A horse is a horse of course

Posted: January 31, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

2014 is the Chinese Year of the Wood Horse, starting today. In Chinese astrology I’m a fire horse, which means this year I’ll be galloping into even more chaotic adventures than usual.
Horses are headstrong and haughty, the rebel and the dandy of Chinese astrology. Valiant horses love speed, adventure and freedom.

Now that the Chinese New Year has started, this horse has a few serious resolutions:
I will find room to roam
I will avoid fire starters
I will search out wide, open spaces
I will avoid Water Rats at all costs
I will fight for my rights
I will try to horse around

Xin Nian Kuai Le

Good on ya ripper bewdy mate

Posted: January 26, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: AUSTRALIA | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

When my children ask me questions about 26 January 1788, I try to be an intelligent, thoughtful single mother. I like to remind them that in 1994 some idiot politician decided it would be called Australia Day, AKA ‘today I have a license to be a redneck racist day.’ And Aboriginal people remember it very differently to white people. For Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people, it is Invasion Day and Survival Day, a celebration of the survival of people and culture. Australians hold different views on what 26 January means to them. I’d like to explain to my gals in an all encompassing, feminist-leaning, intersectional, embracing all cultures and values kind of way what Australia Day means, but we need to change the date. Some people get choked up with a false sentiment of the day and put it like this:
Happy Straya Day youse are all tops, onya, get a yabbie up ya, chuck a coldie down ya neck cobber.

I know I’m single, maybe I like it

Posted: January 23, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Self improvement, Single, Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Maybe I don’t. Facebook is offering me so many potential step fathers for my children I can’t decide which one to marry, they all speak good Engrish ‘n that.

I’m loving that I told the Facebook robot that I’m single, because I’m really enjoying the specificity of Facebook’s targeted advertising.
Dear Facebook ads
Do I want to connect with
Aboriginal singles
Local firemen
US sperm donors
Local Christians?

I’m also loving the requests and messages I’m receiving on Facebook too, some of them from famous men. The problem is that I’m spoilt for choice.

HELLO FROM MISS MERCY
I saw your profile in the face book and i was so interested i will like to have a good love relationship with you please write me back not in the face book please my dear so that i can send you my pictures
with love
yours mercy

Hello pretty, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.just glanced through your profile and photos,I must really say you look charming,nice, magnificent and gorgeous in your picture..I don’t mind if I get to know you better,would really love to be your friend…i await your response.

hi lovely theophilus ,i am very happy to see your reply,and i am happy that you are a christian,i too is a christian,i am happy that i meet somebody like you in internet,i am single never married,i am 30yrs old,i need a very straight woman that i will live the rest of my life with ,i am from Africa,and i really have interest on foreign woman, so that i will learn the culture of other country,i am a guy that believe in truth,carering,loving and trusting,i am a hard working some one who believe in spiritual,and i am a new person in internet,because before i wrote to you i fasted and pray,for gods favour.count on me i will make my self a part of your family,love you so much,hopping to hear from you,

My name is Jeremy, I have a friendly feelings. I saw your profile today and i decide to leave a message for you, I like the gentleness in your eyes which shows sincerity, I will like us to get to know each other better hope to read from you soon …..cheers.

Hello dear how are you.i hope you are doing fine,i was delighted when i got to your profile,and i hope you can give me a chance to be a good friend to you.well hope i can read from you soon.

hello pretty
how are you doing hope you are doing great i saw your picture here on Facebook it really caught my heart i am new here i will love to get to know you more better my dear i mark smith i live in UK London
Am a man of dignity, sincere,honest,dedicated, responsible, patience,passionate, affectionate, loving, caring and adventurous.I don’t care about distance, provided you are for real, and ready for a long term relationship am ready to settle down and be with you sooner than you can ever imagine.
perhaps we could set up conversation to know each other more better,
I look forward to hearing from you, Till then. Have a loving day best love always,
smith…

How are you today? You look good can i get to know you more ?? I am really warm my face with smile after coming close to your profile , You look so special.I always feel so honored and happy to know you..I’m a single father .
Can we be good friends?
I’m Harry..

Hello? My name Paul Simon I’m interested in knowing you and being friendly with you . I would appreciate it if we get acquainted as soon as possible . I quite believe we can start from here since it takes a moment to know someone. From Paul Simon

It is my pleasure communicating with you for the first time and believing that it will lead to a better relationship. I was looking through my face book profile and i actually stop on your page. i live here in America ,single and hoping to fine nice company.i hope we try to get to know each other ,start a conversation if that’s fine with you.i am just an easy going person, don’t mean to disturb you. Please permit me to inform you my mind, because I have made up my mind to express my feelings and my present condition to you. Please never be offended. I hope distance and colour has nothing to do with this matter. I have no problems with age difference between you and I, i so much believe that my freedom will come through your good help.

Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholders..Oh my God, you are so cute and beautiful..never knew there were still angels on earth.I will like to know more about you if you don’t mind.My name is Adrian Bowen and I am from Germany.Take care and have a wonderful day.

You are really pretty
Words can’t express your beauty, Are you from this planet?
Tell me whatever cream you apply that made you so fresh and sparkling. LOL
Can we be friends here? my names are Raymond Harry and i work as U.S army in american, please don’t hesitate to write to me back cos that’s the only way we can communicate for now…a

Hi my dear,
Is said to be a day that Great friends meet and become great, i stopped by on your profile , as this your profile
picture got me attracted and made me to be interest to know you more, am sorry for batching into your privacy
inbox with my message to you without your permision i wish to be your friend and to know you more? please
reply to my message immediately you read it.
best regard
sincerely yours
Richard David
GBU

I’m so in awe of their flattering words and fabulous punctuation, I think I’ll have to take votes from my readers, which lovely suitor should I choose? Raymond, Richard, Erika, Harry, Mercy, Adrian, Jeremy or Paul Simon?

Like a King

Posted: January 21, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Thought For the Day | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

“Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, What are you doing for others?”
Martin Luther King, Jr.

The end is nigh

Posted: January 18, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Only 10 days to go until my delinquent children go back to the maximum security prison I’ve chosen for them. Mothers, if you’re looking for something to fill the remaining days of torture, no, I mean happiness, I believe that staycations are currently popular. Or as single mothers call them, staying at home because it’s all we can bloody afford. So my kids and I are on trend. Travelling with kids and pets is just moving the chaos and mess to another more expensive location anyway. Or you could try going on a cheap holiday with another single parent; boozing, gatecrashing other people’s parties at the park for food and losing your children at an unfamiliar shopping centre are standard single mother school holiday adventures.

If, like me, the thought of camping makes you dry retch, borrow a tent from a friend and pitch it in the back yard for your kids or even the front nature strip if you live in an apartment. In summer kids can live in a tent for months at a time. Think about this: the money you save on holidays can go towards a cleaner, so you can continue to be a dirty house mother.

The long summer holidays can often look like this: extra kids, 3 broken eggs, 2 sleep ins, 7 old movies watched 100 times, 3 shopping expeditions to the two dollar shop, 3 weeks, sorry, days spent wearing pyjamas, 8 play dates, 37 cupcakes, 15 burnt offerings, dog eared books, hundreds of sighs and ‘I’m-so-bored’s’, 12 paintings that the landlord will want you to remove before you get your bond back, and one over-medicated, cranky, over-tired mother. On the last day of the school holidays, I will have a picnic to celebrate the end of summer, if you can call a bottle of riesling a picnic.

Born above a brothel in a docklands slum

Posted: January 8, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: SONGS | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

 

Blatant vulgar sexual frenzy

Posted: January 8, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: SONGS, Thought For the Day | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

In his Presley obituary, Lester Bangs, credited Elvis as “the man who brought overt blatant vulgar sexual frenzy to the popular arts in America.”

Elvis would have been 79 today. This is my favourite Elvis song. I love the backing vocals and the lyrics. And his jumpsuit, how can anyone not love Elvis’ outfits?

Single mother expense rorts

Posted: January 4, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: FEMINISM, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Bloody Santa forgot to bring me an unlimited expense account, a platinum credit card and a billionaire husband, so as a single mother in 2014 I’m right into cash for comments. An empty wallet fills the face with wrinkles after all. Single mother ailments include: regret, despair and irrational thoughts; hang on that’s just motherhood, single or not.

Raising children can be a financial disaster so single mothers need a steady source of income that doesn’t involve prostitution or selling said children on eBay. Large bills and small children are a stressful mix so we can pretend that everything will be fine or delve into the murky world of political expense rorts. I propose a single mother ‘cash for comments’ scheme, where every time a politician states the bleeding obvious on television he is fined and the money put towards raising the children of our nation who have been abandoned by fathers who won’t pay child support. I’m sure Tony Abbott will love it.

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them” — Phyllis Diller

See ya mate

Posted: January 3, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY, LOVE | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Today the Aussie comedy fraternity is saying goodbye to a top bloke, an Aussie comedy legend. Thanks for the laughs mate, you brightened my life at a time when I needed a friend.

When it’s bad, it’s bad

Posted: January 1, 2014 | Author: | Filed under: AUSTRALIA, COMEDY | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

I’ve just found out that my old comedy mate Dickster died way too young. He was such a funny bloke, always quick with a joke if anyone was having a shit time, would always buy me a beer, always a gentleman. A big softie with a big heart. This is a great interview with him and how I will remember him. Thanks for the laughs mate, I’ll have a beer or three for you.

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