Karma
Posted: December 9, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement, Theme Songs | Tags: action, breathe, Buddhist teachings, Daisaku Ikeda, dirty deeds, driving the karma bus, forgiveness, I ask myself, Karma, Karma Police, like a detuned radio, love, mindfulness, mirrors, peace, Radiohead, reaction, sanskrit, single mother sanity, this is what you get, time is more powerful than you, universal laws, yoga Leave a commentAccording to recent traffic reports the karma bus is coming with it’s engine revved and I’m not in the driver’s seat.
“It is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda
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Thou shalt not steal from thy children
Posted: November 1, 2013 Filed under: Parenting, Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: All hallows Eve, All Saints Day, beer o'clock, cheapskate mothering, Grandmaster Flash, halloween, halloween hangovers, healthy meals, substance abuse, sugar addiction, The Day of the Dead, Trick or treating with kids, White Lines 4 CommentsToday is the Day of the Dead and All Saints’ Day.
4.15am. I am woken by a Halloween sugar hangover from hell, my tummy is about to explode and in my head I can hear the echo of my children whingeing like reality show contestants. I would run around our house screaming like a lunatic if only I had the energy. Yesterday afternoon I ate too many red ones, blue ones, green ones, pink ones, yellow ones, orange ones, brown ones, purple ones, striped, spotted, dappled, multi coloured, mottled, dusted and sugar coated ones. There is a beautiful tree-lined street one block from my house and every Halloween the residents hold a street party/sugar orgy, handing out kilos of chocolate and lollies to all the kids. Word has gotten out in my part of the world that the costumes and decorations are fabulous and the hard stuff is freely available. People come from everywhere and the local clocks switch over to beer o’clock at about 3pm. Because I am a fabulous cheapskate mother, I painted my children’s faces green and sent them out to forage for their dinner. Keeping children off the sweet stuff is hard when you are a sugar substance abuser from way back. In order to keep my kids from developing a major addiction, I selflessly rationed their sweeties before tucking them in bed, then proceeded to scoff their lolly bags like a junkie at 8.30pm. I looked in the mirror at about midnight and my face resembled a Green M+M. So very attractive. Lucky for me it is the Day of the Dead today because I look like death warmed up. Single mother commandment no: 78: Thou shalt not skip lunch and dinner for dessert just because the neighbours are paying for the meal.
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Elegant laziness
Posted: October 8, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: botox, elegant laziness, frowning and smiling look the same, I can't move my face, I look like a startled possum, no expression, no wrinkles on me, plastic surgery envy, Right Said Fred - I`m Too Sexy, single mother dreaming, trashy magazines promoting envy 1 CommentNow my children are back at reform school I can relax and think about myself again. Today I filled my head with intellectual information from Women’s Monthly magazine (I think that’s what it is called). I want wrinkle-free botoxed skin like the smooth faced actresses who pretend not to have had plastic surgery. I am addicted to the lifestyle promoted by trash rag magazines; I want a life of elegant laziness, relying solely on my good looks. Unfortunately as I am almost 30 years old I think I may have left my run a bit late.
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Arr, arr, arr, ahoy me hearties
Posted: September 19, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: bucaneers, International Talk Like A Pirate Day, land lubbers, Nick Cave, Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds - The Ship Song, pirate birthdays, Pirate queens, pirate talk, pirates Leave a commentToday is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. I grew up in Crows Nest and it’s my birthday today so I was born to be a bucaneer. Yo, ho, ho and a bottle of rum, hoist the mizzen
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RU OK?
Posted: September 12, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Self improvement | Tags: ask your friends and neighbours RU OK?, Don Ritchie OAM, Gavin Larkin, Gavin Larkin legacy, great Australians making a difference, helping others, Mental health, national day of action, National RU OK day, RU OK, start a conversation, suicide prevention Leave a commentRU OK Day is a national day of action in Australia which aims to reduce suicide by encouraging people to connect with each other and ask “RU OK?” I have dear friends whose lives have been deeply affected by family suicide and I have seen the pain left behind.
R U OK? Day was inspired by the death of Barry Larkin (1940 – 1995). Barry was a fascinating and successful business management consultant who took his own life. His son Gavin Larkin (1968-2011) partnered with television producer Janina Nearn in 2008 to develop a campaign that would inspire Australians to stay connected and support people doing it tough.
R U OK?Day was launched in 2009 in Canberra. R U OK? is dedicated to Barry and all people who have died through suicide, and to the family and friends who love them. Please visit: www.ruokday.com
Reach out and try to help, a conversation could save a life. Who will you ask?
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You want me to buy what?
Posted: September 2, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement, Single | Tags: Facebook bots are watching me, Facebook consultants, Facebook robots, finding a mate through social media, ignite the flames of love, Mad World - Gary Jules, melt unwanted fat, Michel Gondry, old, single, single mother fears, social media sales pitches, social media weight loss ads, somebody's trying to tell me something, targeted marketing campaigns, Tears For Fears songs, Tedious advertising campaigns, twitter trolls, wrinkly 4 CommentsDear Facebook I may not be old, single and wrinkly.
As a single mother busting my butt to promote my gigs I’ve recently become a social media whore bag. And Facebook has responded by stalking me with two kinds of ads. Ignite the flame of love again and lose some weight ye old fatty boom bah. Is Facebook trying to give me a hint? Facebook keeps filling my news feed with lots of ads that read something like this:
Try the trick that worked for this 470-year-old wrinkle free woman. Chopping off her head. Want more tips for wrinkle free skin?
Mums aged 90+ are losing all their flabby bits with this simple trick:
Amputation
Melt unwanted belly fat, extra bosoms and your large arse with a fat melting tool called an iron. Ladies you can get rid of 67% of wrinkles by ironing your face. And shave off 10 years of wrinkles by shaving off your craggy old facial skin because wrinkle free is all you want as a woman.
Mums who are 75 but look 7 are losing weight and losing their brain cells and muscle tone by the minute. Maybe I can add to my single mother’s pension by selling these attractive supplements?
Can you drop six dress sizes in a week? I can drop four dresses of different sizes at Vinnie’s in about five minutes.
Maybe I’ve already lost 47kg in six weeks. Maybe I’m really toned, tanned and terrific. Did you even think about that Facebook robot people? Maybe I’ve already found the secrets to a hot bod.
When I’m not being told I’m old and ugly Facebook are helping me to find my soul mate or trying to help me keep my one true love.
How to make your guy really love you, you can become hopeless and irresistible around Alpha males reads their latest ad.
I’m so excited. I will find a Facebook consultant (yes they exist) to help me and very soon I’ll be pretty and skinny and wrinkle free with the love of my life.
All this at the same time as emails proclaiming FREE ACCESS TO LOCAL SLUTS arrive in my inbox every day. I read one of these emails and as a very single mother I was disappointed to see that my name was not on their list of local slappers.
Hopefully my next social media highlight will be some nasty Twitter trolls calling me a filthy old tart.
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The robbed that smiles steals something from the thief
Posted: August 31, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: Carole Bayer Sager - You're Moving Out Today (1977), freedom, Hope, moving on from people with NPD, my life and I can do what I like with it, Othello Act I Scene III, overcoming DV, resilience, single ladies, singledom, survival, William Shakespeare quotes Leave a commentToday I’m celebrating four years of freedom.
Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance - Oscar Wilde
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Madiba
Posted: July 17, 2013 Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: 46664 charity, 67 minutes, 67 years of service, African leaders, ANC, charity and community work, free Nelson Mandela, JULY 18 BIRTHDAYS, Madiba, Mandela Day, NELSON MANDELA, Nobel Peace prize winners, peace, President of South Africa, The Specials AKA 2 CommentsIn May 1986 I stood singing outside the South African embassy in London for a few weeks with a bunch of other ratbag protestors hoping that our combined voices could help free Nelson Rolihlahla Mandela. I only knew about him because of the song by The Specials AKA. He was freed in 1990. I don’t think it was because of our singing. Nelson Mandela was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in 1993. Madiba’s health may be ailing but we can look to him for inspiration.
Tomorrow is Mandela Day. All you have to do on July 18 is donate 67 minutes of your day to doing something good in any way you can. Nelson Mandela gave 67 years of his life to the struggle for social justice. Can you spare 67 minutes of yours to support a charity or serve your local community? Make every day a Mandela Day.
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Startled possum
Posted: June 30, 2013 Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: ageing, ageing gracefully, charitable causes, crowdfunding, fake boobs, fake plastic face, harried mothers with worried faces, looking your best, plastic surgery, The Waitresses I Know What Boys Like 2 CommentsPlastic surgery? Yes please. I want to look like a Siamese cat in a wind tunnel and kid myself that I have the skin I had when I was nineteen. I don’t want anyone to see my forehead move, I want my teeth to glow in the dark and a double helping of trout pout please. Mr Surgeon I want the Nicole Kidman I haven’t had surgery look. I want rocks on my chest, I don’t want my boobs to move when I jog out of the water at the beach. When you have the mental age of a 15 year old it sucks to have the skin of a 40 something harried mumma. Years of smoking, sun damage, partying and parental sleep deprivation have not been kind to my face. I’ve had a fabulous full life but does every crevice on my forehead have to show that? Banking institutions aren’t that keen to give me a loan to fund my new cougar on heat face so I’ll have to start a crowdfunding, donate to me I’m a worthwhile charitable cause website to procure funds for my new face. Just need to think up a name for my new charity. How about Face it, I’m fabulous?
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Shopping for a mate on the internet
Posted: June 25, 2013 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement, Single, TRAVEL | Tags: bad Badoo matches, big and stupid, desperate and dateless cocker spaniel lover, e-Harmony bad matches, internet dating, Julie Brown, looking for love online, old ladies dating toy boys, RSVP dating, shopping for new men Leave a commentI joined Badoo, E-Harmony and RSVP and numerous other internet dating sites about two years ago. I wrote profiles and answered a million questions but never followed them up. It was too overwhelming and scary and as my girlfriends tell me I am a ‘bad picker’ so I couldn’t tell if some hot guy was right for me anyway. Today I had a look at the quality of available males and my main thought was still, ‘Am I bothered?’
BADOO
I checked out 24 year old Marius with a view of the Alps in the back of his photo. I’d love a toy boy but long distance, need help from a translator because I don’t speak German and I’m terrified about his music taste because I haven’t heard of most of it because he was born in the 80s when I was partying hard, and he’d be up for a relationship with an old bag like me? No thank you.
E Harmony
Do I really want to meet Brenton from Belconnen? Apparently he is a highly compatible match, but he smokes, likes motocross and doesn’t read books. I don’t know what motocross is, I’m a hypocritical two packs a day ex-smoker, now rabidly on my soapbox about non-smoking because cancer sticks cause death, and I’ll read a cereal packet if I can’t get my daily reading fix. And why did I tick the box that said I’d be up for a date with anyone anywhere in the world? Brenton lives in Canberra.
RSVP
Nice guys, oozing sincerity but why are they all so bad at spelling? Why can’t these men use a spell check before they post their desperation on the internet? And they’re in their 40s and they want their own child and/or they want a step parent for their children. Me as a step mother? I would be a wicked stepmother, and I don’t mean that in a wick-ed cool way. I would be a nightmare stepmother favouring my own children over anyone else’s kids.
Am I being too fussy? Maybe I just don’t want a new husband. I think I’d rather buy a male cocker spaniel who will love and worship me unconditionally.
loupollard 