My favourite daughter is…..

When I was pregnant with The One Who Changed Everything I read a memoir by Isabel Allende called Paula, written about her daughter. Until I read the book I’d been in massive ‘motherhood won’t change me’ denial about my gal’s impending birth, but I knew afterwards that I was about to embark on a life changing journey. After an exhausting start, a little girl called V opened me up to the beauty and joy and suffering in the world, she showed me the way.

Happy 17th birthday Vee-Yon-Say, so glad I am your mama. Thank you for your wisdom, your light and your humour. I know I am the Eddy to your Saffy, I love you smarty pants


I’m your mother, I’m supposed to drive you crazy

Flowers, chocolates, cards, a new house and a new car, my kids know how to spoil me on Mother’s Day, but apparently today they forgot what I really like so they got me some soap. And candles so that my cheeky youngest child, who is a trainee fire starter, can melt wax all over the house. Joy. And as it is Mother’s Day I am supposed to smile sweetly and be grateful and pretend that it doesn’t bother me, otherwise in a few years they will relocate me to a home for the bewildered that plays Phil Collins songs all day. Sigh. Motherhood is so glamorous and exciting isn’t it? Rest up today mamas, it’s going to be a big year


Nursery rhymes for single mothers and others

My single mothering advice is gold, I am full of it. Don’t worry about buying expensive parenting books, for calm children administer nursery rhymes, they are cheaper than sedatives (for you and the kids).

If you see a little bunny and it’s nose is very runny

You think it’s very funny but it’s snot.

Lou Lou had a little girl, she had a bit of colic

She fed her vodka twice a day, now she’s alcoholic

If your children won’t stop crying, sing:

Roses are red, violets are blue, the smell of vomit reminds me of you.

Or what about?
My hair is alive with the bite of head lice

There were three in the bed and the little one said,
Roll over, roll over
So they all rolled over and my feet got cold
Roll over, rollover my super, walk the dog, defrost the freezer, feel guilty about the stuff you haven’t done. Roll over, play dead so you don’t have to change a nappy roll over.

Hey Diddle Diddle, my life’s in a puddle I can’t seem to get enough cash.
My kids need more food, but the rent is due so I can’t afford to splash.
I’ve spent all my dosh on school clothes and books and treated kids to some honey,
Luckily their father has a conscience, here comes my ex with lots of money

No stop me! That one is pure fantasy

Roses are red,
My teenage daughter’s bedroom smells
Not that I care,
But I could if I wanted to


Isn’t she lovely?

In late 2001 I was pregnant with my second daughter and I went to have an ultrasound. I’ll never forget the words of the sonographer who looked at the images of my tiny girl on the screen and said, “What a beautiful baby.” Yes, she is, inside and out. Happy 12th birthday, my gorgeous horse daughter Moo. I love you.


Girl Power

On International Women’s Day I’m thinking that I’d love to be Emmeline Pankhurst in pearls fighting for equality for all women but I’m a little bit busy hanging out the washing and bringing home the bacon to feed three hungry mouths. So I’d like to say thank you to the ladies who are childless for maintaining the revolution so this mother of three daughters can raise them knowing that the sisterhood is striving to make our world fair. Whether you chose not to be a breeder, or you had the choice taken from you by fate or circumstance, I’m grateful for the work you’re doing. I believe childless women are desperately needed to fight for equality by us sleep deprived mothers who’ve temporarily lost our brain power because we’re helping finish homework. Thank you for organising the petitions, running the rallies, writing the articles, alerting me to them on Twitter and for keeping watch while this mother bakes. Sisters I will join you at the barricades as soon as I can find a cheap babysitter.

“Though we adore men individually, we agree that as a group they’re rather stupid…”


I know I’m single, maybe I like it

Maybe I don’t. Facebook is offering me so many potential step fathers for my children I can’t decide which one to marry, they all speak good Engrish ‘n that.

I’m loving that I told the Facebook robot that I’m single, because I’m really enjoying the specificity of Facebook’s targeted advertising.
Dear Facebook ads
Do I want to connect with
Aboriginal singles
Local firemen
US sperm donors
Local Christians?

I’m also loving the requests and messages I’m receiving on Facebook too, some of them from famous men. The problem is that I’m spoilt for choice.

HELLO FROM MISS MERCY
I saw your profile in the face book and i was so interested i will like to have a good love relationship with you please write me back not in the face book please my dear so that i can send you my pictures
with love
yours mercy

Hello pretty, saw your profile and was moved with what i saw. I will like to know you more.just glanced through your profile and photos,I must really say you look charming,nice, magnificent and gorgeous in your picture..I don’t mind if I get to know you better,would really love to be your friend…i await your response.

hi lovely theophilus ,i am very happy to see your reply,and i am happy that you are a christian,i too is a christian,i am happy that i meet somebody like you in internet,i am single never married,i am 30yrs old,i need a very straight woman that i will live the rest of my life with ,i am from Africa,and i really have interest on foreign woman, so that i will learn the culture of other country,i am a guy that believe in truth,carering,loving and trusting,i am a hard working some one who believe in spiritual,and i am a new person in internet,because before i wrote to you i fasted and pray,for gods favour.count on me i will make my self a part of your family,love you so much,hopping to hear from you,

My name is Jeremy, I have a friendly feelings. I saw your profile today and i decide to leave a message for you, I like the gentleness in your eyes which shows sincerity, I will like us to get to know each other better hope to read from you soon …..cheers.

Hello dear how are you.i hope you are doing fine,i was delighted when i got to your profile,and i hope you can give me a chance to be a good friend to you.well hope i can read from you soon.

hello pretty
how are you doing hope you are doing great i saw your picture here on Facebook it really caught my heart i am new here i will love to get to know you more better my dear i mark smith i live in UK London
Am a man of dignity, sincere,honest,dedicated, responsible, patience,passionate, affectionate, loving, caring and adventurous.I don’t care about distance, provided you are for real, and ready for a long term relationship am ready to settle down and be with you sooner than you can ever imagine.
perhaps we could set up conversation to know each other more better,
I look forward to hearing from you, Till then. Have a loving day best love always,
smith…

How are you today? You look good can i get to know you more ?? I am really warm my face with smile after coming close to your profile , You look so special.I always feel so honored and happy to know you..I’m a single father .
Can we be good friends?
I’m Harry..

Hello? My name Paul Simon I’m interested in knowing you and being friendly with you . I would appreciate it if we get acquainted as soon as possible . I quite believe we can start from here since it takes a moment to know someone. From Paul Simon

It is my pleasure communicating with you for the first time and believing that it will lead to a better relationship. I was looking through my face book profile and i actually stop on your page. i live here in America ,single and hoping to fine nice company.i hope we try to get to know each other ,start a conversation if that’s fine with you.i am just an easy going person, don’t mean to disturb you. Please permit me to inform you my mind, because I have made up my mind to express my feelings and my present condition to you. Please never be offended. I hope distance and colour has nothing to do with this matter. I have no problems with age difference between you and I, i so much believe that my freedom will come through your good help.

Beauty they say is in the eyes of the beholders..Oh my God, you are so cute and beautiful..never knew there were still angels on earth.I will like to know more about you if you don’t mind.My name is Adrian Bowen and I am from Germany.Take care and have a wonderful day.

You are really pretty
Words can’t express your beauty, Are you from this planet?
Tell me whatever cream you apply that made you so fresh and sparkling. LOL
Can we be friends here? my names are Raymond Harry and i work as U.S army in american, please don’t hesitate to write to me back cos that’s the only way we can communicate for now…a

Hi my dear,
Is said to be a day that Great friends meet and become great, i stopped by on your profile , as this your profile
picture got me attracted and made me to be interest to know you more, am sorry for batching into your privacy
inbox with my message to you without your permision i wish to be your friend and to know you more? please
reply to my message immediately you read it.
best regard
sincerely yours
Richard David
GBU

I’m so in awe of their flattering words and fabulous punctuation, I think I’ll have to take votes from my readers, which lovely suitor should I choose? Raymond, Richard, Erika, Harry, Mercy, Adrian, Jeremy or Paul Simon?


The end is nigh

Only 10 days to go until my delinquent children go back to the maximum security prison I’ve chosen for them. Mothers, if you’re looking for something to fill the remaining days of torture, no, I mean happiness, I believe that staycations are currently popular. Or as single mothers call them, staying at home because it’s all we can bloody afford. So my kids and I are on trend. Travelling with kids and pets is just moving the chaos and mess to another more expensive location anyway. Or you could try going on a cheap holiday with another single parent; boozing, gatecrashing other people’s parties at the park for food and losing your children at an unfamiliar shopping centre are standard single mother school holiday adventures.

If, like me, the thought of camping makes you dry retch, borrow a tent from a friend and pitch it in the back yard for your kids or even the front nature strip if you live in an apartment. In summer kids can live in a tent for months at a time. Think about this: the money you save on holidays can go towards a cleaner, so you can continue to be a dirty house mother.

The long summer holidays can often look like this: extra kids, 3 broken eggs, 2 sleep ins, 7 old movies watched 100 times, 3 shopping expeditions to the two dollar shop, 3 weeks, sorry, days spent wearing pyjamas, 8 play dates, 37 cupcakes, 15 burnt offerings, dog eared books, hundreds of sighs and ‘I’m-so-bored’s’, 12 paintings that the landlord will want you to remove before you get your bond back, and one over-medicated, cranky, over-tired mother. On the last day of the school holidays, I will have a picnic to celebrate the end of summer, if you can call a bottle of riesling a picnic.