Monkey mother

As a Southern Hempisphere mother I become bery, bery happy in February; the weather is hot, the days are long and the kids are finally back at school after the endless summer holidays. To add to my excitement on the second Friday of the first term my kids came home from school and started scratching like mossie infested marmosets as they put down their school bags.

One sentence from my baby girl,

“Mum my head’s itchy, the teacher said it was headlice season,” had me reaching for my merlot medication hours earlier than usual. FORK! ‘ucken bloody head lice. Tis the season to be scratching and self medicating through the long lonely hours of picking. That night, like the model chimpanzee mother that I am, I stood over my children and combed and scratched and grabbed the critters with my pincer-like fingers.  I was so happy to give up a social engagement with a bunch of fabulous old friends so my munchkins could be egg free by Sunday night. As I toiled, I sang my favourite Dusty Springfield song, ‘Wishin’ an’ pickin’ an’ sprayin’ an’ hopin’ that they’re gone’.

I must have picked out around a gazillion of the little creatures. It was tiring, and I sacrificed a lot, but I am so proud that I achieved a personal best – highest overall headlice count in 15 years of mothering three daughters with long hair. I am on fire. And it’s only the second month of the year. I had to drink a long neck of VB to celebrate.


Parental torture

My beautiful children have now gone back to their day release penitentiary after the longest summer break in recorded history and our school music teacher is helping me stay sane with gifts that keep on giving. She suggested that on my limited single mother budget I could buy my youngest child a parental torture device AKA a recorder. Why? Will it help her learn to be musical? No. Will it promote family harmony? A trillion times no. A moody teenager and an eight year old practising recorder in the next room are not a happy mix. I can already hear the howls of protest. I looked on youtube and there are young whipper snappers playing recorder while Celine Dion sings. Double torture. Please make them stop. Apparently there are different kinds of recorder, soprano, vibrato, psycho, they all sound like hell to me. Mummy says no.


The Prophet – Single Mother translation

In his epic poem, The Prophet, Khalil Gibran summed up beautifully what is special in this life.

Children.

“a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “speak to us of children,” and he said:

Your children are not your children.

You’ve just leased them until they are 18 on a ridiculously expensive payment plan

They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

Well, actually Khalil I created them in my body, as a man you may not get the enormity of that concept. And as I recall they ripped right through me.

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

Especially when they are online chatting with their friends

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

Except when they haven’t done any homework or housework or don’t text you when they said they would, then you can give them a few choice thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

They surely do, especially the 14 year old girls

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

Even when their bodies are dressed like white trash bimbo pole dancers

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

Except when they are selling their souls to Facebook and tumblr and you are paying for the internet access. Then you can get your friends to spy on their blogs.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Note to Lou: please don’t dress like your 15 year old daughter, you will look like mutton dressed as mutton. And teenage daughter will not borrow my ruched bright 1980s clothing.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

There is nothing you can do about breeding with someone who is located very far down the food chain, so don’t waste time regretting it.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;

So your scrubbing, washing and bending over backwards will go unnoticed by everyone except your girlfriends who understand the toil and the sacrifices of single motherhood.

For even as he loves the arrow that flies,

So I teach my children that love flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana

so he loves also the bow that is stable.

All mothers must be stable according to Khalil. No drunken party animals need apply. That means I’m out of a job then.


Single mother club

I am a member of an association I didn’t want to join. A card carrying crazy haired mummy in tracksuit pants, wearing bare feet, I am doing single motherhood the feral way. According to studies, single motherhood is not a pathway to physical nor mental wellness, more like emotional chaos.

My family was way ahead of the trend when it comes to single mothering. My paternal grandmother and my maternal great grandmother were both single mothers way before it became fashionable. When I am exhausted I think of my dad’s mother raising two children on her own in the 1930s and 40s, a time when single parenting was not chic. She couldn’t open a bank account nor get a loan because she had no husband.

My mission is to share the joys of single parenting. I don’t mind being single, it’s the single parenting I struggle with. My friends tell me I should be looking for the next man I’m going to break up with, but right now I think it is

Better to be alone than in bad company

I don’t want to be a single mum cougar, ogling young men on a Saturday night. Young men who are emotionally living on another planet. And their taste in music is appalling. I don’t want a grandpa either, I’m not that desperate.

But I’m sure I’m not the only single smother who behaves like a debauched old tart when the children stay at their father’s girlfiend’s place.

I don’t like to bash men on my blog, just tenderise them…


Raising Amazonia

The Amazons are a nation of all-female warriors in Classical antiquity and Greek mythology. Even though I have no formal training, I am raising three amazons:

Miss Maturity 14 – my shrink said there’s a touch of the Saffy and Edina (Absolutely Fabulous) relationship about us.

Miss Marshmallow 9 – she is sweet, soft and squishy.

And Miss Mental 5 – she is zany and hilarious, she has my crazy personality trapped in her father’s body.


School holidaze

Other people have mongrel children, not me. My children will behave like angels throughout the long holidays, while I tut-tut at the whining monsters of my neighbours.

DAY ONE

Children with brushed hair happily eating five course dinner. Happy Mother

DAY TWO

Ten hours of Monopoly. In pyjamas until 4pm.

DAY THREE

Five hours at Build A Bear Workshop

DAY FOUR

Seven hours of Lego

DAY FIVE

Don’t hit your sister

DAY SIX

Don’t hit your sister

DAY SEVEN

Baked beans are fine for breakfast, lunch and dinner

Don’t back chat your mother

DAY EIGHT

Stop farting at the table

DAY NINE

“This family have taken a vow of silence.”
Don’t hit your sister

DAY TEN

“Shut up we are supposed to be having a spiritual experience!”

“Don’t hit your sister”

DAY ELEVEN

“Eat your frozen peas”

DAY TWELVE

“Your grandmother would really love it if you went to her house for lunch, then dinner, then breakfast. Sorry I can’t come I have to alphabetise my recipe books.”

“Mum you’ve never used a cookbook.”

DAY TWENTY THREE

“Kids we have run out of money. You will have to get a job.”

“But I’m only nine.”

“100 years ago I could have sent you down a coal mine to support me.”

DAY THIRTY THREE

Mother sitting on couch chewing finger nails down to the knuckle, tearing split ends out and other I-am-at-a fashionable-day-spa behaviour. Television explodes, so mother reads gossip magazines stolen from neighbours’ recycling bins. Happy, happy, most mags were new. Kids locked out in garden, can barely hear their fighting.