I am an artiste
Posted: August 29, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, WRITERS | Tags: art for art's sake, Australian comedians, don't bullshit a bullshitter, female comedians, Kelis - Milkshake, modern artists, my artist statement, single mother ambitions, single mother artists mission statement, single mother fashion icons, that's art that is Leave a commentAs I attempt to be a full time bullshit artist I thought it was about time my mass of followers received (drum roll) the official Lou Pollard Artist Statement:
Through my work I attempt to examine the phenomenon of Clown as a metaphorical post modern conceptual interpretation of both fart jokes and sad faces.
What began as a personal journey of foolishness, bitterness and procrastination has translated into utterances of profound stupidity that resonate with Fool-identifying white people to question their own meaning.
My mixed media prop laden jokes embody an idiosyncratic view of me as a guru slash hot mess slash cultural icon, yet the familiar imagery allows for a connection between the dominant 21st century archetypes of garden gnomes and junk food.
My written work is in the private collection of Zsa Zsa Gabor’s nephew’s high school classmate who said, ‘fork!, that’s ucken unrool shining Art that is. An’ she’s ‘ucken cheap as.’
I am a recipient of a grant from Centrelink, after they tagged me and released me back into the wild camouflaged as a cougar. I have performed in group shows on Rundle Mall and for staff at the TAB, though not at the same time. I currently spend my time between my gendered bed and bathroom.
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Not happy man
Posted: August 22, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, All Saints - Never Ever US Version (Official Music Video), are we happy yet, gurus for single mothers, happiness gurus, self help for single moms, self helpless, single mom meditations, single mother, single mother dreams, too much busy Leave a commentAs someone who tries to spread happiness and joy to people in distress, I’ve been invited to hear a few modern gurus speak at conferences. They are usually happy high achievers with eager followers and best-selling self-help books. They often make me feel inadequate. I read their books and end up feeling like I have to add another set of chores to my already chock full to do list. This week I’d like to pay my bills and have a holiday, so please come over and take my kids to school while I loll about in a spa. Cook my dinner, help with homework and soothe my neurotic insomniac brain but spare me the details of your journey of discovery. I’m sure it’s been incredibly peaceful spending the last two years meditating in a cave in the Himalayas but I don’t want to know. If you’ve done nothing but sit in silence for hours, I’m jealous. Write a book. I might fall asleep reading it.
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Astro turfed
Posted: August 15, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, Theme Songs | Tags: astrological gurus, astrology, astrology forecasts, gurus for single mothers, Lee Marvin - Wandering Star, ruling planets, self helpless, single mother advice, single mother astrology 3 CommentsIt started with an enticing email message (complete with capital letters for emphasis) from Clairvoyant Kevin:
A time of WONDERFUL change is coming your way, we need to talk IMMEDIATELY.
To be SUCCESSFUL you must channel the POWER of the stars.
As a struggling single mother I need all the self-help I can get, so gullible me clicked on the link provided by Clairvoyant Kevin in his ‘exclusive’ email.
Kevin told me that Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Uncanny. How does this astrologer know me so well already?
Let your intuition tell you all you need to know. Harness the ENERGY of the stars.
Then
The Sextile of your ruling planet is SPECTACULAR.
Que?
So I paid for Kevin’s prediction, and the only thing that held any promise was my astrology forecast. According to Guru Kevin, the happiest period of my life had just begun. Two friends died, my car was sold to a wrecker and the bloke stopped calling me. Thanks Kev, I can’t wait to see what my bad stars bring.
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Gen Y lexicon
Posted: August 8, 2015 Filed under: Self improvement, WRITING | Tags: Eminem - My Name Is, entitled, fast learners, Gen Y lexicon, Gen Y sayings, Gen Y stereotypes, generalisations, GENERATION WHY NOT, GENERATION Y, irony, millenials, narcissistic generation Leave a commentGen Y are a group of young adults who will never be able to move out of home because their baby boomer parents bought all the property in Australian cities through negative gearing. The members of Generation Y have been under attack, apparently their parents told them they were fabulous too many times so young Y’s grew up feeling entitled to everything, even a job. Here’s my take on Generation Y can’t we change careers every year:
Thank you to Urban Dictionary for helpful clues
A is for ATTENTION SPAN of an ant
Apparently Gen Y’s stay in a job just long enough to use the bathroom, then they’re off to find themselves
B is for BABY BOOMER PARENTS
Who still think they’re teenagers
C is for CONVERSATION
Something people did in the olden days before tablets and texting was invented
D is for DENIAL
Don’t want to grow up? Baby Boomer parents didn’t want to either
E is for ENTITLED
Apparently this is not fashionable any more
F is for FAUX
Can’t afford the real thing but I MUST have it
G is for GET A WELL PAID JOB
Then all your housing dreams will come true
H is for HOME with the parents
Only until the age of 45
I is for INSTA
Everything is now
J is for JUSTIN BIEBER
Last year’s Davy Jones, Donny Osmond, David Cassidy, Mark Wahlberg, Zac Efron
K is for KNOW IT ALL
Irritating Boomer who thinks they’re hip enough to work in a predominately Gen Y office
L is for LONG SERVICE LEAVE
Que?
M is for MISUNDERSTOOD
Word
N is for NARCISSISTIC
Applies to every Gen Y human. No one born before Gen Y’s ever gave a thought to their own needs
O is for ORIGINAL
Something music used to be
P is for PRE-INTERNET
The land before time, back when dinosaurs roamed the earth
Q is for QUALITY
Better than quantity
R is for RUDE
X’ers who know everything & frequently lecture the generation born after them
S is for SAMPLE
Legitimate use of anyone’s art
T is for TEXTURAL
Only to be used when talking about food
U is for UNROOL
Try hard language for old people
V is for VINTAGE CLOTHING
Old people call it second hand or hand me downs
W is for WHY
Didn’t your mother keep her entire wardrobe from 1977?
X is for X’ers
Annoying Generation who came before the chosen people
Y is for Yaaass
Z is for ZED
Generation of digital natives born after the special people
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mi amiga hermosa
Posted: August 2, 2015 Filed under: LOVE | Tags: best friends for life, Bill Withers Lean On Me (Live) 1973 Concert, friendship, funny friends, love, PIglet and Pooh, single mother sanity savers, the gift of friendship, you gotta have friends Leave a commentInternational Friendship Day is a day for celebrating those people whose love and kindness have changed our lives. Our friends are the people who understand our strangeness and love us anyway.
“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”
Piglet said,
“We’ll be Friends forever won’t we Pooh?” and Pooh answered,
“Even longer.”
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Dishy Washy
Posted: July 25, 2015 Filed under: LOVE, Self improvement | Tags: Advice for single mothers, Alison Moyet - Love Letters, cheap single mother Christmas presents, dish pigs, dishwasher love, French and Saunders, in love with inanimate objects, single mother bargains, single mother chores, single mother slavery Leave a commentI am in love with an inanimate object. She cost me $150 on eBay and she is cheap to run. I love my dishwasher. She is my comrade in the war against grotty kids. As a single mother with children who have lost the use of their legs and their ability to put socks in the washing machine, my dishwasher is my best friend and one true love.
My friend calls dishwashers the marriage saver, perhaps only if you marry someone who doesn’t have substance abuse issues. My DW is addicted to tablets, but she stopped me doing the dishes. I hate fancy plates that don’t fit in her warm wet insides. Anything delicate is banished from my kitchen. If I bribe my youngest hooligan she sometimes unloads my dishwashy friend.
I adore taking my kids to the park knowing that my dish pig is hard at work filling my flat with the pong of detergent. When we return home I open her up and my face is hit with a blast of her wonderful wafting steam.
She has great rhythm, I love the way she hums at night; I go to sleep in my living room to the soothing sound of the white machine slaving over my cutlery and pans. Bliss in a box.
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Single Mother Handy Hints for the School Holidays
Posted: June 28, 2015 Filed under: FOOD, Parenting, Single Motherhood | Tags: Advice for single mothers, cheap single mother holidays, just one day out of life, Madonna - Holiday, mental health of single mothers, single mother cuisine, single mothering by text, single mothers need a holiday, winter school holidays Leave a commentSuggested school holiday menu:
1. Take it or leave it
2. Any food item that can be left in the oven and baked within an inch of its life is worth feeding to a child
3. Now is a good time for your kids to learn to cook
4. Like it or lump it
5. Tell your kids your family has been invited to appear on a reality TV show and vote yourself out of the kitchen. Run
6. Vegemite sandwiches are fashionable this week on Instagram
Suggested body armour to protect mothers from harm during long winter school holidays:
Helmet
Kneepads
Medication
Nanny
Eye Candy
Au pair
Shin pads
Babysitter
Chardonnay/Shiraz therapy
Pyjamas look great at 4 o’clock in the afternoon
Wear a onesie or matching tracksuit if you have teenagers, they’ll leave you alone in public
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Worry wart
Posted: June 17, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: Charlie & Lola, Chekov quotes, harried mothers with worried faces, music helps, parental worries, Radiohead - No Surprises [Glastonbury 2003], single mother fears, single mother struggles, tired unhappy, worried single mothers Leave a commentIt must be a mother thing. I don’t remember lying in bed worrying half the night when I was childless. That is probably because until I had kids I did not have a sober night to ponder or reflect. I spent my twenties drunk as a back packer, talking shit like a complete tosser until 5am. Now I spend my nights wide awake fretting about important issues:
Are tomato farmers pissed off with Charlie and Lola?
Will my 10 year old drown at her school swimming lessons and no one notices?
Is my face always going to look this tired, cranky and old?
Are we ever going to have political leaders with bravery and vision?
Is a Paddlepop a well-rounded meal on a Friday night when I’m exhausted?
“Any idiot can face a crisis – its day to day living that wears you out”
– Anton Chekov
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The fortysomething parents are not alright
Posted: June 13, 2015 Filed under: Parenting, Parents | Tags: 40 something parents, ageing parents, Gen X financial crisis, generation X, mothering in our 40s, parenting, Quartz articles, small children and big debts Leave a commentGen X are overwhelmed, no wonder the divorce rate is so high
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Ten Single Mother Commandments
Posted: June 10, 2015 Filed under: Single Motherhood | Tags: AC-DC - Highway to Hell (Live German TV with Bon Scott - 1979), self help for single moms, single mom rule book, Single Mother Commandments, single mother rule book, single mother rules, single mother self help, Smotherhood, Wisdom for single mothers 2 Comments1.Thou shalt buy ear plugs
2. Thou shalt covet the imaginary happy marriage of our happy couple friends
3. Thou shalt freak out the women who think you want to steal their husbands (usually the husbands that aren’t worth stealing)
4. Thou shalt play dead when kids try to wake you up on the weekend
5. Thou shalt bargain with your children like you are a hostage negotiator
6. Thou shalt not take fashion advice from a 13 year old
7. Thou shalt undertake due diligence with the father of your next child before you breed with him
8. Thou shalt be slothful on your birthday, Mother’s Day and Christmas
9. Thou shalt have a cunning plan to deal with toddlers and teenagers – divert, distract, dodge
10. Thou shalt wear pyjamas at school drop off at least once per term
loupollard 