Smothering

As the childrens head back to school after the long summer holidays I have turned into tyrant mother. I’ve installed software that cuts off the internet, which is a shame because it is really cutting into my time-wasting watching inane crap on social media therapy. I am not the first parent to use the cruel to be kind parenting method (patent pending), but in the digital age us parents need help to conquer the gazing at pointless clips on youtube disease that has spread amongst our kids. My youngest loves watching people playing Minecraft. WTF? I guess that’s no different to my secret joy at reading celebrity gossip and looking at pictures of Brad and Angelina and pretending I have that kind of fantasy family life. My 13-year-old is so sleep deprived from reading all the late night messages from her friends I had to stage an intervention. She told me not to cut off the internet so she could complete her homework but I figure if she hasn’t done it by 10 at night it’s too late. I’m hoping my little technological helper will enable me to have a more rested and harmonious household. My gal may even read one of the novels she is supposed to study this year and I may get some work done.


Smotherhood

Fights, tears and 210 hours of Monopoly later, I’m in a school holiday daze. I’m the head of my children’s entertainment committee and the acting head of catering but I’m looking forward to retirement from both those roles. Cooking is a chore and shouting, “get off the bloody computer” is becoming dull.

I have run out of low budget activities and if I read one more clean wholesome nutritious paleo educational fun advice for the latter part of the school holidays post on social media, I’ll scream at the smug happily married financially savvy yummy mummies who write them. Sigh. Next week I return to the tyranny of the school run. So much to look forward to in 2016. Today I am turning up the Ackadacka and dreaming of escape.


Spam of the year

This is my favourite ever spam email, even though it doesn’t promise me a new husband, it has been checked by anti-virus software and is from the FLOTUS.

BARR, JOHN KURTY

Reply-To: wellsfargobankoffice01@gmail.com

From Mrs. Michelle Barack, LAST UPDATE

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

How are you today? This is last you will ever hear from me and you fail to comply.

I am Mrs. Michelle Obama and I am written to inform you about your Bank Cheque Draft brought by the United Embassy from the government of Benin Republic in the white house Washington DC which contains the sum of $20.000.000 millions us dollars credited from the bank of America, the delivery of your funds has been mandated to be deliver to your address on Friday, December 18, 2015 to you as soon as you get back to me with your home address and your cell phone number.

Bear in mind that I have taking my time to be in charge of your funds as instructed by my husband to ensure that you received your funds successfully from the white house to reduce the economy and I’m the only one that has your funds in regard to my husband Mr. Barack Hussein Obama II and you will have to pay the sum of $95.00 only before your Bank Cheque Draft will deliver to you on Friday, the reason why the fee is required is to have your funds clearance  paper from the origin of the funds to avoid any harassment from the authority and you are also expecting to be announce as winner of the said amount by Friday as soon as your fund is delivered to you.

So you are urgent advised to get back to me with your home address and also the payment information today for immediate effect of your delivery. Note that the $95 is the only fee and final payment you have my assurance.

However, according to our agreement with the originated Benin Republic, all our communications should be on email for record purpose so follow my instruction accordingly, even if you don’t have the $95 try to borrow it and send it immediately today because this is your life opportunity and I don’t want you to lose the chance any more.

Please I will advice you to urgent make the payment this morning via western union  money transfer to the listed cashier information as instructed you by the originated authority. I will look forward to received your email today with the payment to enable the origin secure the required clearance papers required at White House Benin to deliver your funds. Note that it will take only 14hrs to deliver your Bank Cheque Draft in receipt of the $95 payment.

Please find the payment data below to send the $95 via western union.

Receiver Name:     PRINCEL URAMAKA

Country:            BENIN

City:               COTONOU

Question:         Urgent

Answer:            Needed

Amount:         $95.00

MTCN reference number…………

Sender Name………..

Sender’s Telephone……

Sender’s Address……..

I look forward to your respond to your email with the payment today.

Regards

Mrs. Michelle Barack

The White House

(Official Residence of the President of the US)

1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW

Washington DC 20500 USA

This email has been checked for viruses by Avast antivirus software.

http://www.avast.com


Kiss A Ginger Day

In opposition to “Kick a Ginger Day” Derek Forgie created “Kiss A Ginger Day,” celebrated on the 12th of January every year.

Famous ginger tops include Carol Burnett, Vincent Van Gogh, Susan Sarandon, Tim Minchin, Ginger Spice, Australian princess Our Knickers, Shirley Maclaine, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Lucille Ball, Prince Harry and Ed Sheeran whose music is a bit cheesy but I still like him.

Celebrate Kiss a Ginger Day by smooching your favourite redhead, and mark January 12 on your calendar because it is far better to spread love than hate. I’ve always loved the orange crayons.

Kiss A Ginger on Twitter


No, say it isn’t so


Happy New Year I Think

Week one of my New Year’s Resolutions. So far I’m winning.

Christmas hamper bickies and choccies have enabled my kids to have delicious healthy breakfasts throughout the school holidays with all the major food groups: fat, salt, sugar and preservatives

Christmas wrapping paper carpeting the floor hides all the stains

I embarrassed my children a lot more in 2015 than I did in any other year, I’m hoping to top that in 2016, especially with my fashion choices

My children will learn the meaning of housework

None of them have been to hospital yet

Pieces of craft line the house

Can’t wait until my maid arrives after I’ve won the lottery

For the second year running I will give up washing my teenagers’ clothes, the smell is worth it