Plastic surgery? Yes please. I want to look like a Siamese cat in a wind tunnel and kid myself that I have the skin I had when I was nineteen. I don’t want anyone to see my forehead move, I want my teeth to glow in the dark and a double helping of trout pout please. Mr Surgeon I want the Nicole Kidman I haven’t had surgery look. I want rocks on my chest, I don’t want my boobs to move when I jog out of the water at the beach. When you have the mental age of a 15 year old it sucks to have the skin of a 40 something harried mumma. Years of smoking, sun damage, partying and parental sleep deprivation have not been kind to my face. I’ve had a fabulous full life but does every crevice on my forehead have to show that? Banking institutions aren’t that keen to give me a loan to fund my new cougar on heat face so I’ll have to start a crowdfunding, donate to me I’m a worthwhile charitable cause website to procure funds for my new face. Just need to think up a name for my new charity. How about Face it, I’m fabulous?
I joined Badoo, E-Harmony and RSVP and numerous other internet dating sites about two years ago. I wrote profiles and answered a million questions but never followed them up. It was too overwhelming and scary and as my girlfriends tell me I am a ‘bad picker’ so I couldn’t tell if some hot guy was right for me anyway. Today I had a look at the quality of available males and my main thought was still, ‘Am I bothered?’
I checked out 24 year old Marius with a view of the Alps in the back of his photo. I’d love a toy boy but long distance, need help from a translator because I don’t speak German and I’m terrified about his music taste because I haven’t heard of most of it because he was born in the 80s when I was partying hard, and he’d be up for a relationship with an old bag like me? No thank you.
Do I really want to meet Brenton from Belconnen? Apparently he is a highly compatible match, but he smokes, likes motocross and doesn’t read books. I don’t know what motocross is, I’m a hypocritical two packs a day ex-smoker, now rabidly on my soapbox about non-smoking because cancer sticks cause death, and I’ll read a cereal packet if I can’t get my daily reading fix. And why did I tick the box that said I’d be up for a date with anyone anywhere in the world? Brenton lives in Canberra.
Nice guys, oozing sincerity but why are they all so bad at spelling? Why can’t these men use a spell check before they post their desperation on the internet? And they’re in their 40s and they want their own child and/or they want a step parent for their children. Me as a step mother? I would be a wicked stepmother, and I don’t mean that in a wick-ed cool way. I would be a nightmare stepmother favouring my own children over anyone else’s kids.
Am I being too fussy? Maybe I just don’t want a new husband. I think I’d rather buy a male cocker spaniel who will love and worship me unconditionally.
I’ve just been to Thailand and while I was there my daughter and I developed an obsession with the beauty of the local lady boys. I don’t mean meathead rugby league players dressed up as women. I’m talking about drop dead gorgeous looking, I want to look like her, erhmegerd I want her body, you are incredible, you are so pretty ladies. I got excited every time we saw one of these divine specimens on the street or the train. In 35 degree heat and high humidity their make up was flawless. I only saw one trashy, out of it lady boy at the markets. Thai Lady Boys have perfected the art of flirtatious flattery. A male Western friend who lives in Bangkok told us, “If I’m feeling low, I go to where there are a lot of lady boys and they all tell me I’m hot.” They didn’t tell me that.
I’m performing a show for the 2013 Sydney Fringe Festival on 19, 20 and 21 September called Lou Pollard is Not Suitable For Children. It’s laugh out loud comedy with attitude. Breeders and non breeders welcome.
According to Freud it’s the role of the mother to mess with the child’s psyche and Lou Pollard has been doing her share, from shoplifting to stealing her children’s tooth fairy money. Sensational stand up with a show stopping song finale.
On the first Friday of every month I get together with a bunch of funny chicks and a few lady men and attempt to make people laugh. A lot. My fellow fools and I host Comedy On Tap Sydney at Tap Gallery in Darlinghurst. I’m the youngest child in my family so I’ve been trying to divert people’s anger with my humour all my life. To quote Shakespeare “I was born to speak all mirth and no matter” (Much Ado About Nothing). It’s a laugh innit?