give me a chance to be a good friend to you.well hope i can read from you soon.

hello pretty
how are you doing hope you are doing great i saw your picture here on Facebook it really caught my heart i am new here i will love to get to know you more better my dear i mark smith i live in UK London
Am a man of dignity, sincere,honest,dedicated, responsible, patience,passionate, affectionate, loving, caring and adventurous.I don’t care about distance, provided you are for real, and ready for a long term relationship am ready to settle down and be with you sooner than you can ever imagine.
perhaps we could set up conversation to know each other more better,
I look forward to hearing from you, Till then. Have a loving day best love always,
smith…

How are you today? You look good can i get to know you more ?? I am really warm my face with smile after coming close to your profile , You look so special.I always feel so honored and happy to know you..I’m a single father .
Can we be good friends?
I’m Harry..

Hello? My name Paul Simon I’m interested in knowing you and being friendly with you . I would appreciate it if we get acquainted as soon as possible . I quite believe we can start from here since it takes a moment to know someone. From Paul Simon

It is my pleasure communicating with you for the first time and believing that it will lead to a better relationship. I was looking through my face book profile and i actually stop on your page. i live here in America ,single and hoping to fine nice company.i hope we try to get to know each other ,start a conversation if that’s fine with you.i am just an easy going person, don’t mean to disturb you. Please permit me to inform you my mind, because I have made up my mind to express my feelings and my present condition to you. Please never be offended. I hope distance and colour has nothing to do with this matter. I have no problems with age difference between you and I, i so much believe that my freedom will come through your good help.

Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholders..Oh my God, you are so cute and beautiful..never knew there were still angels on earth.I will like to know more about you if you don’t mind.My name is Adrian Bowen and I am from Germany.Take care and have a wonderful day.

You are really pretty
Words can’t express your beauty, Are you from this planet?
Tell me whatever cream you apply that made you so fresh and sparkling. LOL
Can we be friends here? my names are Raymond Harry and i work as U.S army in american, please don’t hesitate to write to me back cos that’s the only way we can communicate for now…a

Hi my dear,
Is said to be a day that Great friends meet and become great, i stopped by on your profile , as this your profile
picture got me attracted and made me to be interest to know you more, am sorry for batching into your privacy
inbox with my message to you without your permision i wish to be your friend and to know you more? please
reply to my message immediately you read it.
best regard
sincerely yours
Richard David
GBU

I’m so in awe of their flattering words and fabulous punctuation, I think I’ll have to take votes from my readers, which lovely suitor should I choose? Raymond, Richard, Erika, Harry, Mercy, Adrian, Jeremy or Paul Simon?

A list of resolutions to be broken by Wednesday week

Posted: December 30, 2013 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Goodbye 2013, you went past in a flash. Hello sexy new year 2014. Suddenly all my annoying habits will vanish when the clock strikes midnight on December 31. In 2014 I will:
Sleep
Brush my hair
Keep tolerating fools (they are my colleagues after all)
Eat green vegies
Drink only the best champagne (yeah right, mid January I’ll be drinking whatever cheap plonk I can find)
Sleep
Quit time wasting social media addictions
Be a Zen master of motherhood and remain composed at all times (my children are rolling their eyes at that one)
I will not waste my days playing mindless electronic games
Play the ukulele like a boss
Run, jump, hop, skip
Be a good friend
Cherish my babies
Sing my heart out
Kiss more often
Swim like a dolphin in warm water in an ocean I’ve never swum in before
Help someone kick cancer’s arse
Travel places I’ve never been
See old friends and make new ones
Eat lots of green vegies and behave like a macro neurotic nun
Roller skate more now I’ve got a shiny new pair of wheels
Go overseas
Boogie
Follow my passion
Write my heart out
Keep chasing rainbows
Hug more friends
Find a cure for head lice
Laugh like a drain, but I’ll try to sound more like a gurgling stream

What’s on your resolution list?

Marvin Gaye – Got To Give It Up

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