A list of resolutions to be broken by Wednesday week

Goodbye 2013, you went past in a flash. Hello sexy new year 2014. Suddenly all my annoying habits will vanish when the clock strikes midnight on December 31. In 2014 I will:
Brush my hair
Keep tolerating fools (they are my colleagues after all)
Eat green vegies
Drink only the best champagne (yeah right, mid January I’ll be drinking whatever cheap plonk I can find)
Quit time wasting social media addictions
Be a Zen master of motherhood and remain composed at all times (my children are rolling their eyes at that one)
I will not waste my days playing mindless electronic games
Play the ukulele like a boss
Run, jump, hop, skip
Be a good friend
Cherish my babies
Sing my heart out
Kiss more often
Swim like a dolphin in warm water in an ocean I’ve never swum in before
Help someone kick cancer’s arse
Travel places I’ve never been
See old friends and make new ones
Eat lots of green vegies and behave like a macro neurotic nun
Roller skate more now I’ve got a shiny new pair of wheels
Go overseas
Follow my passion
Write my heart out
Keep chasing rainbows
Hug more friends
Find a cure for head lice
Laugh like a drain, but I’ll try to sound more like a gurgling stream

What’s on your resolution list?

Marvin Gaye – Got To Give It Up

Sleep in heavenly peace

Of course Santa is having a happy Christmas, he knows where all the naughty people live and he gets to party with them. I hope when Santa drops down my chimney that he is good looking and he finds out I’ve been naughty and my children have been nice. Merry Christmas, here come the reindeer.

On the 12th day of Christmas

On the first day of Christmas my true friend gave to me
Twelve tall tales
Eleven nasty rumours
Ten bottles of wine
Nine pickled possums
Eight golden beers
Seven pieces of advice
Six out of reach dreams
Five onion rings
Four nudie runs
Three glaring reminders
Two thwarted ambitions
And an old friend laughing like a drain

Dreams can come true

Single motherhood and tiredness go hand-in-hand but this week has been a doozy. The full moon brought bizarre dreams, insomnia and crazy ideas spinning in my head. This week I turned into zombie mother with visions of weirdness every night.

In one dream I opened a tiny white cardboard box in my undie drawer and found a singing bug, some kind of mite whose 10,000 cousins decided to sing opera with him. I’m sure it was a him. I tried to close the box but every time I shut it, the mite and his mates forced the box open so they could keep singing. Who knew Christmas drinks could cause those kind of dreams? I don’t even have an undie drawer. Egg nog anyone? Bottoms up

High and low lights 2013

What an insane year this has been, challenging, difficult, fabulous at times. Lots of kooky things happened in 2013. Apparently astrologically this can be blamed on something up Uranus

In February I lost my lovely friend (my favourite mother in law) and my children lost their favourite grandma in a terrible accident. She was a feisty feminist warrior, an artist and activist and we miss her

I took my munchkins overseas for the first time all together on a family holiday to visit my big brother and we loved it. We had a magical time; boat rides, 1000s of fish, gigantic snails, night markets, turtles, puffer fish, swimming, strange smells, diving, making new friends, eating fabulous Thai food and meeting the marvellous Sister Joan at Presentation Slums Mission in Bangkok. Life is about being with the people you love and telling them how special they are to you

I swam with fish in the Andaman Sea

I kissed a boy and I liked it

When I was MC for North Shore Relay for Life in March I took a bunch of local school kids up to the RNS Hospital cancer ward to sing for the adult patients. So beautiful and so sad. The questions from the kids in the lift on the way down were heartbreaking

I spent the winter writing comedy and workshopping my stuff with the fabulous Ciel. Then in September I had a fantastic time performing in three shows for the Sydney Fringe Festival including a show with my daughters and my solo stand up comedy show

I visited Tasmania for the first time and made great new friends and had a fabulous visit with an old friend. And I went to MONA in Hobart, what an art collection

I spent four days of madness and laughter with my Clown Doctor sisters and brothers and we giggled, played, danced and cheered each other up muchly

Australians got distracted by Twitter and stupid reality TV shows and forgot to hold their political leaders to account on environmental policies. Oops, there goes the Great Barrier Reef and our pristine wilderness

The entertaining children’s author Deborah Abela came to my daughters’ school and ignited a passion for reading in my youngest child. Thank you Deborah

My girls marched closer to adulthood as I learned to let go

The music of One Direction invaded my house like a wrecking ball

In Australia we had a federal election campaign that went on for 50 years (actually seven months but it felt like a gazillion times that). Australians voted against a vain PM and we ended up with Mr Misogynist refugee hater as our new prime minister

A magazine editor thought that a campaign featuring ladies not wearing any make up would empower women

I learned how to play more than three chords on my ukulele and sang funny songs with the beautiful families of very sick children in hospital

Damn, I forgot to marry for money

Around the world lots of crazy shiz went down:

In Britain there was scandal when the horse meat of the apocalypse was declared the national dish. Foal burger anyone?

Russians took a meteor shower

Mansplaining became the word du jour for more than a day

More women said ‘enough is enough I can’t go on’ (in the words of Barbra Streisand), and joined the fight for equal pay as feminists the world over marched closer to the imaginary land of Equality

In the US everyone stood near the fiscal cliff and peered over. Except the billionaires who were too busy raping and pillaging the country

In the Philippines a huge storm killed thousands and wiped out entire villages. MSF and many other charities restored our faith in human nature

Saudi women got behind the wheel and showed that women can drive too

Wendy Davis filibustered her way into feminist history

A celebrity flashed her undies, bought new boobs, had a baby, married her best friend’s personal trainer after stealing him from his fiancee, they got divorced after two days, she adopted seven children from a yak herder in Mongolia and released a perfume line featuring photos of the children in various states of undress (I think). This received more media coverage than unimportant issues like the death of the great Nelson Mandela

Madiba passed away at the age of 95 and the whole world mourned because we have too few visionary leaders and too many greedy narcissists in positions of power

Malala Yousafzai celebrated her 16th birthday with an inspirational speech, “We cannot all succeed when half of us are held back”

All in all a wonderful year of chaos

In another lifetime I would be….

Dolly Parton, but in this clip I can’t decide whether I want to be Kenny or Dolly.


According to recent traffic reports the karma bus is coming with it’s engine revved and I’m not in the driver’s seat.

“It is impossible to build one’s own happiness on the unhappiness of others. This perspective is at the heart of Buddhist teachings.”
― Daisaku Ikeda


It’s the end of the year, so it is compulsory to make a list of achievements and resolutions and laundry. As a full time marketing guru and on trend media professional, I like to make predictions on what will be hip and cool next week.

The big trends of 2013 were:

Sports people making a dick of themselves while under the influence or prescription and performance enhancing drugs
Teenagers discovered that the original song was better than the cover version recorded by X Factor and Nobody’s Got Enough Talent contestants
Politicians relied on charities to fund important equipment in hospitals
White Australians made racist remarks
Aboriginal people behaved graciously and tried not to punch said white people’s lights out after 200 + years of provocation
Australian politicians dribbled all over babies in the longest political campaign in the history of the universe
Pickled onions on crackers with plastic cheese became incredibly fashionable
Footy socks with thongs were huge this year in Paris

I think the big trends for 2014 will be:
Parents photographing their children’s farts to post online
Viral marketing will be huge in hospitals – think flu, herpes, chicken pox and ebola and small pox viruses
Brady bunch style families complete with housekeeper, wooden-panelled station wagons and friendly local butcher
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Flanellette underpants in summer
Football teams who take copious amounts of performance enhancing drugs may actually win a championship
Researchers will find a cure for politicians who take themselves too seriously
Global warming BBQs will be the hit of every neighbourhood
80s perms will make a comeback for one week in mid July
Repetition could catch on in a big way in 2014
Americans will realise that guns kill a lot of people

(C) Lou Pollard 2013