Parental torture
Posted: February 2, 2013 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Single Motherhood | Tags: allegedly musical instruments, Celine Dion torture, grievous assault to the precious ear canal, Justin Bieber songs, mental health of single mothers, parental torture, recorder hell Leave a commentMy beautiful children have now gone back to their day release penitentiary after the longest summer break in recorded history and our school music teacher is helping me stay sane with gifts that keep on giving. She suggested that on my limited single mother budget I could buy my youngest child a parental torture device AKA a recorder. Why? Will it help her learn to be musical? No. Will it promote family harmony? A trillion times no. A moody teenager and an eight year old practising recorder in the next room are not a happy mix. I can already hear the howls of protest. I looked on youtube and there are young whipper snappers playing recorder while Celine Dion sings. Double torture. Please make them stop. Apparently there are different kinds of recorder, soprano, vibrato, psycho, they all sound like hell to me. Mummy says no.
One down, two to go
Posted: January 30, 2013 Filed under: Parenting | Tags: did we have enough fun?, end of school holidays, January Pilot, school holiday torture is over, school starts again, Summer holidays are gone, when kids go back to school the fun begins 8 CommentsToday as I wave goodbye to the looooooong summer holidays and send my eldest child back to her maximum insecurity prison, I can hear a collective sigh of relief from the parents of school-aged kids. Most of the Aussie breeders I am friends with on Facebook posted photos of their kidlets in new uniforms this morning; much happiness from the parental as anything brigade. In my home I could sense the misery as soon as I woke up. My teenager was SO happy to see her siblings lolling about on the couch as she climbed into her scratchy uniform and grunted her goodbye. The little sisters return to their reform school tomorrow. If you spot a woman in a school zone on Thursday with a glint in her eye it could possibly be me.
Ripper bewdy mate
Posted: January 26, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, SONGS | Tags: 1788, Australia Day, Invasion Day, Max Sharam, White Settlement of Australia Leave a commentHappy Aussie Invasion Day
What’s That Skip?
Posted: January 25, 2013 Filed under: AUSTRALIA, Self improvement | Tags: 1970s Australian TV, childhood heroes, Clancy from Skippy The Bush Kangaroo, Skippy Our Friend Ever True, Skippy the Bush Kangaroo, What's that Skip? TV taglines 2 CommentsOn the eve of Australia Day I want to pay tribute to my favourite Australian TV show. When I was very small the only program I was allowed to watch was Skippy The Bush Kangaroo. Skippy was furry pretty and I believed that animals understood me better than humans. (I used to dress my dog in blue shorts and a red Top Cat T-shirt). In the days before video recorders and DVD players, my mother had to bribe my older siblings with lollies if we returned home after Skippy had been aired that day. If I found out I’d missed seeing an episode of Skippy my tantrums were spectacular. I’ve recovered now that I can watch episodes on youtube, but I still want to be Clancy.
Skippy, Skippy, Skippy my friend ever true. Even the theme song is brilliant.
Hooray for Dollywood
Posted: January 19, 2013 Filed under: Birthdays, LOVE, SONGS, WRITERS | Tags: country music, Dolly Parton, Dollywood, female songwriters, jolene, Pigeon Forge Tennessee, US female country singers Leave a commentToday is Dolly Parton’s birthday. I have loved her since I could sing. I love her wardrobe, her lyrics, her accent, her hair and her au naturale feminine charm. One day I will go to her theme park Dollywood in Tennessee. Right after I visit Elvis in Memphis.
The Prophet – Single Mother translation
Posted: January 14, 2013 Filed under: Parenting, Raising Hell, Self improvement, Single Motherhood, WRITERS | Tags: epic poems, Khalil Gibran, Lebanese/Syrian writers, Lou Pollard response to Khalil Gibran's The Prophet, parenting instructions, parenting teenagers, Poetry for single mothers, Single mother translation, The Prophet, Wisdom for single mothers 5 CommentsIn his epic poem, The Prophet, Khalil Gibran summed up beautifully what is special in this life.
Children.
“a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, “speak to us of children,” and he said:
Your children are not your children.
You’ve just leased them until they are 18 on a ridiculously expensive payment plan
They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
Well, actually Khalil I created them in my body, as a man you may not get the enormity of that concept. And as I recall they ripped right through me.
And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.
Especially when they are online chatting with their friends
You may give them your love but not your thoughts.
Except when they haven’t done any homework or housework or don’t text you when they said they would, then you can give them a few choice thoughts.
For they have their own thoughts.
They surely do, especially the 14 year old girls
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
Even when their bodies are dressed like white trash bimbo pole dancers
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
Except when they are selling their souls to Facebook and tumblr and you are paying for the internet access. Then you can get your friends to spy on their blogs.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
Note to Lou: please don’t dress like your 15 year old daughter, you will look like mutton dressed as mutton. And teenage daughter will not borrow my ruched bright 1980s clothing.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
There is nothing you can do about breeding with someone who is located very far down the food chain, so don’t waste time regretting it.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
So your scrubbing, washing and bending over backwards will go unnoticed by everyone except your girlfriends who understand the toil and the sacrifices of single motherhood.
For even as he loves the arrow that flies,
So I teach my children that love flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana
so he loves also the bow that is stable.
All mothers must be stable according to Khalil. No drunken party animals need apply. That means I’m out of a job then.
Just for one day
Posted: January 8, 2013 Filed under: ART, Birthdays, SONGS | Tags: David Bowie, Heroes, January 8 birthdays, Just For One Day 1 CommentHappy Birthday David Jones
Resolution Time
Posted: December 30, 2012 Filed under: Self improvement, Thought For the Day | Tags: 2013 resolutions, 2013 Year of the Water Snake, Chinese New Year, cough medicine, dancing in the rain added to the Olympic roster of sporting achievements, December 31 2012 resolutions, Energy drinks, giggling as a national sport, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, New Life, New Year Resolutions, New Years' Eve, ukulele players, What Are You Doing New Year's Eve/, Zooey Deschanel 5 CommentsApparently 31 December is a great time to make wishes for the coming year. I am taking this very seriously. I have decided as of 1 January 2013 I will give up Lindt Balls for breakfast and eat them only for dinner. Beetroot is also off my list because it tastes like dirt. And energy drinks, I tried my first one on Christmas Eve eve this year and I have resolved to never consume any beverage that tastes like cough medicine again. Hopefully I will think of a few more of these very serious resolutions for my healthy new life between now and the start of the Chinese New Year. 2013 is the Chinese Year of the Water Snake, so starting 10 February (or perhaps 1 January if the mood takes me) I will whisper sweet nothings, giggle more with my darling friends, play cricket on the beach, swim like a mermaid, yell less, behave like a model mother, practice my ukulele more, dance in the rain, tiptoe through the tulips (although I prefer gardenias), read more funny novels and write a cracking book. And shed some skin if I spend too much time at the seaside.

